Getting a life...and becoming a better wife

My husband and I went to dinner with his boss last night at a really good sushi place. This is the first sushi restaurant I have been to that will make the rolls with brown rice if it is requested. I was able to eat most of the rolls without breaking my diet and must have a had a little to much to eat because I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. On our way home from the restaurant, we had a conversation that we seem to be having a lot lately. It seems that I have changed both in my personality and in the way I act around/treat my husband. I guess I have been so preoccupied with what is going on with my body that I haven’t even noticed the changes taking place. Before my diagnosis last year, I wasn’t serious about anything (accept my husband, my family and my bargain shopping), I was light hearted,shared just about everything with my husband and was pretty much a push over. I guess as I have gone through this experience, I have learned to take things more seriously (like my health), to stand up for myself , let my opinions be heard and have become much more independent. I have also stopped sharing everything with my husband. There are just things that I don’t think he needs to know. For example, how my CM changes through out the day or how many times I have gone number two in a day. Besides, He tends to get upset when I bring up my fertility or he just doesn’t respond. So basically I have not been able to discuss the main focus of my life with him….and that is bound to change our marriage and myself a bit. I thought by writing about it, I would be able to get everything out without this communication issue causing problems in our marriage and I thought it was a great plan…but I guess I was wrong. My husband told me that I have my head so deep into getting pregnant that I don’t even realize how much I have changed. I’m not saying he doesn’t want me to stand up for myself, he just wants the same light hearted, fun person he married. I don’t know if I can be that person right now…I mean I feel light hearted and am not very often in a bad mood it’s just that life experiences change people and I don’t think I have changed for the worse. I have also become more responsible and more appreciative which are good qualities right? I do feel awful that I have been putting every last drop of energy and focus into healing my body and trying to have a baby. It isn’t right for me to do that and I didn’t mean to do it….it’s just that as my research continued, more and more of my friends/family members became pregnant and the blood test results kept rolling in, I got more and more addicted to finding an answer and the one doctor who believed I could have a baby on my own. Now that I have both of those things, it still isn’t enough. I am now obsessed with my new diet “lifestyle” determined to erase all damage to both my reproductive system and the rest of my body. I consider Mr. Juicer my new friend, who I am starting to rely on to help make the concoctions that will heal all my internal wounds….and my husband sees him as a torture device that sounds more like a wood chipper grinding the kitchen cabinets in the morning then a juicer. After my husband made his point, it was a long car ride home. I sat there and wondered if I could even re-direct some of my focus to something else….and I really don’t know if I can. For once I feel like I am making a difference, that what I am doing might actually help someone else. Having said that, I love my husband and don’t want to loose him because I can’t budget my time and focus and it would be pretty selfish of me to not even try. He told me he is not going to leave my side but that it is my choice on how we live the rest of our lives. We can spend our lives being miserable, waiting for the positive test result that may never show up or happy, appreciating what we have and enjoying each other. I, of course, like option two but I am telling you what, I can’t stop what I am doing. I feel like I am closer to restoring regular ovarian function to my ovaries then I have ever been….and I am not letting anyone get in my way. I would always have the question “what if” if I stopped trying and trust me, blaming my husband for me stopping my crusade would not be good for our marriage at all! I will just have to try and not put all of my focus on my cause and try and enjoy my husband a little bit more. I know I wrote that I was going to do that….and I thought I had been doing it the last few days but maybe not?? I think this whole process is so rough on relationships not only between husbands and wives but between family members and friends. There is the awkwardness of a friend never truly knowing what to say to the person they know is suffering. The feeling a hopeful grandmother gets as she watches all of her friends become grandmothers wondering if she will ever hold her own grandchild and the moments were husband and wife are laying in bed trying to find the right words to say after she has just hung up the phone with another friend sharing her pregnancy news. It’s tough, going through any medical issue is and my advice to anyone going through a medical fight right now is to…get a hobby. Find a new focus and believe me I am taking my own advice, especially after last night. From personal experience though, don’t make your new focus shopping that can turn ugly (as I have experienced). You end up with no money and a bunch of things you don’t need…and a frustrated hubby. Find something you like to do that takes your mind off your diagnosis maybe even something that can help you heal. Yoga is very good for you and painting changes focus and is used as a healing technique and you don’t have to be Picasso. You can create a lovely stick figure piece that is sure to make you feel better. I have read about a bunch of Eastern Medicine clinics that hold healing painting seminars. One thing that I believe has really made a difference in my case is writing. Even if you are not going to publish your thoughts and feelings online for all to read, writing is a great way to release your feelings without overloading any of your loved ones. You can’t (or at least shouldn’t) wake your best friend up at night or interrupt your husband at work but your journal (or in my case my blog) is there for you whenever you need to talk. Along with writing my hobbies now include focusing on creating a list of yummy fertility juices to share with others, re-decorating my house and after yesterday improving my marriage. Hear me now, I can be a better wife, decorate the house and heal my body…after all I am a woman and we are best at multi-tasking. Notice I put be a better wife first so that I can remind myself that is the most important of the items on my list…hope it works :0)

The Climb..and a new Organically Economic Section to the Blog..You're Welcome!

After work yesterday, I dropped by to see my tax lady so that I could pay her for her services and get the paperwork my husband needed to fill out. While we were talking about how much this year’s damage was, I told her we were working on the “no baby” thing but wasn’t sure how long it was going to take. I was surprised that as I made the statement, I didn’t feel any doubt inside as I said it. When my husband and I had been sitting at the same desk only two months before, I had been devastated when the fact that we didn’t have a child was brought up. As I left with the addressed envelope to the IRS in my hand, my tax lady said “Thank you and I hope to see your baby next year.” I laughed (and not a fake laugh like it has previously been) and said “you never know.” As I got into my car, I thought “that’s right, you never know” and I told myself how proud I was of us. We were letting the situation go and letting nature take control. As I drove home, Miley Cyrus’s song “The Climb” came on and I found myself almost crying as I sang along. That song describes exactly how I feel right now and it’s true that it isn’t about how fast I get to my goal, it’s about how I get there. Sorry for getting cheesy on you but if you haven’t heard this song look at the lyrics, (http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-climb-lyrics-miley-cyrus.html) it is a very inspiring song. I am sad to report that I am going to cancel my colon cleanse and reschedule at a later date. I decided this after my husband made a good point. He told me that I needed to be careful (since I tend to rush into things) and make sure I am going to someone with a good track record because if someone doesn’t know that they are doing, they could quote “mess you up for life.” I decided that he is right especially when it comes to such an invasive thing like cleaning out my colon. I have left messages for a few of my doctors to try and get a referral and then I will re-schedule. Speaking of my colon and digestion….I am now going not only once but twice a day! I know this subject is so lady like to discuss and that you were dying to know how frequent my trips to the restroom to visit Mr. Hanky are but that is yet another positive side effect from my diet change! I have gone from sometime not even going once day to going twice a day! I have also had cramps the last few mornings and am wondering what the heck that is about? I was thinking this morning though that maybe they are different cramps and not what I am thinking they are. Is it possible that it have been so long since I had a period that I have forgotten what menstrual cramps feel like? I personally don’t think it is possible to forget what these types of cramps feel like but it is something to think about. At least now I know that whatever the cramps are, they are a result of something my body is doing naturally and not the progesterone supplements which I have officially been off of for one month today. As discussed in the Economically Correct section of my blog, I found some classes that I am going to take in order to try and relieve stress and learn how to meditate effectively. My first class is this Saturday, April 17th and is about Finding Freedom with Sedona Method Releasing. According to the add, it will teach me to let go of feelings and beliefs that are causing me to suffer. It sounds interesting and is only $15.00. There are two others next week I am also interested in one is called “Co-Creating Friednships:Removing Geopathic Stress from your Environment” ($10) and the other “Spirituality, Meditation and Self-hypnosis” (free). I believe attending these classes will teach me how to let daily stressors go and also introduce me to people who are also trying to heal their bodies. This will allow me to continue to grow my already amazing support group. Don’t worry, I am not going to stop shaving my under arms or wearing shoes. I just think I need to learn to be more laid back. I tend to be very high strung and come from a long line of people in the same boat. My grandfather, I’m told, was a very high strung individual as are my mother and most of her four brothers. I am sure it is part of causes me to be such a drama queen. Part of healing is taking “quiet” time for your body to just focus on healing and I need to learn how to do that effectively without one of my Chihuahuas biting me on the nose in the middle of my yoga breathing.

An apology to Mr. Pituitary...and becomig economically organic

I was faced with my first diet challenge yesterday. My work group surprised me with a gluten free, Godiva chocolate cheesecake for my birthday. This is my favorite dessert and I was so tempted to have a piece. I even cut a piece and was about to jump in when I an image of a baby popped into my mind. I then decided to set the piece of cake down. I felt like eating it was going to be taking a step back from what I was trying to accomplish. I sat and watched everyone else eat my birthday cake. To make myself feel better, I reminded myself how many much time I would have to spend on the treadmill to burn just one piece off...it made me feel better. After a long day at work my kickboxing class was just what the doctor ordered! Literally, the more you exercise, the more quickly the body can heal. When you exercise, you are pumping more oxygen through your body which speeds up the healing process. As I punched the bag, I talked to trash to infertility and told it to kindly get the F away from me. I was thinking in my head “you think you can bully me? Huh, well how do you like this?” and then I would do my punch combination right in infertility’s face. I kicked his butt and mine at the same time. By the time class was over, I couldn’t feel my arms. As I walked around the grocery store after class, I had to lift each selection with both hands because my arms were shaking so bad. People probably thought I had some sort of muscle condition the way my arms were shaking as I picked up each item. While sitting in a long meeting yesterday, I decided that I need to apologize to my pituitary gland. You see, I have been blaming Mr. Pituitary for our high FSH when it is really Mr. & Mrs. Ovary causing the high reading. Mr. Pituitary has been sending out the FSH and the Ovary’s are not responding to the signals. After not hearing back from the Ovary’s, Mr. Pituitary sends more FSH and so on and so on…and that is what causes an FSH reading of 89. So I am very sorry Mr. Puitary, keep up the good work. Mr. & Mrs. Ovary, time to pick up the slack. You have had quite a nice and lengthy rest and we have all been pretty understanding but enough is enough. We are all a team and you are causing our team to not even be able to contend with all of the other local teams. Not to be competitive but I am a winner not a loser, I want to contend! Besides, Mr. & Mrs. Ovary, it is rude to keep ignoring the gifts Mr. Pituitary has been sending you and not respond to him and say thank you. I command you to start responding in a more timely manner and get with the program. I will continue to support you and give you everything you need to be successful but you have to give a little to. Capish?


Yesterday was day 6 of having a large amount of CM. Although it is still not the consistency needed to make a bambino, this is a good sign of better things to come. I am inspired by my friend’s story and at the wonderful benefits from my new diet. I know that just have to be patient and things will continue to improve after all “good things happen to those who wait.” I have never had patience and I think this is one of the many things I have learned on my fertility journey. Lately whenever I get upset after hearing that yet another one of my friends is expecting, I just say to myself “patience, my friend, patience.” My juice this morning was a bit tart. My advice to any of you who have decided to start juicing…match every fruit you put into the juicer with a vegetable. I put to much fruit in mine this morning and it was too citrusy (if that is a word). I was able to drink it but a little bit at a time. It tasted like I was swimming in the middle of a ripe pink grapefruit. It has been an hour since I downed the last drop and my mouth is still sour. Something else to remember, when you are juicing oranges or grapefruits, leave the peels on. The peels are packed with all kinds of nutrients that you wouldn’t usually get by eating the fruits whole. Think of it as more bang for your buck which when you are eating organic foods you are already spending more of your bucks then you would like on your food so leave the peels on! My mother and I were discussing our strategy on purchasing foods for our new diets. We have decided to check the adds for all three of the local natural grocers and buy only what is on special at each place. This will allow us to not spend $60 on two small bags of groceries and cause my husbands stress level to remain at a manageable level. I am going to buy large amounts of the fruits and veggies that are on sale each week. What I don’t use of the fruit each week, can be sliced and frozen (most of it anyway) to be used at a different time. I have a large freezer in my garage that is just waiting to be filled with yummy organic fruits. This freezer is the only area that I haven’t filled with my crap (says my husband) but that is about to change. My Mom and I are going to be economically organic (that sounds like the name of a magazine), so coupon book get the dust out of your pockets and get ready for some action! This coupon, sale following idea was created in order to keep my hubby happy. He has nicely asked me to stop spending all our money on the latest treatments and supplements and start focusing on something else… like him. I told him my new plan on being economically organic and promised to stop ignoring him…after all, I can’t make a baby by myself :0)

Osyters, Yams and Honey...Oh My!

Well it happened….I turned 29. Turns out, it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. In fact, it wasn’t horrible at all. Yesterday, my birthday, was such a great day and I felt better then I have in a long time. If this is what getting older feels like, bring it on. Not to get all “spiritual” on you but my husband and I went to church yesterday and during the mass, Father Tim went around and sprinkled holy water on everyone. As a drop hit my forehead, I immediately felt like I had been “cleansed” of everything in my past. This was a new beginning and I was going to take it. With that, today was the first day of the rest of my life. I am no longer going to live my life wishing for something that may or may not be. I was born on April 11, 1981 with all systems “a go”. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health and I had nothing standing in my way of having a normal healthy life. What has happened in between then and now can be fixed and I am working on fixing it. A baby would be the cherry on my dairy, hormone free, soy sundae but from this day forward, I will be enjoying the things I do have instead of pining for the things I don’t have. Yesterday made me realize how truly lucky I am to have a great man who loves me, great family, great friends, two adorable Chihuahuas who make me laugh and how many other blessings I have in my life. I feel guilty for not appreciating it all in the past. Until recently, I don’t think I ever really fully appreciated anything, especially my body. I took everything my body does for me for granted just taking and never giving back. I was feeding it the items that were easiest to get my hands on never really looking at the nutritional value or hormone levels. Back in 1981, my body and I started a relationship and until recently it has only been one sided. My body is tired of giving all the time and me only taking. Since changing my diet, the difference in the way I feel is amazing. My energy levels have doubled, I have no problem sleeping, and I feel more positive like I can do anything. Something kind of strange, I have been told by a bunch of people that my eyes look lighter?? Also, I have been really cold even when standing outside in 70 degree weather. My mother has recently decided to change her eating habits and is currently reading a book “21 pounds in 21 days”. This book is about going on a cleansing diet and juicing, eating fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch (raw) and then eating hormone free meat with cooked veggies for dinner. This is along the same lines as the diet suggestions in “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. “21 pounds in 21 days” explains some of the side effects you will have when you first change your eating habits. To my surprise, when I told my mom some of the side effects I was experiencing she said that her book mentions that both the eyes changing and being cold. The book states that as you rid your body of all the harmful products, your eyes will clear up and you will experience brief periods of time (like hot flashes) where you are extremely cold. Along with the change in my eyes and getting cold, I have noticed that I have no problem sleeping and don’t even wake up in the middle of the night unless I have to use the rest room, even then I can easily go back to sleep. This is a huge relief. Since going off the pill, I have experience many nights laying awake or waking up at 2:00 AM with hot flashes which cause my mind to start racing and me to think “Oh no, a hot flash! I must be going through menopause.” The new diet has put my inner drama queen to rest for at least 8 hours a night. I also have a large amount of CM every day and have noticed that my skin is glowing. I have a spot on my face where there are some tiny broken blood vessels which I have been meaning to get lasered. I noticed the last few days that I have been twitching on my face in the exact spot where the broken blood vessels are! All of these side effects and the information my mom gave to me tells me that I must never revert back to my old evil eating ways again. I feel to good to do that. For my birthday, my family gave me some great gifts some of them were…a gift card to a local natural grocery store and a beautiful Coach bag. A girl can never have too many Coach bags and the gift card will be used as soon as I am excused from kickboxing tonight. My family on my husband’s side gave me some cute clothes, a few items for my garden and….a juicer! I think I found out what the Zoltar fortune meant when it said I was going to have a new love in my life….Mr.Juicer. Even though we started our relationship this morning at 5:30 when I made my first glass of juice, I feel that we will be friends forever. As I pushed through broccoli, sprouts, spinach, carrots and some fruit, I cringed as I imagined what the juice was going to taste like. I pictured it tasting like grass mixed with black liquorice. As the juicer’s blade came to a halt, I picked up the glass and gave it a little sniff. To my surprise it smelled fruity and delicious so I decided to test the waters and sip it and….it was good! There was a faint taste of wheatgrass in it but other then that it was a sweet delicious blend of things green, leefy and fruity… basically good health in a glass. I felt empowered as I pushed all of the produce and fruit into the juicer and felt even better after I finished the glass of juice. For the first time in a long time…or even in my whole life, I am giving back to my body and it feels amazing. That is the word of the day “amazing”. I am going to use it again because I have a truly inspiring story from an amazing woman. A very good friend of mine Stephanie, (who I have mentioned before) went off birth control about a year ago. After a few months of not getting a period, her husband and her went to see a fertility specialist who diagnosed her with PCOS and her husband with sperm problems. The specialist gave them a 0% chance of conceiving on their own and told them IUI was their only option. Around August 2009, Stephanie emailed me having heard from a mutual friend that I was having fertility issues. I immediately called her and after speaking to her for over an hour, told her I was going to send her two books that I had read after my acupuncturist recommended them, “Inconceivable” and “The Infertility Cure”. I also told her to read “Making Babies” and for both her and her husband to start following the diet recommendations immediately and for her to start getting acupuncture treatments. That was in October 2009. Since October 2009, Stephanie has seen some improvements. She had two periods and some of her symptoms such as skin issues and hot flashes have gone away. Last Saturday, April 10, 2010, Stephanie called to thank me for everything and tell me that she is 11 weeks pregnant. They had given themselves three months to get pregnant and after that, they had decided that they were going to try IUI. The day before Stephanie was to start the fertility drugs, she took a home pregnancy test to be sure she wasn’t pregnant since the drugs are not good to take when pregnant. Stephanie said she took the test fully expecting it to be negative (she hadn’t had a period for two months). To her surprise it was positive. She took three more tests just to be sure and they were all positive. Not bad for a couple who were given a 0% chance huh? As I hung up the phone with Stephanie, I felt motivated and a voice inside me asked “when are we going to beat our statistic?” I wish I knew the answer but I will continue to work on my health and hope for the cherry to put on top of my sundae. I almost forgot…..I decided to schedule a colonic. Yes, it’s true this Friday, I am going to be paying someone to clean out my colon. Most of the fertility books recommend it and I have two other reasons for getting it done. One, my grandfather passed away at the age of 52 from colon cancer and two, I ate gluten/flour for over 20 years not knowing I was allergic to it. That means there could be 20 years of pasta and bread my body was unable to properly process that stuck in my colon. I am both excited and horrified at the thought of having this done but let’s face it, giving birth can also be pretty horrifying (from what I have heard) so I will ready for that when it happens. This could be the one thing keeping my body from functioning properly so I have to do this even though the thought of having it done makes me want to wear a mask into the office when I go to my appointment. Celebrities actually get colonics done when they have special events and want to shed some weight…sick right? Why don’t they just stop eating food that is bad for them? While doing some juicing research, I stumbled upon some new fertility super foods I didn’t know about and wanted to share them. Oysters are not only aphrodisiacs they are also a fertility super food. They are shown to help regulate a woman’s monthly cycle but please be careful about where you get your raw oysters from. One bad oyster can cause you to get violently ill. Keep it fresh people! Yams are also a fertility super food. According to everydayhealth.com, populations shown to eat a lot of yams have a higher rate of twins. This makes me want to eat yams out the “yin yam”..get it.. instead of yin yang?? Well, I think I’m funny! Honey has also been used throughout history to enhance fertility and is a key ingredient in the fertility supplement Royal Jelly which is suggested by Randine Lewis in “The Infertility Cure.” So get out to the natural grocery store and by them up! I think I will have a yam for breakfast (in liquid form), a yam for lunch and yams and oysters for dinner! Just kidding….or am I?

Your Going Down FSH!

This morning didn’t go as badly as I had thought it would. After getting home around 11:30 PM last night, I figured I would be exhausted when I got up at 4:45 AM but to my surprise I am extremely energetic and feel great! I think it is because of my fruit/veggie smoothie I drank on my way to work mixed in with a great session of car karaoke. The people who drive next to me must get a good laugh off of me. They would get an even bigger laugh if they saw me rocking out on my American Idol Wii game…I love that thing! After over a week off strange cramping, I decided to take a HPT this morning. I didn’t get the result I was hoping for but that isn’t a bad thing. The cramping means there is activity, and that, for now, is good enough for me. When I woke up this morning, I noticed that I already had a wet sensation down in my lower female parts which was weird because usually no CM shows up until I have been up for at least 4 hours. It was thick and cloudy just like two days before. I just don’t know what to think because yesterday, I hardly had any CM after having tons the day before and now this morning I have the thick cloudy stuff again! What the F is going on? I feel that a letter to my body is needed….

Dear body, I know that I have been feeding “us” unhealthy versions of foods that I considered to be relatively good for me for years and that we were eating gluten for over 20 years when we shouldn’t have been. I am also aware that I took BC for over 10 years and pumped those “fake” hormones into us. I take full responsibility for my actions and am working to correct them as I write this letter. We are now on a complete organic diet! I am going to give you all the enzymes and oxygen we need to build up our immune system and get all our processes back up and rolling. I promise you that I will never revert back to my old eating habits as long as you promise to work with me in repairing the damages. I have felt you working & improving in the past month and am excited to see what the next month will bring. I wish I had an ultrasound machine at home so I could check in on the Mr. and Mrs. Ovary once in awhile or check on the status of Suzie Cervix and see if she has gotten any thicker. I know that all of you are working hard to mend things but just wish I could watch the improvements day by day. Hey, Pituitary Gland……it’s go time! Let’s stimulate some follicles! Hey follicles, you are already starting to work (which I appreciate) but let’s pick up the pace a bit, let’s respond a bit faster to the FSH Mr. Pituitary is feeding you. Hey Suzie Cervix, let’s respond to the maturing follicles and get a thicker lining so an embryo can successfully implant. And last but not least….FSH I am not afraid of you anymore! You are beatable so the intimidation stops here. I will work my butt off until I have successfully pounded you down to level that you belong. The sooner you get with the program, the sooner we can all get along! Let’s all focus so we can bring back out long missed monthly friend. Remember there is no “I” in Team! Talk to you soon, Love, Me.

I purchased the “Crazy Sexy Cancer” book and read over half of it yesterday. It confirmed that I need to do a cleanse to clean out my colon. In the book, the author states that the “average American is walking around with 7 pounds of waste in their colon” and that everyone should be going number “2 at least three times a day and if you aren’t then your colon is backed up”. Not that you want to know this but even with my recent diet change, I only go once a day. The book explains that as we eat processed foods that our bodies have a hard time digesting, the food gets hung up in our colons. This information along with the fact that my grandfather passed away from colon cancer is exactly what I needed to confirm that a cleanse needs to be done. I will be going to Vitamin Cottage this weekend to purchase whatever the concoction is I will have to swallow in order to clean Mr. Colon out. I am choosing not to take it on Sunday, because it is my birthday and I choose not to spend the day on the toilet. I will instead come home early from work one day next week and do “the cleanse” then. It takes about 4 hours for everything to come out…oh boy something to look forward to! It’s sick, but I am looking forward to it. If I am carrying that much extra weight around in my colon, no wonder why my body isn’t functioning correctly! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Dairy and hormone free! Whipee!

I woke up this morning in a panic after sleeping through my alarm for the second day in a row! I don’t know what my problem is this week but I can’t seem to get my butt out of bed on time. I woke up two times in the middle of the night with a strange cramping in my lower abdominal area and I noticed that I was really hot when I woke up. My body temperature has been doing strange things lately. I wonder if this has anything to do with my new diet change? I decided not to go to the gym last night (for the 6th day in a row) and instead went to the local natural grocery store. While I was there, I picked up some packets of Superfood to mix in with my fruit smoothies so that I don’t have to take wheatgrass shots in the morning, I will just drink the powder. I also looked through a few books on healing foods and how you are supposed to eat your vegetables. I had previously read that it was best to eat them cooked, so that they were warm and your body didn’t have to use up as much energy to digest them warm as it does when you eat cold food. One of the books in the store stated that some vegetables are most nutritious when eaten in their fresh “cold” state and others when they are cooked. Now I am all sorts of confused and am really going to have to work on eating raw veggies. I have never been a raw vegetable person unless the one veggie is dipped and covered in ranch or some other yummy, dairy infested dip. Don’t’ act like you don’t all do it! We feel good and tell ourselves we are eating “healthy” by eating vegetables but we are actually wiping out all the nutritional content of the vegetables by disguising the greens in ranch or some other equally yummy cheese dip. The books also discussed all of the horrible hormones that are now present in most of the foods consumed by Americans each day and stated that everyone needs to eat at least 2-3 servings of fruit/vegetables a day. I definitely wasn’t doing that before I changed my diet. It was coffee or a Diet Dr. Pepper (or “DDP” as we call it in the office), whatever I had time to grab on the go for lunch (with another DDP) and for dinner it was whatever could be made in the shortest amount of time. I took care of myself on the outside by working out and having good hygiene but never really considered my diet as part of taking care of myself until my diagnosis. After changing my diet, I now have a fruit & veggie smoothie in the morning (fertility diets state that it is best to only eat fruit/veggies before noon….and it doesn’t taste as bad as you would think…suck it up), a healthy salad for lunch with a caffeine free green tea and fish & vegetables for dinner. I am amazed at how much more energized I am during the day and how light on my feet I feel. My walk feels more “lively” and I find it easier to be in a good mood. I feel great! I am happy to see these results since the new grocery store is causing my wallet to be much lighter then it was before, but I am happy to make the change if it will help me heal the damage to my body. I figure that if I am not able to get pregnant on my own, I will be in the best shape I have ever been in (inside and out) for IVF treatments which will give us a much higher chance of success. On the subject of eating healthier, check out this article entitled “Benefits of Soy for Children.” It compares nutritional content for regular milk with soy milk and lists the reasons why soy milk is much better for us, for example soy milk is much lower in fat and is hormone free. I found it very interesting http://www.justmommies.com/toddlers/feeding-issues/benefits-soy-for-children. You think you are doing a great thing by drinking milk but you might want to see what you are putting in your body. For an update, I had cramping similar to what I woke up with last night, through most of the day yesterday which was also another reason I decided not to work out. When I got home from the store I used the restroom and noticed I had a large amount of white and some clear thick CM. It seemed much clearer and thicker then it had been the day before. Not really sure what this means though because I also read in one of the books at the grocery store that taking vitamins can make tracking changes in CM difficult?? It is still a change from previous months….so I will take it. I also have a bad headache today and noticed that my boobs are really sensitive….do I sense ovulation coming? ..maybe?

Don't Stop Believing! Hold on to Your Dreams..Yeah!

I have been having dreams about trying to get pregnant or being pregnant all of a sudden. I honestly cant remember dreaming about anything up until mid March and I am wondering if this has anything to do with my finally deciding to relax and let “it” go. Perhaps my yoga, femoral massages and visualization exercises are part of the change as well. Before, when I would try to visualize a pregnant belly on myself, I wasn’t able to see it. Now when I do that exercise, I get through it with no problem. All day yesterday my boobs were hurting and I had a little bit of cramping. My CM was thin and clear in the morning and yesterday evening was very thick and white and I noticed that my boobs hurt again this morning. Only time will tell if I am ovulating but waiting is killing me! Zoltar said to just believe and live a fancy and free life so I am letting nature run its course and enjoying the new purse my husband gave me (that’s the fancy part of Zoltar’s advice) & the other blessings in my life. I am going to call today and cancel the appointment with the fertility specialist on May 7th. I know I wrote that yesterday but I am flip flopping back and forth on whether I should go or not. I really want to try my new fertility diet mixed in with my yoga, visualization, vitamins and boxing (to get out the stress) until August to see if I can get my FSH down to at least 20. 20 and under is what fertility specialists require before they will work with you for egg extraction or IVF. I would like to at least lower my FSH naturally instead of using fertility drugs to do it. I really think that if I am having second thoughts about this appointment, I am not ready to throw in the towel on my body just yet. I mean…this time last year I was told my ovaries were collapsed with no follicles/eggs and less then two weeks ago my ovaries were round with follicles. When I first started all of my eastern medicine treatments, I was expecting an immediate response from my body. That is kind of how our society is these days always wanting and needing instant gratification. For example, people don’t want to loose the weight so they get liposuction & people don’t want to wait until they have the money to buy something so they take out a line of credit. It turns out my body just needed some time to heal from me eating gluten for 22 years of my life when I was allergic to it and from taking birth control for 10 years. I have learned so much since starting this journey but here are some of the most important lessons I have learned….yes I am going to enlighten you. One, patience is a virtue that I have never experienced before. I am slowly but surely learning that you must wait for good things to happen and that I can’t just expect things to happen, I have to earn it. Two, the human body is truly amazing and if you take of your body, your body will take care of you. Three, there is no such thing as a healthy quick fix. For example, you may loose weight taking water pills for that spring break trip but if you don’t give yourself a heart attack from lack of nutrition…you are going to gain the weight back plus some. The way society runs today, we are not taught to take care of ourselves. Instead, the focus is on how good you can get yourself to look, in the shortest amount of time. These days our bodies are being filled with heart stimulating supplements, soft drinks, fast food, coffee, meat with hormones and the list goes on and on…and I haven’t even mentioned the things we do to our bodies from the outside such as tanning beds. It seems that back in the good old days, you didn’t hear much about women who had fertility problems. Maybe this is because back then, people only ate what they needed to eat in order to keep their bodies going and didn’t see eating food as a luxury or an activity. Portion size has more then doubled in the past twenty years and most entrees in restaurants are filled with white flour (which is really bad for fertility) and all kinds of harmful hormones. If you think about it, why have portions changed so much? We are all the same sized people why do we require more food? Food has gone from being essential to being a luxury. We not only eat what we need to survive, we eat what tastes good and eat a lot of it. With the bigger portions of today, cleaning your plate before getting up has a whole new meaning. I just think diet is playing a key part in the rise of fertility problems and many other health problems in the last decade. A good friend of mine wrote me this morning and asked if I had heard of the movie and book series “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. She told me that the film & books are based on a documentary of a young woman who is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and works with alternative medicine to shrink her tumors and heal herself. The movie trailer on the website is so inspiring; you really should check it out http://www.crazysexycancer.com/. My friend wrote that if this woman can treat her cancer by taking care of herself, then I can conceive! Thank you Devo for that motivation and it is so true! If I wasn’t truly inspired by the improvements in my last ultrasound or my luck in Vegas, this women’s story has gotten me there. …and although I said in my blog yesterday I was going to get a juicer, I had secretly settled on the idea of just drinking V8 in the morning but after watching the trailer of Crazy Sexy Cancer, I will officially be getting a juicer after pay day this Friday. For those of you who don’t know, it takes more energy for your body to break up solid foods so if you drink your fruits and veggies your body gets to process more of the vitamins and nutrients instead of using them up as energy to digest your food. Yes…..I am full of information….and don’t say I need to get a life…this is my life! In the media reel on the Crazy Sexy Cancer website, the young woman was quoted “life is a terminal condition; we are all going to die. Everyone just kinds of waits for permission to live when we all have it in us to live our lives however we want to.” And I leave you with that …happy weds., everyone!

Mighty Zoltar and my changing luck!

Today is my first day back in reality after my five day vacation. My husband and I had so much fun and were sad to leave but ready to see our fur babies…and I was ready to get back and get my diet back in order. For the most part, I stuck to my fertility diet with the exception of consuming some alcohol but I did make sure to keep out the Gluten and Diary. I felt a bit queasy a few of the days in the morning and a bit in the afternoon but it could have been a nervous tummy. Our trip started out by me jamming to the Charlie Daniels Band with the cabi on our way to hotel/casino. Along with the car karaoke, the driver also provided us with some fun facts on country music (how it originated and has evolved). This was a bit random but why not start out my trip singing the Devil Went Down to George as we pulled up to the casino? On the plane ride to Vegas, I re-read “Inconceivable” so that I could be sure I was doing everything possible to get my body working correctly again. The author of the book was told her FSH was too high and she couldn’t conceive with her own eggs. She explains in the how she works to heal her body & mind and is able to conceive a healthy baby girl. After re-reading this book I feel inspired all over again. Starting today I will be starting an even stricter fertility diet, getting a juicer and juice some fruits and vegetables, continue acupuncture, increase my visualization exercises and the last one is a bit groose but it is mentioned in the book….getting an enema. All of these items are mentioned in the book so I am going for it. I am also going to cancel the appointment in May with the fertility specialist. I don’t feel like I am ready to go back and the book also suggests listening to your body over the doctors because in the end our bodies know what is best for us.. With this new inspiration, I also feel like I have luck on my side for the first time in a long time. A trip to Vegas is expected to bring you back with less money then you left with right? …but my husband and I did very well at the tables this time. We couldn’t loose! We gambled for the first three days and by Saturday afternoon, we were ahead by over $1,500. My husband surprised me with a really nice purse and a designer dress and we went out on the town! That night, I woke up around 3:00 AM just in time to feel a sharp cramp in my lower abdomen. I am hoping that it was either me ovulating (an eggs maturing) or a baby attaching to my uterus we will have to see. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I wondered what had happened the night before when I felt the sharp pain and noticed that I still had some cramping. Wanting some insight, I decided to go and find the Zoltar machine (yes, the one from the big movie….his wish came true didn’t it?) I had seen in one of the shops to make my wish, get my fortune and my lucky numbers. My husband thought it sounded kind of fun, so we got dressed, grabbed breakfast and were at the machine by 10:00 AM. I felt nervous as I inserted my dollar and waited for Zoltar to come alive. Zoltar waived his hand over his crystal ball and told me that whatever it is I am wanting will happen if I just believe and that I need to just live a fancy free life and what will be, will be. Then Zoltar gave me a card with my fortune that stated that “a love with soon enter and add pleasure to my life and that I will find it difficult to know when this love begins. This love will be eternal – the aspect may change but not the essence. There is the same difference in you before and after this love as there is in an unlighted lamp. The lamp was there and was a good lamp but now it is shedding light too and that is its real function. As the greatest pleasure of life is love. Remember when this love comes or if it has already arrived the heart is wiser than the intellect.” I instantly thought of my faith when I read this…and when I read the parts about “the unlighted lamp & if it has already arrived”…I immediately thought about that possibility of me being pregnant. I know that most people believe that the Zoltar & any other fortune telling machine spits out the same five fortunes to customers daily but what happened next confirmed that this fortune was meant for me. On the bottom of the fortune card were six lucky numbers. After feeling like the fortune had hit a little to close to home, my husband and I decided to take the numbers and play them on the roulette table. The odds are not very likely to hit on the exact number you put money on but we figured these were supposed to be my lucky numbers and we seemed to not be able to loose…so what the heck. Well, we beat the odds and hit one of the numbers the very first roll and won $365.00! Zoltar thinks I can beat the odds! With Zoltar behind me there is no stopping me. If I am not already pregnant, I will be doing everything I can to get myself healthy and get things rolling again. It hit me while sitting in the plane on the way to Vegas…maybe I don’t have POF at all. Maybe this is my body’s way of telling me to take better care of myself. To stop eating gluten, drinking soda and to much alcohol and learn to relax and believe in myself more. I am more positive then ever and know that now it isn’t a question of “if I can get pregnant” it is “when will I get pregnant”.

Horray for Vacay!

One day until the hubby and I are on vacay! We are so excited to take a 5 day break from reality. Healthwise, I have been feeling amazing. I have tons of energy and I feel genuinely happy…not like I am pretending to be happy. I have had a little cramping this week but nothing like last week and my temperature has been the same the last two days, 96.9. After the breast tenderness and extreme cramping last week, I decided to go to the drug store and get a HPT. While I was there, I decided to pick up a box of the Instead Softcups, I wrote about last week. The HP test was negative but I wasn’t upset. I know the symptoms I had last week were a sign that something good is happening and that is enough for me right now. After taking the test, I opened the box of soft cups and I have to admit that I am not sure I can insert them in or take them out. They look like an oversized condom with a pink plastic rim around the top. The whole thing seems a bit intrusive to me. I don’t think I am quite desperate enough to violate myself so for now, I will not be putting in a soft cup after intercourse. I know I should just suck it up but I really feel like inserting the cups would officially suck all of the fun out of sex for my husband and I. Imagine me asking him to hold me steady while I try and put in the cup when we could be snuggling and relaxing together. Enough is enough and this is where I draw the line..at least for now. I continue to be amazed at Eastern Medicine and the power we have to heal ourselves. Last night, after kickboxing, I stopped by the book store to pick up a book for my book club. While I was there, I decided to stop by the women’s health section and see if there was a new book on treating infertility I just couldn’t live without. There was a gentlemen standing in the Alternative Medicine section directly to the right of the Women’s Health section who immediately asked if I was a yoga instructor as I walked up. I smiled and said “no” but that I practice yoga and really believe in the healing power it has over the body. Inside I was secretly feeling good about myself. Before walking into the store, I thought twice about walking in with my yoga pants on feeling like my butt was to big to wear pants like that anywhere but the gym or in my basement while doing laundry….but now I suddenly felt like I was in shape. There is no point to this part of the story except to make myself feel skinny again……anyway the man and I started talking about our experiences with Eastern medicine. About 3 years ago, he was in a very bad car accident, broke three vertebrae in his spine and was told he was paralyzed from the waist down. Refusing to accept this diagnosis, he immediately dove into research on alternative medicine and started seeing a Kinesiologist and Acupuncturist. Three years later, he is standing beside me in the bookstore that he walked into and is studying to become a Kinesiologist. I was amazed at his story and all the more encouraged that I was on the right path to restoring my fertility. Another story my acupuncturist told me is regarding an older gentlemen who lost his hearing in one of his ears. The man decided to start seeing an acupuncturist after having it suggested to him by a medical provider. During his first treatment, he was told to message his ear a certain way a few times a day and get acupuncture treatments regularly. Due to money constraints, the man was unable to go back for another treatment for months but continued with the daily ear massages. When he returned for another acupuncture treatment almost 6 months after his first treatment, his hearing problem had vanished and he could hear out of both ears! I promise I am not in any way exaggerating. These two stories are completely true, I swear! Just proof that the human body is amazing and if you give your body the proper care, you never know what could happen. Well I am off to finish the work day. I will try to write while in Vegas but can’t promise anything. I hope that I have good news for you guys…maybe that I encountered the big “O”…calm down sickos it’s what you are thinking! I am hoping that I will ovulate this week. I can feel my body healing, starting to produce the hormones, mature follicles and I feel incredible. It’s nothing but smooth sailing from here boys and girls, I can feel it my bones.

When You Wish Upon A Star.........

Checklist:
A new kickboxing class to help get my frustrations out
A new found love for eating things that are good for me
Cramps for a whole week …and nothing more :0(
Only a few more days until vacation!


First I must tell you that I have found a new obsession….other then my blog of course! I attended a free kick boxing class at a boxing facility by my house last night and just loved it. I came out of the class feeling like a new woman. As I punched and kicked the bag, I was thinking “take that infertility” and “take that high FSH”! I am not normally a violent person but I am telling you, hitting things (as long as your doing it a socially acceptable way) really makes you feel better. I talked it over with my husband, and I am going to cancel my other gym membership so I can continue going to kickboxing. I am really excited to purchase my membership! So hiyah! Watch out infertility, I am going to fight you in more ways then one now! Throughout most of the day yesterday, I had some cramping in my lower left abdomen and I noticed it again as I was getting out of my car to go to class. I wondered if I was pregnant but then reminded myself that I hadn’t had what appeared to be fertile CM for quite some time and my temperatures had been the same for almost two weeks now and who knows what they were before I started keeping track again. Regardless, some cramping is sign of life in there, and I perfectly ok with that! I know things are going to be different in 2010! After the kickboxing class, I noticed that the pain over my left ovary was worse. The pain convinced me to purchase a home pregnancy test on my way home from work today. I should probably make sure before we go to Las Vegas next week anyway. Trying to relieve the cramping, I got my heating pad out and laid it on my abdomen while I watched my Thursday night shows. After about an hour with the heating pad on, I took it off and did some of the massages mentioned in “The Infertility Cure”. As I drug my hands in a circle over my lower stomach, I noticed there were lumps of tissue or something I could feel. This scared me at first but as I felt around, I kind of played with the lumps and decided that this was just fatty tissue. It is definitely something I will mention during my annual next month though….don’t want to mess around with lumps. What a horrible word “lump” is. Yesterday, while trying to keep myself busy, I decided to look up some natural ways of lowering FSH numbers. I was surprised to see that I was already doing many of the suggestions. Wheatgrass is known to help lower FSH numbers and can be taken in tablet or liquid form. You would think that being Gluten Intolerant, I couldn’t take Wheatgrass but there is actually no wheat in it. Funny huh? I am currently taking one Wheatgrass tablet every morning. Acupuncture, femoral massage and yoga are all also known to help lower FSH because they allow the blood to move more freely into the ovaries which in turn, helps to stimulate the follicles. This keeps the pituitary gland from releasing to much of the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) allowing the reading in your blood to go down. Getting the blood to circulate to the ovaries more easily with lower FSH and improve quality of the eggs in the ovaries. I am going to continue doing all of these things and take my calcium and anti-oxidant vitamins every day. I have noticed that I am not able to sleep very easily anymore. I am wondering if this is a reaction from stopping the progesterone supplements? I just lay awake at night and feel like all of a sudden I have a ton of energy that I didn’t used to have. It is either the absence of my beloved progesterone supplements or a result of my new organic lifestyle. Perhaps eating really healthy is giving me more benefits then I realized and my poor diet was making me tired before making the switch. I feel even more inspired today then I did last week! I can feel myself getting healthier and for the first time in a long time truly feel happy and at peace with things. I think that is because I know that no matter how I have to go about it…pregnancy could be rounding the corner for me in May. I hope that my FSH has lowered enough by May 7th for the fertility specialist to allow my eggs to be extracted. That would be so amazing! What would be even more amazing is if my husband and I could walk into the appointment with the fertility specialist pregnant and ask for help with the high risk pregnancy. This is what I dream about every night….and as I learned from Walt Disney…dreams can come true.

Top of the morning and Softcups!

The snow day was so nice. Even though I worked from home, there is just something about being able to stay in your comfy sweats and have your dogs on your lap while you work on spreadsheets or make phone calls. I tried to relax as much as humanly possible yesterday. It is not easy for me to relax, I am wound up pretty tight and that is how I work best….unfortunately that is not good for my body…especially in the fertility department. I worked out on my elliptical while watching CSI and then completed a 45 minute fertility yoga session to try and jump start ovulation. I love the yoga DVD I use because a few minutes after I finish each session, I get cramps so I can actually feel my body benefiting from practicing yoga which is really rewarding. CM was clear but not very abundant yesterday which is a bit frustrating after having a good amount on Tuesday. My temperature this morning was 97.6 and I woke up with cramps and a headache…I’m not complaining…just trying to give you the facts! I remember reading that both headaches and PMS symptoms, like cramps, can be symptoms of pregnancy but I don’t know if that could be possible yet. I have had cervical mucus though..hmm? Either way, I welcome cramps any day because they make me feel “normal”…whatever that means? Being home yesterday allowed me to do some research on how to increase my chances of conceiving and I found a few things I am going to try out that I thought were worth sharing so here it goes….. According to an article I read on www.justmommies.com, 1. Having sex in the morning can increase a couples’ chance of conceiving. This is because a man’s sperm count is the highest in the morning and the morning is also the time of day that most men have the highest sexual interest…so I guess I will be calling in late a little more often in the next couple of months?? 2. Evening Primrose Oil is an oil (no kidding?) produced from a wildflower and has been used for many years for things like natural labor induction and fertility. This oil is said to improve the quality of CM (cervical mucus) which is essential to allowing semen to swim to the fertilized egg. 3. and this one is such a good idea….The article suggests inserting an Instead Softcup into the vagina (yes I just typed vagina) after intercourse, will help keep semen close to the cervix longer. This will allow more sperm to reach the fertilized egg and increase your chances for conceiving. Until recently, Softcups were only used during periods but women in the United States have found a new use for them…and it works. Instead, the maker of the cups has had an overload of emails from women telling their success stories. Something else suggested in an advertisement I found for the Softcups is “directly depositing” semen into one of the cups and then inserting the cup into the vagina. This to me sounds more like a science experiment and would most likely take the fun out of baby making for my husband and I. I mean if you have to worry where the cup is the whole you are “doing it”, then hold the cup in the perfect position to catch the little guys and then insert it up into your cervix while trying not to spill…yep it’s official that would be a definite mood killer. Am I saying we wont try it if we still aren’t pregnant in a few months? No! We will be more desperate by then. . Anyway, it looks like most drug stores have Instead Softcups…who knew there was even such a thing? Here is a link to the article on boosting your fertility, I am going to try the few things I have just mentioned, who knows maybe they will help? http://www.justmommies.com/getting-pregnant/boost-your-chances-getting-pregnant/7-fertility-aids-secret-tips-from-moms. Well I going to get to work now. Just wanted to mention that while I was writing about the Softcups above, I had a sharp pain in my lower abdominal area and at the same time had a pain in my right breast. Kind of weird huh? Wonder what the heck my body is doing in there?? I hope it is something good :0)

Holy snow!

Holy snow! We were hit with a blizzard over night so this morning I am sitting here working from home in my pjs. Snow Day!!! I am not proud that I already ruined my organic diet. Yesterday for lunch, I went to Cheesecake Factory with some friends from work and decided that I would split the gluten free Godiva cheesecake with someone. I ended up eating over half the piece and let me tell you it was amazing! For all of you GF people, if you have a Cheesecake Factory near you, you must go and try the Chocolate Gluten Free Godiva Cake! It is a small piece of what I imagine heaven would taste like. I decided that after my binge eating at lunch that I would not be eating anything but a banana for dinner and that was just so I could take my vitamins. That ended up being a good decision because about 30 minutes after my husband and I got home from work, we lost power in our home for about two hours. He ended up having turkey sandwiches for dinner and I, of course, had a banana. We decided to practice making a baby until the power came back on and then we fought over what we were going to watch. He has something against American Idol and I am so tired of watching House Hunters International which is his new obsession. I have no interest in watching people who have a ton of more money then me, purchase an awesome home in some awesome place like Italy or Australia. I am perfectly happy with my own life, unless I am reminded that I don’t have one like that and for this reason, House Hunters International makes me sad. I usually end up watching it because I get tired of fighting over the control and Idol this year isn’t what it used to be…I am sorry to say. With the exception of a couple of the contestants, they are all pitchy and sound like they are at a karaoke bar. I am not saying I can sing as good as them (even though I do take a stab at it occasionally on my American Idol Wii game), I am just saying that if you are competing for a record contract it needs to be better then karaoke bar quality don’t you think? All day yesterday my boobs hurt, I had cramps and I had thin, clear CM. I am very interested to see what happens today. My temperature was at 97.6 today which is a little higher then yesterday and when I was doing the ovarian message last night, every time I rubbed near my left ovary I would get a sharp cramp in the middle of my lower abdomen…kind of weird right? I can feel my body trying to ovulate and I hope it is successful. Well I can hear the Chihuahuas tearing something up they shouldn’t have so I guess I better end this and go yell at them.

You are what you believe....

I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the gym this morning after what happened yesterday. Just thinking about that woman falling, blood spraying everywhere and the sight of her laying there convulsing with her eyes open just gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. My husband laughed when I told him that, he said “it’s not like she died”, but to me that incident just makes that place have bad vibes this morning…that and I just didn’t feel like running after not getting much sleep. My lack of sleep is for two reasons….1. The toilet in our master bathroom has something wrong with it and sounds like a dripping faucet. The sound of dripping toilet water was driving me crazy last night! I almost grabbed one of my husband’s baseball bats and went after the stupid toilet….but I decided to get up early instead. The other reason for my lack of sleep is my fault. I decided to call the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office yesterday since I hadn’t heard anything regarding my lab results. When I was transferred to a nurse, I decided that along with inquiring about my lab results, I would also ask if they could tell what stage of my monthly cycle I was in from my ultrasound. I should have just stuck with what the actual doctor told me because the nurse’s opinion was completely different…and not in a good way. First of all she kept saying that the doctor couldnt find my right ovary and it was left ovary that was blocked by my bowels. Second, she said that my ovary was listed as small in conclusion with my POF/POI diagnosis but the doctor had said my ovary was a normal size. Third, she said the lining of my uterus was way to thin for an embryo to attach so there is no way I could get pregnant but the doctor said I could most definitely get pregnant. The nurse answered every question except the first one I had asked which is “what stage of ovulation am I currently in.” Due to the fact that I haven’t had a period since November, the doctors don’t know what to think. I could be one of those people who don’t bleed at all because I don’t build up a lining in my uterus or I could be one of those people who bleed every couple of months. There is no way to know what stage of ovulation my body is in because I haven’t had a bleed in a few months. The nurse did however state that my follicles appeared large which is how they would look if I had just had a period. Here is my question though, how do they measure whether a follicle is considered large or small? Couldn’t it be different for each person’s ovaries? I didn’t ask the nurse this out loud, I just listened to what she had to say, told her I would stop taking the thyroid supplement (lab results confirmed that I don’t need them) and hung up. I am glad I called and spoke to the nurse though because that just proves to me that every doctor/nurse has their own opinions on the female reproductive system. Now more then ever, I feel that we control what our bodies can and can not do….not the doctors. I believe that the more negative information we hear about our bodies, the more we believe it and that is what causes our bodies to not perform basic essential tasks it should be able to. It’s just like anything else, if all you hear is negative information; you are eventually going to believe it. I was told this time last year that I had _NO eggs left and I would never have another period…well here we are one year later. I have had two periods and currently have follicles sitting in my ovaries. All I am saying is that doctors just don’t know what our bodies are capable of. The power of mind over matter can achieve so much more then modern medicine. If none of you have read “Inconceivable” you really need to. This book is about a woman trying to get pregnant, who is told it isn’t possible to have a natural pregnancy. She launches into self discovery mode, goes on an organic diet and starts doing yoga. She ends up having a perfectly healthy baby. In this book, they also discuss how there are women in Native American tribes who have perfectly healthy babies way past the age of 50. They state that this is because they are brought up to believe that their bodies are amazing and that they are for producing children. These women are not given any information on what their bodies can do only to a certain age so their bodies are able to produce babies with no problems. I guess the moral of my posting today is that we are all products of our environment. If you believe all the negative things you hear from your doctors about your health then I guess it is true but if you choose to accept only what you want to then you never know what could happen. This week I can actually feel my ovaries trying to work. I know this sounds strange but every time I press in the acupuncture seeds in my ear, I can feel my body trying to heal. Occasionally I get sharp pains in one of my ovaries and I have cramps and breast tenderness this morning which are both good signs! My temperatures have gone from being 97 one day to 98 the next to staying steady around 97. I am going to believe in my ovaries and the rest of my body, stay on my healthy diet, cut down to one soft drink a week…ok maybe two, and continue practicing my yoga and meditation. I know that things are going to continue to improve. I have failed my body in the past by not believing in it and for that I am sorry…Sorry ovaries! Well we are now on the same team so watch out! I called the fertility specialist’s office yesterday on my way home just to see if they might be able to extract my eggs…now that I have them….you know the ones they said I didn’t have (sorry I am feisty today). The nurse I spoke to said that if my FSH was below a certain level and I responded to the drugs they would give me before extracting my eggs, then they could definitely extract them. I have decided that this is going to be my goal. Believe in my body, get healthy enough to where the fertility specialist will offer to extract my eggs and then my husband and I can make that decision. Here is my opinion on the whole “egg extraction” thing. We can always extract eggs, have them frozen and then see if we can conceive on our own. If we don’t, then we will have our eggs to use for Plan B instead of using a complete strangers. I don’t think we will need it though, my body is ready to conceive on it’s own but it is never bad to have a plan b. If I don’t use the eggs, I will donate them to someone who does. I am ending this post with another letter to my ovaries. Dear ovaries, I can feel you trying to come back full time. I believe in you and the work you can do and hope that you continue to fight. I have seen your work in the past and know how excellent it can be. I know you are back! That ultrasound was amazing and it will keep me believing in you even if every doctor in the state tells me I shouldn’t. It’s just the five of us fighting this war (2 ovaries, 1 uterus, 1 brain and me) and we are going to win, I can feel it.




I want to say congrats to a great friend (let’s just call her “S”) who just found out she is pregnant. I am so happy for you guys! To the proud parents of baby Quinn, I hope you get to take your baby home soon! I have been thinking about you guys and cant wait to meet her! To my cousin, it’s almost over! Just a few more weeks and I promise you will have your gift by the end of the week! Remember everyone mind of matter!

Dear Ovaries....I hope you start producing...I am counting on you

So, my faith in the human race is quickly deteriorating. I was finishing my run on the track at the gym this morning when I came around a corner just in time to see a woman who was climbing off an elliptical, pass out. As she was climbing off the machine she lost consciousness, went into a dead fall, hit her head on the weight machine next to the machine she had been on and was down in front of me. I ran over to the women, her eyes and mouth were wide open, she was shaking and there was blood and water all over the floor. She had cracked open her head on impact with the weight machine and dropped her water as she fell. I immediately leaped over the railing to the track and let the front desk know they needed to call the paramedics and then went back over to help. By then two other people were bent over her trying to help. I was amazed that as this woman fell, hit her head and started to shake…no one but myself and the two other people helping even flinched…and the gym was packed. There were actually people on the track who were jogging around her. All I could think is “what is wrong with these people!!??” Someone could have just died and they were all to concerned about keeping up their heart rates to even stop and make sure this woman was all right. When I had lept over the railing to tell the front desk, there was actually a man riding a bike and reading his newspaper who asked me what was going on and then just said “oh” after I told him and looked back down at his paper and continued on his bike merry little bike ride. Really? How would any of those people who didn’t act concerned feel if it were one of their loved ones that had fallen and no one seemed to care??? I am happy to report that the woman seemed to be fine. She re-gained consciousness and was talking and laughing as she was wheeled away by the paramedics. Even with the large, bed on wheels being pushed through the track to get to the elevator, people were still running around it. People amaze me! This incident at the gym caused me to be a bit behind this morning so I wasn’t able to grab breakfast at home before I left. As I walked into my work building, I decided to run into the convenience store on the first level and grab a banana for breakfast. I had thrown myself together and had my hair up in a pony tail (not even thinking about the seeds in my ears that were held in place with band aids as part of my acupuncture treatment). As I walked up to the register and handed the cashier the banana, she started talking to me almost yelling at me, “DO YOU NEED A RECEIPT?” I just smiled and said “No” and then she loudly said “OK”, “THANKS FOR COMING IN”. I was a bit confused as to why this woman would find the need to talk to me so loudly. I just let it go and rode the elevator up to my floor, “maybe she has a hearing problem” I thought to myself. I decided to stop for a potty break on my way in. As I walked into the bathroom, I checked out the thrown together look I was sporting in the mirror…and then it hit me. There in the reflection staring back at me were the band aids in my ear. I realized that the seeds kind of looked like a hearing aid…the cashier probably thought I had a hearing aid…and then it all made sense. I decided to take my hair down for the remainder of the day, no matter how horrible it looks. And now a brief update…Over the weekend my temperature stayed at 97.1 and this morning was 96.4….maybe this is the dip I have been waiting for before the peak in temperature??? Yesterday I didn’t have fertile CM but was encouraged at what I saw this morning before leaving for work. I still don’t have the stretchy stuff but I am keeping my fingers crossed. The ovaries and I talked on our ride into work today so I am encouraged they will pull through on their first major project since coming back from leave. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

It's beginning to look a lot Christmas......in March

Top of the mornin to ya!  It is very cold and snowy here today which is going to give me a perfect exuse to convince my husband we should go and walk around the mall. He will not be able to play golf or work in the garage with the 20 something temperature we have got going on today..so yeah shopping day!  I would like to discuss something I saw on t.v. recently, on one of my favorite shows.  First, let me say that I love this show and the women in it, in fact if I could pick a famous family to be a member of their would be it.  It's just one of the women on the show actually thought she could go horse back riding while being 5-6 months pregnant. Now, I have never been pregnant but I even know that you have to be careful to not take to bumpy of a ride in a car while being preggers so why in the world would this person think she could horse back ride??? So crazy to me.  Maybe it was just a momentary lapse in judement? This morning my temperature was again 97.1. I am anxiously awaiting for my temperature to soar one of these mornings and to see the stretchy cervical mucus....I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am having a lot of weird cramping so I have a feeling this is the month things are going to get "re-started"....yes I am singing the blacked eyes peas song again. "Let's get it started, let's get it started in here".  Hopefully Monday will bring a new week and will also include one of my posts with news that I have ovulated.  Dear ovaries, let's do this. I can feel you trying to spring life foward...so what are you waiting for? We have been waiting to do this since we started our relationship in the sixth grade!  Let's make up for lost time together and dig in right away.  Come on, I'll even take you to dinner tonight if you work hard today..okay? Just one more thing......welcome baby Q! You are so cute and I am so happy for your mommy and daddy! Get some sleep guys...you are going to need it :0)

Let's Get It Started!

First, I am sad to report that the blizzard that was supposed to come overnight didn’t hit until this morning, which means I am writing from my desk and not from my warm bed :0(. My temperature is still coming in at a steady 97.1. My temperatures have never been this steady since I started charting so this is very encouraging. My acupuncture appointment was great yesterday...thank you for asking. Carol, my acupuncturist, helped me to better understand where my body is in the ovulation process and where the follicles come from. When you have visible follicles in your ovaries that don’t appear to have burst, your body is starting a new cycle. The follicles that are in your ovaries will kind of compete to see who will mature first and release an egg. Occasionally more then one will mature and that is what happens with multiple births. I bet you are wondering where the follicles come from aren’t you? Well it was explained to me yesterday that when women are born, we are born with a follicle “pool” filled with all of the follicles we will ever have. Each month, certain follicles are chosen from the pool to move up into the ovaries and compete to see who will mature. Follicles that do not win the competition (do not want to call them losers because in my book…any follicle is a winner) go back into the pool to compete the next month...this must mean I have some sort of pool right? But I’m wondering if the pool is large enough to do laps in or just wade around in like in a kiddy pool? The fact that there have not been follicles in either of my ovaries in past ultrasounds must mean there is some sort of supply there….at least that is what I think. I mean, follicles don’t just appear from nowhere. According to what I learned from Carol at my appointment yesterday, I am going to assume that I should be ovulating…if things work correctly…within the next 5-7 days. This possibility is making it very hard to concentrate on anything but what my ovaries are doing and is making me want to drink a lot of water so I can run to the bathroom and check my cervical mucus. I knew I shouldn’t have thrown away all of my “time of the month” underwear but who knows maybe that was part of why things are working again. Throwing away the underwear could have been part of my letting go of the control and moving on. My acupuncture treatment was great and I have the acupuncture seeds in my ears to stimulate my entire endocrine system. I am to press them 3 times a day for about 30 seconds each. Did you know that there are over 200 acupuncture points in just our ears? Did you also know that practitioners of Traditional Chinese medicine can treat and/or diagnose just about any ailment you might have through your ear? Here is an article explaining ear acupuncture more in depth and I have also included a chart showing some but not all of the ear acupuncture points on the human ear. http://www.theacupuncturesuite.com/html/ear_acupuncture.html.

 Look at all of them, Chinese Medicine continues to amaze me. Ok enough about the seeds in my ear. I got home after my treatment and started cooking what was supposed to be my ovaries’ welcome back dinner…yes my husband and I decided to have a dinner in honor of them…if you think this is weird…wait until I have a period and we have a christening for the first tampon..just kidding I would never do that. My husband walked in, started munching on the guacamole I had made for him and turned on college basketball. I had been thinking to myself most of the day and wanted to know his opinion on whether or not he thought I should try and get some eggs extracted while things appeared to be working. That was originally my plan..try to get things working to where I could get some of my eggs extracted just in case. Well when I asked him, you would have thought I was accusing him of having an affair or something. He immediately got really angry and stressed. He asked “how could you ask me something like that, like it is nothing? Like it is just a small procedure like a teeth cleaning?” We ended up fighting for the better part of an hour. He was convinced that I was just looking for ways to stress him out and I was trying to convince him that I was just trying to be pro-active and wanted his opinion without him getting angry. After pushing the pan I was cooking dinner to the side and turning off the stove and stomped upstairs to get away and calm myself down so that I didn’t loose the effects of my acupuncture treatment. I started putting together a gift for my cousin and once that was done I started going through paint samples for the walls in our extra bedroom. While completing these two tasks it hit me, I have just become so numb to all of the fertility talk that it just doesn’t affect me like it does my husband. I literally live and breathe this stuff every day, I live for researching every new method, supplement or massage that could help my body heal. I am able to write about mucus, temperatures, ultrasounds and many other fertility related subjects without even thinking twice so it is hard for me to remember that through our fertility journey my husband has been doing the complete opposite of what I have been doing….he has been acting like it isn’t happening. I am not saying he hasn’t been supportive, it’s just that in order for him to cope with what has been going on, he doesn’t focus on it as much as I do. That is why I didn’t think anything of asking him about egg retrieval while we were making dinner and also why I was confused and frustrated at his reaction. You mean my eggs are not an appropriate dinner conversation? How about your sperm then?? It was decided that we were going to just enjoy our marriage and each other until our appointment with the fertility specialist in May. If we are not pregnant by then and I have not had a period (complete cycle) by that appointment then he said he would consider egg retrieval. I really feel like we will be pregnant by then but I feel comforted knowing that option two is waiting in the distance for us if we need it. It was also decided that we would be going out to dinner since I had thrown our dinner across the stove while trying to make a dramatic exit during our fight….seemed like a good idea at the time. We went to a local Mexican place for a much needed margarita, some more guacamole and tacos. As we were sitting there eating dinner, I felt the muscles in my lower abdomen twitching and then I had a weird cramping sensation near the area I imagine where my left ovary is…I promise this wasn’t the Mexican food. I think it was my body reacting to the acupuncture treatment. As I laid in bed waiting to fall asleep last night, I did an ovarian massage and had another conversation with my ovaries, this time I was focusing more on the follicles but still felt like I needed to include the ovaries as well...didn’t want to make them jealous of their new friends. All I said was “let’s do this.” Then I started signing the Blacked Eyed Peas song “let’s get it started” in my head. That can be my reproductive system’s theme song for the next couple of weeks. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully I will have a spike in temperature over the weekend to report! Baby Q…it is time….come meet your mommy and daddy today!

Aint No Rhyme Or Reason.....

This morning was a challenge. Sometimes I have days where I feel like God may be challenging me to see what I can handle and I am proud to say I have been able to let all of the happening of this morning roll off my back and onto the floor and as I write this I am able to smile. I managed to make it to the gym this morning and thanks to my new book, my run just flew by. I was in the “sit up” area finishing my workout when the first challenge approached. On my days that I don’t life weights, I do sit ups and left lifts on one of those large exercise balls. In this area of the rec center, there is really only enough room for two people to lay mats down and comfortable do their sit ups. I was the second person to join the area so I laid down my matt, got the ball off the shelf and went to it. Halfway through my work out someone decided they were not going to take a mat and go elsewhere in the huge two story gym…they were going to wedge themselves in-between myself and the other man that was working out beside me. I then, was forced to move over and wedge myself in-between the weight bars and the matt stand. For the rest of my work out, I couldn’t extend my less without worrying about kicking equipment or the rude person next to me. Part of me (the evil part of me) wanted to just kick him once and act like it was an accident. I let it go and moved into my last ball exercise which is doing push ups while balance my legs on the ball. Doing this exercise requires focus and balance. I was doing quite well when the rude person exercising next to me decided it was time to put up their matt on the matt stand I was now working out on because they had plopped themselves down on top of me to do their sit ups. As this person moved toward the stand, they bumped the exercise ball I was balancing on and send me crashing to the ground. Super annoyed and just got back on the ball without even looking up at this stranger. I am sure they were smiling thinking it was funny they knocked me off the ball and were waiting for me to laugh with them but honestly after waking up with cramps for the third morning in a row…I was not up for laughing and was just trying to get through my morning without yelling at a complete stranger. I finished my workout and was on my way home to get ready for work about five minutes later. On my way home one of my favorite country songs was on the radio so I jammed all the way into the garage. I showered and got dressed pretty quickly and was about to leave when I caught the cabinet door on my blouse as I closed it. The button to the top of my blouse went flying off exposing my bra and what could be my boobs if they were a little bigger. Already running late and feeling flustered, I decided sewing on a button was not an option so I ran upstairs to change. Not even really paying attention to what I put on, I am now sitting here at working thinking…what the heck am I wearing. My thoughts are that if I am thinking this…..I don’t even want to know what my co-workers are thinking. The drive to work was relaxing and I was enjoying the sunlight and the good music until I hit the traffic jam. I had exactly 20 minutes to get to work before the morning meetings started and had high hopes of making it until I spotted the traffic jam. Already feeling stressed, I decided to turn the radio up, breathe and just enjoy the extra time I would have this morning not being at work. I pulled into the garage as my meeting was starting but was feeling ok about it. I mean, that has maybe happened twice in my almost four years with the company. As I went to badge into the garage, I decided to throw my badge out of the window on accident. I had to get the cars behind me to back up so that my stupid, clumsy butt could back my car enough to be able to open my door and pick up my badge. I smiled and waved as cars honked at me. What is that song by Sugarland? “Aint no rhyme or reason, no complicated meaning, Aint no need to over think it, let go laughing”….or something like that. As I drove into my parking spot I was giggling about the badge incident at how annoyed I would be at someone else doing that in front of me. I walked into work with a smile on my face proud of myself for not letting my stressful morning affect my mood. After all, on Monday I found out I can have a baby. This is something I have been praying about for so long and it has come true! I had to laugh at my hubby last night. I was goofing around while getting ready from bed and he looked at me and said “we can’t tonight, we have to wait until tomorrow”. I laughed and asked “what are you talking about?” Then he replied “We have to let my sperm build up.” I then realized that he does listen to me when I am telling him the things he needs to do in order to better our chances of having a bambino. Sometimes I feel like he is just sitting there waiting for me to sop running my mouth. Or course knowing my personality and knowing his…I am sure sometime he is waiting for some peace and quiet but that moment last night made me feel like he was in this now. It truly is amazing how much the doctors appointment on Monday has already changed our lives for the better. Everyone needs a little good news once in a while. Well today is day four of the horrible cramps in the morning. I believe it is from my stopping my progesterone supplements. It is my body saying “what the heck.” My temperature is at 97.2 for the third day in a row which is a good sign. My temperatures are no longer all over the chart. They seem to be somewhat normal which is not normal for me. I continue to be more encouraged every day and am very excited to see my acupuncturist today. Stimulate those follicles…stimulate away …I say. One more day until the weekend…yay! (yes I meant for that to rhyme…)

Hump Day Reading....and a shout out!

Oh man, first I must vent a bit on drivers here in the lovely state of Colorado. When did it become legal to tail someone so closely that the person you are tailing can taste the cologne or perfume you are wearing? This morning I was in a bit of a rush so I was already speeding and in the far left lane to be sure I was able to move as quickly as possible. My drive was going right along with no “bumps in the road” until up crept a little car and his front lights disappeared behind my car. I swear I could smell the jerks cologne and a bit of cigarette smoke. I just ignored him since I was also trying to pass people on my right and already going at least 15 over the speed limit…besides why should I move for him and then have to slow down in traffic? About 10 minutes later, he started flashing his brights at me and that is when I got angry. Not only are you endangering me by riding on my car but now you are going to impair my vision with your brights. Unless this person was trying to save gas by using my car to move his car this was extremely rude! If I didn’t love my car, I swear I would have slammed on the breaks right there and sent the loser into my bumper which most likely would have totaled his car and done some serious damage to mine. Unfortunately, I do not have insurance that covers breakdowns so I didn’t do that, I just rode it out and about five minutes later, the disgruntled driver sped around me and found another person to tail. I took a deep breath and continued singing along to the radio. About five minutes later, I was happy to see what looked like the car that had been tailing me pulled over on the side of the road. I believe Karma is the word I am looking for. On to my update…after my ultrasound on Monday, I immediately dove right back into my eastern medicine fertility books and research. I found an article written by the author of “the Infertility Cure” that had a list of things that Randine Lewis, the author, suggested women can do to improve their fertility. They were 1. Increase blood flow (she found that certain acupuncture and acupressure techniques improve blood flow to the ovaries. Better circulation to any organ improves its function. Also the femoral message, ovarian message and electro-acupuncture can dramatically reduce stress and age induced constriction of the uterine and ovarian blood vessels.) 2. Nourishment (Certain dietary supplements like wheat grass, blue-green algae, and royal jelly are known to help restore follicular health. Avoiding coffee, refined carbs and avoiding dairy and hormonally treated animal products will clear out toxic effects of a poor diet.) 2. Hormonal imbalance (endocrine systems operate via feedback so that hormones wont work properly unless the brain senses the right cures form our tissues. Properly prescribed herbal formulas which will help the underlying pattern of imbalance, can restore our own hormonal function). Thought this was interesting. The article is entitled “Turning Back the Reproductive Clock” by Randine Lewis. After reading this article, I decided I must start going to my acupuncturist more than once a month and made an appointment to go tomorrow afternoon. I have been practicing the femoral message but need to read about the ovarian message and make sure I am doing that one as well. I have done electro-acupuncture before and can tell you that I had two cycles after that treatment so I may ask for that tomorrow at my appointment. I am also going to ask for an herbal prescription that may help now that things seem to be trying to work. I also did some research on ovarian follicles which was interesting. The article I read stated that women are born with all of the follicles we will have in a lifetime. If this is true, how could my right ovary be shrunken/collapsed with no follicles last May 2009 and then be large with three plus follicles in March of 2010. This to me proves that western medicine still doesn’t truly understand the wonder that is the female reproductive system. I am amazed at the transformation and am in love with my body. I now have conversations with my body in the morning and at night before I go to bed. At night I kind of mix it in with my prayers. I truly believe you have to love yourself inside and out. Up until about a month ago I was very angry with my body and at God for doing this to me. I decided that being angry and playing a victim wouldn’t do anything but prematurely age me and make me bitter…. And now one likes an old looking, bitter had do they? (I picture Weezer from Steel Magnolias) I prayed for forgiveness from God and in my prayers apologized to my body for turning my back on it. In my prayers, I discussed my plan to move on to donor eggs and prayed that both my body and God would help me to be strong enough to make it through that process. Three weeks later I have a better attitude towards life, a healthier relationship with my husband and what appears to be functioning ovaries! Please don’t think I have false hopes here. I know it could still be difficult for me to conceive naturally. I may go months without ovulating and I will have to watch everyday for signs but to me the fact that I could have a child with my own eggs is enough to keep me from jumping into the donor egg pool for at least 6 months. Who knows, my body could completely recover by then and be having periods every month….you just never know. Happy Hump Day. I hope that you all feel as inspired as I do today! A quick shout out to my dear friend who is anxiously waiting for her sweet baby q to come. I hope she will be a leprechaun baby :0)

An Exiting and Unexpected Doctors Visit!

Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel happy. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist went really well. She didn’t agree to try any of the treatments I have mentioned on my previous blogs but she did go over my disorder with me and discussed options. The visit was well worth the 4.5 month wait and my husband and I are not able to stop smiling today. I feel as though I have cheated the system or something. My body is truly amazing…before you judge me or call me conceited, please let me explain. I am talking about how I look in a bikini….I am talking about my bodies transformation since this time last year. Are you dying to know what happened yesterday? Ok, I guess I will tell you. I didn’t sleep very well on Sunday night, partly because I had slept most that day after getting the water removed from my ear at the emergency care center (from my bath the day before). As soon as the doctor drained my ear, my body sent a message to my brain that said Naptime! I made a nice lunch for my husband and I and immediately went upstairs and took a 3 hours nap. When my husband fell asleep on Sunday night, I just laid there with the TV off trying to visualize my brain sending a message to my ovaries. A lot of the eastern medicine books discuss visualization exercises and how important they are. Most fertility yoga DVDs have periods of about 5 minutes at the end of the sessions where you do them and I have found that doing a visualization exercise at night helps me go to sleep and often brings inspiring dreams. On every time I would to where I was almost to where I had a picture in my head, the puppy would like me in the face or start scratching on the mattress to create her bed. I finally fell asleep around 11:00 PM which would explain why I couldn’t get up to go the gym at 4:30. I managed to get out of bed around 5:00 AM and started getting ready for work. Distracted by the day I had ahead of me, I forgot to take my temperature and use the fertility monitor. I made my fruit smoothie, put in my ground up flaxseed (making babies) and was out the door. Amazingly my work day flew by and I was out the door in no time. I grabbed an un-which from the jimmy johns across the street and then walked to the parking garage. It felt like my car flew to the hospital where the appointment was and before I knew it I was sitting the lot trying to get up the nerve to walk inside. I called my husband who gave me a quick pep talk, ate my un-which and then started the walk inside. As I walked into the hospital, I immediately spotted the information center. I asked where the Advanced Reproductive offices were and this nice elderly man stood up and pointed to the nearby elevator bank and told me to go to the third floor. I thanked him and nervously took the elevator to the third floor and felt like me knees were going to give from under me as I stepped out of the elevator. I found the receptionist and told her I had a 1:00 PM with Dr. Santorro. I was given some paperwork to fill out and paid my copay. Luckily the paperwork took so much time to complete that I had zero waiting time in the lobby to think about what was about to happen. As I went up to turn in my paperwork and clipboard a nurse appeared to first take my vitals and then take me back to see the doctor. She weighed me (which I hate having my weight flashed in front me when I am already having issues) and took my blood pressure. When we were done she took me into an inner office where the doctor and a doctor in training were sitting waiting for me. Both introduced themselves and I already felt like this doctors appointment was going to be different. Dr. Santorro started out by reviewing my family history and then what has happened since I went off the pill last March 2009. She went through all of my lab results pointing out the positive and negatives. For example, my estrogen levels have been fluctuating which is a sign that I have activity in my ovaries and my vitamin d3 levels were low so I need to start taking supplements. After we went through everything that happened, she went over the specifics of POF and what I can expect. The doctor explained that women with POF have what is called a 10 year window when trying to get pregnant. This means that it is possible for us to get pregnant, but if you are not on top of fertility signs it can take up to 10 years to do so. Women with POF can have a period one month and then not have another for a few months. With POF, follicles are stimulated, ovulation can be about to occur and then the balance of hormones will be off and the whole ovulation will be cancelled. It is not that women with POF don’t ovulate; it’s that we don’t do it as regularly as other women. She explained what I needed to do in order to increase my chances of conceiving. Taking anti-oxidant vitamins, calcium supplements (2000 mg a day, divide doses take with food) and take Vitamin D3 (2000 IU per day). I also need to be watching my cervical mucus; this will be the best indicator for me since I don’t have regular periods. The doctor also told me some of the things other patients have noticed, for example their faces get a bit more oily then normal when they are ovulating. I asked every question I had down to ask and discussed all of my concerns with the two doctors. We then reviewed the medications I am currently taking. Dr. decided to take me off the progesterone stating that progesterone is actually given to women who have just given birth to make sure they can lactate and it actually keeps them from having periods. She also decided to run a thyroid test to see if I even need to be taking a thyroid supplement and also ran a bone density test to make sure everything is ok. She told me if it is low, I will need to increase my calcium intake or go on a low dose of hormone replacement which you can still get pregnant on. After we were done talking, she told me she would like to do an ultrasound and check up to make sure everything looked ok “down there”. I gulped as I played the last ultrasound I had in my head. I must have cringed as I remembered the encounter because both doctors asked if that was ok. I smiled and nodded and away we went to the ultrasound room. On our way I asked if I could use the restroom. The last thing I wanted to do was pee on one of the doctors during the ultrasound….that could be so embarrassing. As I pulled my pants up and washed my hands, I thought I would have one last conversation with my ovaries. I just patted my stomach and said “remember the letter from last week? Please respond”. I chuckled to myself when I realized how ridiculous I sounded but it was making me feel better. Doctors are always telling people we need to be more in tuned with our bodies, doesn’t that include conversations with our organs? As the doctor inserted the ultrasound tool, I said another quick prayer and then waited as the doctor tilted the screen towards me. She showed me the lining in my cervix and said it was a bit thin but then explained that was because I hadn’t had a period in a few months. Then she went looking for my ovaries and I think I stopped breathing as she found the right one and said “there it is and look how big it is”. Shocked, I looked up at the screen and saw my big, round ovary with little dots inside. The dots were follicles and there three maybe four of them!!! I couldn’t believe it. She then went searching for the left but was unable to find it due to my bowels being in the way which is completely normal. I guess if you have eaten anything within the 24 hours from when you receive an ultrasound, your bowels can block your ovaries. As the doctor made another comment about the follicles, I told both the doctors that even if they were lying I appreciated that news. The second doctor grabbed my hand and said they would never lie to me and then I laughed and said you can lie if you tell me I have follicles. I smiled as I remembered the report from the ultrasound that had been done almost one year from this day. “Right ovary is collapsed with a lesion and has no visible follicles”. Pretty amazing how things can change! The doctor told me that this was a good sign and to watch for fertile signals. I was so happy when they were taking my blood I didn’t care there was a needle in my arm. Blood could have been shooting everywhere and I wouldn’t have cared. I practically skipped out of that office and couldn’t wait to call my husband. We went from definitely doing IVF with donor eggs to that being an option in a matter of a few hours. I couldn’t believe I had gotten through an ultrasound without devastating news. I had gotten so used to getting bad news I wasn’t sure how to react at first. My husband was so happy that after we got off the phone he immediately called my mother in law who then called me. Everyone was so happy for me. I received so many phone calls, emails and Facebook posts showing support. I can’t tell you how much it all meant to me. It’s funny. As soon as I had accepted that I was going to have to use donor eggs and just let it go…hello follicles! I was looking through some paperwork last night trying to find my notes on fertile foods and other things I need to be doing and I found this quote from Randine Lewis author of “The Infertility Cure”.


“When we let go of our tight hold, and loosen up our grip on the outcome, (through adoption, through being told we’re helpless, too old, or whatever else ends the struggle), we can finally unclench; we can lift our hands and let go. Only then does the space open up for our reproductive energies to be receptive. Only then can Life say, O.K. now you’re ready!” So true, I was so stressed out and focused on trying to get my periods back that I had my body in knots. As soon as I said forget this, I am moving on with the next step and going to see the fertility specialist about getting donor eggs my body was like “wait what about me?” Today is such a great day for me. My husband and I have been messaging back and forth about how happy we are. Even though the follicles may not turn into a child, the fact that it could happen is an amazing feeling we didn’t think we were going to be able to feel. I am going to end today’s posting with a small thank you to my ovaries….Dear ovaries, thank you for deciding to attend the meeting yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised to see you filling your seat that has been empty in previous meetings. I hope that we can meet again more regularly and that you are able to recruit some “eggscelent” monthly candidates. Thank you so much for your hard work in the last week. I promise to keep my word on letting you retire in 10 years.
I hope everyone has an amazing day. Remember that miracles happen every day and that to appreciate all of the amazing people in your life. Yesterday taught me to remember both of these things. If you would like to better understand follicles in the ovaries, please follow this link and read on. It’s very informative and even has illustrations, thanks to answers.com for the great explanation. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://wpcontent.answers.com/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f1/Order_of_changes_in_ovary.svg/320px-Order_of_changes_in_ovary.svg.png&imgrefurl=http://www.answers.com/topic/folliculogenesis&usg=__qSn5nrPyWlf0VwEr2j37FyadpAk=&h=265&w=320&sz=44&hl=en&start=8&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=avVWkBkLAXUlGM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dillustration%2Bof%2Bfollicles%2Bin%2Bovaries%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26tbs%3Disch:1