My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

You are what you believe....

I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the gym this morning after what happened yesterday. Just thinking about that woman falling, blood spraying everywhere and the sight of her laying there convulsing with her eyes open just gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. My husband laughed when I told him that, he said “it’s not like she died”, but to me that incident just makes that place have bad vibes this morning…that and I just didn’t feel like running after not getting much sleep. My lack of sleep is for two reasons….1. The toilet in our master bathroom has something wrong with it and sounds like a dripping faucet. The sound of dripping toilet water was driving me crazy last night! I almost grabbed one of my husband’s baseball bats and went after the stupid toilet….but I decided to get up early instead. The other reason for my lack of sleep is my fault. I decided to call the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office yesterday since I hadn’t heard anything regarding my lab results. When I was transferred to a nurse, I decided that along with inquiring about my lab results, I would also ask if they could tell what stage of my monthly cycle I was in from my ultrasound. I should have just stuck with what the actual doctor told me because the nurse’s opinion was completely different…and not in a good way. First of all she kept saying that the doctor couldnt find my right ovary and it was left ovary that was blocked by my bowels. Second, she said that my ovary was listed as small in conclusion with my POF/POI diagnosis but the doctor had said my ovary was a normal size. Third, she said the lining of my uterus was way to thin for an embryo to attach so there is no way I could get pregnant but the doctor said I could most definitely get pregnant. The nurse answered every question except the first one I had asked which is “what stage of ovulation am I currently in.” Due to the fact that I haven’t had a period since November, the doctors don’t know what to think. I could be one of those people who don’t bleed at all because I don’t build up a lining in my uterus or I could be one of those people who bleed every couple of months. There is no way to know what stage of ovulation my body is in because I haven’t had a bleed in a few months. The nurse did however state that my follicles appeared large which is how they would look if I had just had a period. Here is my question though, how do they measure whether a follicle is considered large or small? Couldn’t it be different for each person’s ovaries? I didn’t ask the nurse this out loud, I just listened to what she had to say, told her I would stop taking the thyroid supplement (lab results confirmed that I don’t need them) and hung up. I am glad I called and spoke to the nurse though because that just proves to me that every doctor/nurse has their own opinions on the female reproductive system. Now more then ever, I feel that we control what our bodies can and can not do….not the doctors. I believe that the more negative information we hear about our bodies, the more we believe it and that is what causes our bodies to not perform basic essential tasks it should be able to. It’s just like anything else, if all you hear is negative information; you are eventually going to believe it. I was told this time last year that I had _NO eggs left and I would never have another period…well here we are one year later. I have had two periods and currently have follicles sitting in my ovaries. All I am saying is that doctors just don’t know what our bodies are capable of. The power of mind over matter can achieve so much more then modern medicine. If none of you have read “Inconceivable” you really need to. This book is about a woman trying to get pregnant, who is told it isn’t possible to have a natural pregnancy. She launches into self discovery mode, goes on an organic diet and starts doing yoga. She ends up having a perfectly healthy baby. In this book, they also discuss how there are women in Native American tribes who have perfectly healthy babies way past the age of 50. They state that this is because they are brought up to believe that their bodies are amazing and that they are for producing children. These women are not given any information on what their bodies can do only to a certain age so their bodies are able to produce babies with no problems. I guess the moral of my posting today is that we are all products of our environment. If you believe all the negative things you hear from your doctors about your health then I guess it is true but if you choose to accept only what you want to then you never know what could happen. This week I can actually feel my ovaries trying to work. I know this sounds strange but every time I press in the acupuncture seeds in my ear, I can feel my body trying to heal. Occasionally I get sharp pains in one of my ovaries and I have cramps and breast tenderness this morning which are both good signs! My temperatures have gone from being 97 one day to 98 the next to staying steady around 97. I am going to believe in my ovaries and the rest of my body, stay on my healthy diet, cut down to one soft drink a week…ok maybe two, and continue practicing my yoga and meditation. I know that things are going to continue to improve. I have failed my body in the past by not believing in it and for that I am sorry…Sorry ovaries! Well we are now on the same team so watch out! I called the fertility specialist’s office yesterday on my way home just to see if they might be able to extract my eggs…now that I have them….you know the ones they said I didn’t have (sorry I am feisty today). The nurse I spoke to said that if my FSH was below a certain level and I responded to the drugs they would give me before extracting my eggs, then they could definitely extract them. I have decided that this is going to be my goal. Believe in my body, get healthy enough to where the fertility specialist will offer to extract my eggs and then my husband and I can make that decision. Here is my opinion on the whole “egg extraction” thing. We can always extract eggs, have them frozen and then see if we can conceive on our own. If we don’t, then we will have our eggs to use for Plan B instead of using a complete strangers. I don’t think we will need it though, my body is ready to conceive on it’s own but it is never bad to have a plan b. If I don’t use the eggs, I will donate them to someone who does. I am ending this post with another letter to my ovaries. Dear ovaries, I can feel you trying to come back full time. I believe in you and the work you can do and hope that you continue to fight. I have seen your work in the past and know how excellent it can be. I know you are back! That ultrasound was amazing and it will keep me believing in you even if every doctor in the state tells me I shouldn’t. It’s just the five of us fighting this war (2 ovaries, 1 uterus, 1 brain and me) and we are going to win, I can feel it.

I want to say congrats to a great friend (let’s just call her “S”) who just found out she is pregnant. I am so happy for you guys! To the proud parents of baby Quinn, I hope you get to take your baby home soon! I have been thinking about you guys and cant wait to meet her! To my cousin, it’s almost over! Just a few more weeks and I promise you will have your gift by the end of the week! Remember everyone mind of matter!

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.