My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dec 7

Monday, December 7, 2009

The couple received their blood test results back and she has an FSH of 80. Her husband immediately wrote me and asked me what I thought. I told him to not loose hope. That the doctors told me my fsh would continue to go up and it went down by 20. I really feel for them and feel like I am helping someone else get through the hardest time of when you first get your diagnosis. My friend from high school I mentioned a few months ago emailed me last Thursday. She had heard from a mutual friend that I was having trouble getting pregnant and thought I might need someone to talk to. After going off the pill in June 2009, she has been diagnosed with an extreme case of PCOS and her husband also has fertility issues. Her doctors have suggested IUI or IVF. I have been writing her since last Thursday informing her of my diagnosis, books I think she should read and trying to convince her to try eastern medicine before paying for the IUI or IVF. She is really hurting right now. It seems to me that as I read more and more blogs or emails that so many young women are having fertility problems. Could it be our diets and lifestyle causing all of this? I have started incorporating some of the things that “making babies” suggested into my diet and lifestyle. I am eating ground flaxseed on my breakfast in the morning, taking a prenatal vitamin and doing meditation exercises. I am also going to start taking D-pinotol which is a supplement found to help people with PCOS to breakdown insulin. My acupuncturist is suggesting it and after some research I am going to try it.

Dec 1

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thanksgiving was good. I am either allergic or not allowed to eat 70% of the foods served in a traditional thanksgiving meal so for the first time ever…I didn’t over eat. I met my cousin who was in town from Illinois on black Friday to shop and spend some time together. She is pregnant and just found out she is having a boy. We spent a good part of the day in baby stores and to my surprise, I wasn’t sad at all. I had a blast finding little outfits for her. I think it’s because I know I will have my own children in my own time. I bought a few gifts and some stuff for me….ok more than a few things…I had a great time! I left feeling great and went home never once feeling sad. It seemed like I had some fertile CM so we took advantage of that, that night. My friend Marguerite who was the furthest along in her pregnancy had her baby on Sunday. She had lost her previous baby so I am just so excited for her. I am going to see her and baby Hudson this Saturday. I bought him a cute little reindeer outfit for his first Christmas. Yesterday while checking my fertility blog I noticed there was a new user. He had read everyone’s entries and explained that his wife had gone of birth control in June and not gotten a period. He wrote they were devastated and would appreciate any information they could get. He wrote back an hour later and asked if anyone was out there. My heart immediately sank. I felt for them and felt their devastation. I knew what it was like to get that diagnosis and was quite impressed that this man was trying to help his wife. I wrote him and explained I had gotten the same diagnosis in May. We have been trading emails back and forth ever since and he told me he believed I was a gift from God.

Nov 23

Monday, November 23, 2009

This Thursday is Thanksgiving. I so wish we were celebrating with our family knowing we had a child on the way. It was my goal to be pregnant by now and I just can’t believe not only that we aren’t pregnant but that some of my doctors believe I wont have kids. I am not sad about it and feel ok about seeing my cousin who is 3 months along on Friday. I just wish I had a crystal ball so I could know if all of this hard work is going to pay off.

Nov 19

Thursday, November 19th

I am feeling very anxious today. My ovaries still feel like they are screaming! I felt like this when I first started taking the progesterone in may and June. I logged onto one of my blog sites and there was a woman in her twenties who had been on the pill for 6 years. Stopped taking it in June, had two periods back to back and then nothing since. She too is trying to fix things with the natural approach. Her practitioner told her to take ground up flaxseed 15 days before the full moon and sesame seeds 15 days after the full moon. She said that the flaxseed helps restore progesterone which is what causes the post pill amenorrhea. I need to ask her if she has had a blood test done to check her FSH but she said she hasn’t gone to see an OBGYN yet I her post. I am going to try eating flaxseed but in her post she said you can’t cook it and you have to grind it yourself so it is fresh. I am not sure how you are supposed to take it then??? I am excited to check the mail after work today. I ordered a yoga for fertility dvd so I can practice at home and a book that my acupuncturist recommended “how to make babies”. Things at home are tough. My husband told me I haven’t been much fun to be around for awhile. I don’t know how to be the person I was before all of this started happening. I mean, considering the fact that four of the seven women that stood with me at my wedding are expecting….I think I am doing pretty damn good keeping it together. I have done nothing but try and heal my body for the past 7 months. I am emotionally and mentally exhausting and I don’t have much to give my husband right now. I really need to fix that. Before all of this I was carefree. I loved my job and my personal life. Now it seems like I struggle to stay awake through the day and I can’t be happy no matter what. I hate that feeling because I really want to be happy.
Weds., November 11th

I felt nauseous all morning and tried to ignore it but couldn’t help but wish it were happening because I am pregnant. I am pretty sure I didn’t ovulate when I was off the progesterone due to my numbers on my blood test and not getting a period…..but maybe I did ovulate late and am pregnant?? Here’s to wishful thinking huh? I will take a test tonight and even though I want it to be positive I know that it wont be. My body isn’t ready yet.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So….I have figured out how I can still have Starbucks. Since I have been a customer for three years at the location near my work they have agreed to make me my pumpkin spice latte with rice milk that I bring in. Now I can get the latte made with rice milk and decaf without whip cream. I know it doesn’t sound good but it still taste yummy. I also tried a fertility yoga class last Friday. The instructor was really great. She started off the class by telling us to let go of any negative feelings we had toward fertility and then went into an explanation on how Eastern Medicine doesn’t believe there is such a thing as infertility. That our bodies are made to have babies and we will have them when the time is right. I immediately knew that this class was going to be a good thing for me. I arrived first and the second to arrive was a woman named Emily. We started talking and sharing our stories. She was 40 and had just had a miscarriage. She was taking the class to get her body ready to try again. The other two attendees were late twenties early thirties trying to get their bodies ready to have a child. The instructor explained that allot of the poses that stimulate hormones required our legs to be open and that we needed to have an open mind and just flow with the class. She wasn’t kidding, I found myself in the most awkward poses…things I wasn’t sure I would even try with my husband. There I was with my legs open to the world…asking for the miracle of a child. Usually how that works anyway…requires your legs to be open. The instructor explained the breathing was such a huge part of the treatment and that we needed to choose a mantra to say to ourselves when we were breathing in and out. Breathing out was a way to get rid of the things/stress we didn’t want to hold onto anymore and breathing in was a way to give our body what we think it needs. I decided my breath in would be good fertility and my breathe out would be bad fertility/ovarian failure. At the end of the class, the instructor had us meditate and try and picture certain colors of light hitting us. Each color stood for something. The first was a white light that was for healing, the second was green for fertility and the third well I’m not sure what the third was because all I could see was blue. When the class was over I asked the instructor what blue was and she said that it was calming and that was fine if I was seeing that instead of what she was saying. I left that class feeling better and encouraged, I decided to go to the class once a week for the next two months and combine it with my acupuncture. I spent Saturday with my mother and best friend Christina. Christina is in the early stages of her pregnancy and was not feeling well the entire time. I couldn’t help but think how much I wished that I could be the one with morning sickness. I would have given anything to not be able to eat or smell things or feel like I was going to get sick every hour of every day. I know I am deranged huh? I kept repeating in my head the mantra my yoga instructor had told me to repeat while I was practicing my breathing… In good fertility and out ovarian failure/bad fertility. Every time I felt myself getting upset that day I just did my breathing mantra. I even did it this morning on my way to work because I woke up just feeling emotional and tired. The past two days I have some cramping in my lower abdomen on the left side close to where my ovaries are. I am wondering what is going on? I have had creamy CM since going back on progesterone but nothing clear. I pray that I ovulate this time and that my husband and I catch it at the right time. We are trying every other night for the next two months. I know I ovulated the last time while taking the progesterone….just hope I do it again.

I have been reading allot of medical website blogs about women who are in similar situations. Most are very encouraging but it still seems that we are diagnosed as infertile way to quickly. On one of the women had read my posts and responded to me. She was 35 and had been on the pill for 17 years. She hadn’t had a period for the first two months of being off the pill so she went in for a blood test and her FSH was around 113. She said she had normal periods before going on the pill and that she was really worried. I gave her a list of things she could immediately do to try and get her FSH down and suggested a few books for her to read. I do feel for her, I know how she feels.
Tuesday, November 3rd

Last week was a long one. We had an early blizzard in Colorado and we had a day and a half of snow days. I got to break out my long sweater, leggings and uggs. Snow bunnies of Denver watch out! On one of the snow days, I had lunch with a group of my friends one of which who is expecting her first child. As I sat there at lunch, I was surprised and relieved that I didn’t feel sad when I was talking to her about her pregnancy. It seems that the initial shock and pain of possibly not having children has passed…either that or I am in denial. It was so nice to sit there and not feel sorry for myself. I think that is mostly happening because I refuse to accept that I am not going to have kids. I still think that my body has to regulate itself after being on birth control for so long. Another reason last week seemed to drag on is that October 28th was supposed to be the day I started my period. After receiving word from my OBGYN that my progesterone levels were low, I wasn’t expecting a period but…. a girls gotta keep hoping. This would have been my first period without the progesterone so I am a bit disappointed but I am not giving up yet. My doctor called today to check in and make sure I am going to start taking the progesterone again. The plan is for me to start taking it again today and then go in on December 18th for another FSH test. Hopefully I will get an early Christmas present. I asked her about taking Clomid and she said at this point that is a very bad idea. She is very optimistic that my ovaries are coming back and doesn’t want to damage them with the Clomid. She also said that there is a chance I could get pregnant while taking progesterone so I am going to officially be on operation baby making. We will have to “try” every other day for the next two months and see if it works. No cheating on my dairy and wheat free diets and I will have to cut soy out again. Good bye starbucks hello crappy rice milk in grouse work coffee!!! I am also going to start taking healing yoga classes and go to acupuncture once a week again. I will get pregnant in the next three months!!! I am not giving up yet, I am so close I can feel it!!! My FSH wouldn’t have gone down if I weren’t getting better.

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.