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My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I Am Woman Hear Me ROAR!

I am officially changing myself for the better. I had two people tell me that they wished they could be as upbeat and positive as I am all the time. Not bad for someone who was once considered narcissistic and negative at one point in my life huh?? Ok fine, I’ll admit I am still extremely sarcastic at times but I don’t feel like I have this big black cloud hanging over me anymore. I find that I am able to better handle stress and bad news and feel really good and energetic throughout the day. I am also finding it easier to see my glass half full instead of half empty which I have always had a hard time doing. Why set yourself up for disappointment…is what I used to say but now I believe that seeing the glass half full is a much better way to live. Heck maybe I will picture my glass completely full of a yummy frozen strawberry margarita! I know I have already stated this and you are probably tired of reading it but I have made the decision to enjoy everyday of my life like it is the last one. You never know when your last day is going to be and I don’t want to be sitting up in heaven wishing I had enjoyed life down here more…and yes I believe I am going to heaven. There may be some people I have come across in my life that believe there is a special place in hell for me but I live my life as a good Christian and believe that is where I am going. There maybe a brief quiz at the pearly white gates but I will eventually get in. It was nice to see that the changes I have made to myself and my life are being noticed by others and not just by me. An hour after receiving the compliments, I was working away at my desk when my phone rang. I looked on the caller ID and it read CU Denver. I thought it might be a student looking for an internship so I answered in my most professional sounding voice. It was my OBGYN, Dr. Santorro (specializes in working with POF patients). She called in regards to my high FSH result I had received a few days before. She said she understood that I had gotten upset but that it wasn’t anything to be upset over. Patients with POF can have an extremely high FSH reading one day and a few days later it can be extremely low it just depends on what your ovaries are doing. She said it can be really difficult to test the FSH for POF patients and that I would be better off just listening to my body and watching for any changes and then whenever I think the time is right “jumping” on my husband is a good thing to do. In her experience, it seems that in POF patients the ovaries typically store up follicles for three months and after the third month will have a cycle (this was good news). Then she said something that I really need to remember….patients with POF have trouble not getting frustrated especially if they are compulsive at having control on things. You have to relax and keep doing things that are healthy for you to do. As I thanked her for calling and hung up the phone, I made myself another promise, I was going to stop trying to control everything in my life and relax….or at least try and relax. I don’t do that very well, never have. I come from a long line of high strung women on my mom’s side. My Dad is very laid back and occasionally I feel that coming out in me …but not very often. I need to explore that side of me more and learn to let “freakin” let go of things. The unexpected news from the doctor put my good mood into the almost annoying range but I didn’t care. I just worked away at my desk and when I got to the gym five hours later I skipped right in to the kickboxing class and got through it with no energy problems at all. It felt great to work out, I am going to try and do it more often while I am trying to get Aunt Flo to start visiting again. I have a lot of new goals right now so why not set another one….I would like to be back to the weight I was at when I received my diagnosis….that means I have ten pounds to loose. I stopped running when the doctors told me running was bad for fertility and grew in to then out of all of my fat day clothes. Sweatpants have become a big part of my weekend wardrobe and although it is comfy….it is not a sexy look for someone in their twenties. I am not going to obsess about my weight or try to loose it to fast. I would like to loose it by Christmas which gives me five months. My hope is that by Christmas, I will have seen more positive changes to my body and that I will have had one or two visits from Aunt Flo by then. I know it will take some time to heal my body but like I have said way to many times before…if people can cure their cancer, I can regain function of my reproductive system. I am changing my life one day at a time and for that I am grateful I am going through this time in my life. Because of the diagnosis, I will live the rest of my life must more aware and healthy then I would have if I hadn’t gone through this. I have helped other women going through something similar, have helped people to make better decisions on nutrition and have learned to appreciate how much better a glass half full looks then one that is half empty. I am a new woman or maybe I have finally become a woman?? Anyway hear me ROAR!

All the Time in the World

The rest of the evening was surprisingly peaceful. I went to see Cheri (Mrs. W) against the advice of Ann (the kinisiologist). I wanted to go and talk to her and get her opinion on what she thought was going on with my body. When I arrived at her office, she was taking another patient back for a colonic so she suggested I do a long session on the Mignun bed and then we could talk when she was done. As I laid down, my eyes were filled up with tears as I tried to hold them back. I had already had one emotional outburst earlier that day when the nurse told me my results. Wanting to avoid having to apologize to a second person for my out of control emotions, I pushed back the tears and laid down. I was glad I was able to lay on the message bed for so long. I completely relaxed and fell asleep for brief moments. When it was time for us to talk, I felt much better and emotionally stable. We talked about my results from the kinisiologist reading and what Cheri thought of them and how I felt about them. We also talked about my recent test results. Cheri explained that when a person starts cleansing (whether it be through meditating, kinesiology, colonics, yoga, acupuncture or change in diet) the body has to be worse before it can get better. When you start doing any of these things, you have to “stir up the bad stuff” in order to get it up and out. This is why, she thinks, I had a higher FSH result then I had last time. Since the last blood test, I started the diet change and all of the cleansing and had a kinesiology reading only two days before the blood draw. What Cheri was saying made sense to me. Like cleaning for example, you know how when you first start organizing a room it can look worse then when you started? But as you put things away and organize slowly but surely the room gets cleaned? That is kind of what I am doing right now, slowly re-organizing and restoring order to my “messy room” otherwise known as my body. Cheri also explained that although you should listen to your doctors and get results of tests, they shouldn’t be the end all be all. We all have the ability to listen to our bodies. Cravings, dreams and aches and pains are all examples of ways our bodies talk to us. She said that if I didn’t want to take a test, then I shouldn’t take it. The human mind (subconscious) is a strong thing. We talked about this in great detail as I explained my regrets on going to the doctor when I first went off the pill and taking a blood test. I told her that I believed that once they told me I had “premature ovarian failure and that I wouldn’t have kids with my eggs” that it had been engraved into my brain and that until recently I wasn’t sure how to get it out. It wasn’t until yesterday when I finally got angry that I truly felt inside and out that my diagnosis was incorrect and that what is going on was caused by my taking birth control for over 10 years and my celiacs (genetic or not). I decided right then and there that the appointment with the fertility specialist on August 6th was going to be cancelled. My husband and I were not ready for the next step anyway. He is still against using a strangers eggs and I believe that if we wait for my body to repair itself, we will have plenty of eggs. Heck, maybe I will donate eggs after going through this whole ordeal? I need to get healthy and both my husband and I need to be in a better place financially. Next, Cheri and I discussed that as our bodies start to shut down, they do so in stages. First, it shuts down systems that are not essential for survival. One of those is the reproductive system. Although they are nice to have, functioning ovaries are not essential to live and breathe every day so that is why my reproductive system shut down instead of say my digestive system. Then we discussed how in Cheri’s experience (30 plus years), it typically takes about a year to reverse most damage made to the body unless you are working with cancer or another extremely serious illness and then it typically takes about 2 years. She promised me that I wouldn’t regret sticking with the cleansing and diet changes and we discussed me only coming once a week since I felt twice a week was too much and how important meditation and breathing were. Cheri explained how she handles stress in her every day life. For example, yesterday morning she was presented with an unexpected bill, as she got in her car she felt her body tense up and her heart race, she took a deep breath and said to herself that she was ready and accepted whatever came her way to help her pay the bill. A few hours later, she received a call from a new client which would help pay that bill. As I listened to her explain how she deals with stress, I thought about how I truly believe that if you accept things the way they are and believe things will work out, they will. I believe that if you play the victim all the time and are always expecting the worst, then the worst will come find you. Havent you ever noticed that bad things always seem to happen over and over again to the same people? There is a reason for that? If all you see is negative, how is a positive going to be noticed? During our conversation, I realized that I wasn’t sure why I wanted to have children right now, so badly. I think it is really something I was thinking about when I went off the pill and when the doctors told me it was something I couldn’t do and what seems like all of my loved ones started getting pregnant, it went from something that I was thinking about doing to something I just had to do. Like when you are on a diet and trying not to eat sweets. You go for a few days of avoiding all tasty treats and then one morning you wake up laying next to an empty ice cream carton and spoon. As soon as someone tells us we can’t do something, it’s like our subconscious immediately just has to do it. Yes, I am a woman and most of us have this motherly instinct and yes it’s something I would like to eventually do in my life but now that I think about it, it’s not something I honestly want to do right this second. My husband and I are not truly ready to be parents right now. I have quite a bit of debt (from my failed shopping therapy) and we are currently living with my in-laws until we decide what city we want to live in. So with not much money, no house and an un-healthy reproductive system, I can see why the universe wouldn’t want to align the stars (so to speak) for us right now. True, many babies have been born into way worse conditions but I like to think someone up there knows what’s best for me and now is not the time. My husband is almost three years younger then me and yesterday was only our two year wedding anniversary, so we have time. As my discussion with Cheri came to an end, I decided that for now, I no longer cared about getting pregnant. My main focus was going to be to restore my reproductive system and have periods every month. Once I got to that point, then maybe I would think about having children. So to all my organs I cursed yesterday, I do need you but I understand you need me too. Let’s just put yesterday behind us, I am very sorry and I know you are doing the best you can with what you have. My husband didn’t utter one word about my bad test result last night which I was grateful for but I know he is upset. His mother waited for him to go to bed and told me that he was really upset but felt like things were going to be ok. Before she went up to her bedroom, she patted me on the shoulder and for the first time in a long time, I realized that I actually believed it was all going to work out. I will heal my body, restore my reproductive system and become a monthly buyer of Playtex products. People have healed there bodies and brought them back from much worse, it is just going to take more then three months to reverse over 10 years of damage. So “patience young skywalker” and “may the force be with you”. Take a deep breath and relax, I have all the time in the world so I need to enjoy it and stop focusing on something I’m not even ready for right now.

To Option Number 2 Please….and Step On It!

I just got the results and I am sad to report that I am sitting here crying in my office again!!! Deva vu to last May when I received the news that changed my world as I knew it. My FSH went back up from 43 to an 87! WTF???? I have been doing all the right things. Keeping a good attitude, drinking wheatgrass everyday, juicing every morning, working out. This is not fair! The frustrating thing is that I know my body has been healing and been trying to ovulate. Even as I write this, I have a strange cramp in my lower abdomen?? It’s just that I don’t know what is the correct date to draw blood for the FSH test since I don’t have a period or a normal cycle. If I don’t know what is the best date to test, I will never get a low enough test result for any fertility specialist to let me use my eggs in an IVF procedure or harvest them. My number results are all over the place because my body has been doing different things at each time blood has been drawn. The average woman’s FSH fluctuates up and down on a daily basis depending where they are in their cycle. I am not letting this get me down (at least after I finish this crying spell). It is simply one blood test result out of the hundreds I will get over my lifetime. After I get this cry out of my system, I will not get upset about it again. I will not play the victim, victim’s are the ones who accept a bad diagnosis or a bad test result and let it run their lives. I will just re-read “Making a baby” and start eating every food the book mentions to help with fertility. I will start doing things like drinking and running that I want to do and live my life like I want just with a few dietary changes. If a baby is meant to be in my life, it will come. I will start having an occasional drink with the hubby, eating chips with my salsa (as long as they are gluten free) and running in the afternoon. These are just a few off the huge list of things I have given up on my quest to have a baby. It’s gotten to the point now that I am taking the same approach I used to use when deciding on whether or not to stay in a relationship (when I was single). Either this person wants me the way I am, as me or they should go find someone else. So either my future child wants to grow inside of me and have me as their mother the way I am or they don’t. An occasional drink here and there, snack full of carbs or a little cardio is going to affect that decision then I don’t want to be a mother. I deserve to enjoy life a little, you only live once and for the past year and a half I have lived my one life to live in a glass box watching everyone around me enjoy themselves. Either the stars will align and my fertility will improve or it won’t. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; I am officially pissed off and tired of this crap. If my ovaries want to keep taking monthly siesta’s fine! Mother nature or Aunt flow whichever you prefer to be called….if you don’t want to come visit then fine. You tend to be a messy house guest so at least I wont have to clean up after you. As for my brain, if you would stop thinking about crap that doesn’t matter (like how to get back at the person that just cut us off) and concentrate on the functions you are supposed to be taking care of maybe things would be different. We have a serious focus issue. Even as I am trying to write this, all I can think about is how good the dried cranberries in my salad look. How can I expect you to focus if I can’t do it and I am the one controlling you??? The point is, this girl, excuse me, woman is tired of this whole thing. It’s been a year and a half and today’s results put the “D” in DONE. I am done waiting for my body to work. FSH, I will be walking into the fertility specialist’s office two weeks from now and telling them to give me the drugs to lower you. You refuse to do it yourself so now I am going to force you. Then ovaries, I will be using someone elses eggs to try and get pregnant. You officially have no purpose so go ahead and continue sleeping….it’s not like I have any use for you anyway, you have been replaced. That’s right, I am ready for donor eggs so am officially exploring the second option….now I just need to convince the hubby. I am also going to get re-tested for Celiacs. I have been thinking that maybe there is some truth to what the kinesiologist said last week. Perhaps I am not allergic to Gluten and have taken it out of my diet when I shouldn’t have thus starving my body of some important nutrients. If not, then I guess I will continue to eat gluten free. I really need to jog right now..why can’t it be 3:30 PM so I can get out of here?

Two Years and a Much Better Person

At this exact time and date two years ago, I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. Today is my two year wedding anniversary, time flies when you are trying to heal your body right? My husband and I have come a long way since then. We thought we knew everything about each other but as most of you who are married know….we thought wrong. For whatever reason, marriage seems to complicate things. It takes two people who are in love with no issues and turns them into two strangers wearing matching wedding bands. I thought I knew my husband before we were married but it has honestly taken the past two years for us to really to know each other and find our “niche” if you will. In a way, I am grateful we didn’t get pregnant when we started trying. We weren’t ready then. We had so much growing we needed to do as a couple and I had some growing to do as an individual. I never fully appreciated anything I had in life be it my health, family, friends and material possessions. I took advantage of my monthly gift, my job, my husband and so on and so on. I just expected my body to carry out the necessary functions of life, never giving anything back to it but a ton of Diet Dr. Pepper and cheese. I deserve what I got, I took a pill that suppressed my reproductive system to make things easy on me. I don’t blame my body for wanting to show me what I didn’t appreciate. This whole experience has taught me to love and appreciate everything more….not just my body. The message at church yesterday in summary was that as Christians, we need to treat everyone with the same kindness and not turn our backs on others, especially loved ones, simply because we don’t want to deal with the inconvenience. By taking the pill, I was avoiding the inconvenience of having a period every month (on months where I took the pill straight through…couldn’t have a visit from aunt flow on my wedding day) or worrying about alternative methods of birth control. I simply turned my back on my reproductive system and for that I have paid a hefty price. I know that when I get my results back today that it will be a sign that my body is finally forgiving me and that mother nature is ready to start her monthly visits with me again. I understand it will be a probationary “period” the first 6 months to make sure I continue with my end of the deal. I promise to have chocolate and a heating pad waiting each month for mother nature’s arrival and also swear that I will never complain about it even if they last two weeks at a time! I was at a party for a dear friend this past weekend. As I was standing in the kitchen watching everyone at the party I noticed that with the exception of one younger woman who was single, I was the only woman within child bearing age (out of 12) that didn’t have a child. My mother who was standing next to me, must have been meeting up with my brain waves because she just grabbed my arm and said “don’t worry it will happen for you”. I just looked at her and said “I will not be the 1%, I refuse”. For those of you just joining this blog, 1% is the percentage of women with unexplained fertility in the United States. I choose to be in the 99% that do get pregnant and have healthy reproductive systems. My diagnosis is simply that just words typed onto a piece of paper and put in a file that has probably collected lots of dust by now being that it has been a year and a half since my last appointment with the fertility specialist. I will not accept my diagnosis, it isn’t true. I have long lasting side effects from taking the pill and in a few months, things will be just as they should be. As I sit here and wait for the doctor’s office to call, I feel grateful for the opportunity to learn everything I’ve learned about nutrition and alternative medicine. I feel lucky to have been connected with such great people online and read so many amazing stories about amazing women who have also chosen to ignore their own medical diagnosis and proven doctors wrong. Wish me luck, only a few hours until the moment of truth. Mother nature I am ready for your next visit and doctors office I am ready for the best news I have gotten in a awhile. No time for a case of the Mondays, to much to think about already!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Signs They Are Everywhere!

The appointment with the Kinesiologist was very…. interesting but the results were better then I could have expected. I arrived at the home where I would be receiving a treatment and halfway ran in because I was so anxious for the appointment to start. Ann, answered the door, introduced herself and led me to a waiting room so that she could finish up on a patient. As I sat there, I listened to the thunder outside and wondered if the thunder or rain storm moving in meant anything. Was I about to cleanse myself and the storm was a sign? I know I am a huge dork for even thinking like this and an even bigger one for sharing this thought but I have really started to believe in signs. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and even halfway believe that the first blizzard Denver had in 2006 was God allowing a bunch of people to meet (like my husband and I) and a bunch of people to pro-create. His way of killing thousands of birds with one snowy stone. It seems to perfect that I would walk into a bar that I wouldn’t have ever gone in prior to the blizzard and meet my now husband of two years. I had sworn off men after three mini relationships so mini that they barely existed and wasn’t the least bit interested in dating anyone. My roommate had become friends with our neighbors so when the snow started to fall, they came over and asked if we wanted to walk over to the bar in the parking lot of our apartment complex. Seeing the confused look on our faces he immediately explained that the owners had recently converted the old gay bar into a heterosexual bar and we agreed we would go…for a bit. My husband’s roommate was friends with my neighbors and he had a big truck so they were able to drive over to the complex after receiving the invite. The two of them met us at the bar so I didn’t even know they were coming until I turned around after ordering a drink at the bar and ran smack into him. He is very tall and muscular so I just kind of bounced off of him and then I said “you are really tall.”….thank you captain obvious. That isn’t what he said to me but since getting to know each other he has told me he really doesn’t know what to say when people say that to him…um thanks…you are really short. We hit it off immediately and after a few days of playing hard to get we gave in and he attended a friends wedding with me where we had our first kiss and we have been together ever since. Growing up, you are always told that if it a relationship was meant to be that things wouldn’t be so difficult, that when it’s meant to be things just mesh and you don’t even have to think about it. I always rolled my eyes when my mom told me that but guess what…she was right. I didn’t have to wonder if he was going to call or if something I might say might scare him away everything clicked and it was perfect. Looking back on those times almost 4 years ago I am jealous of my old self. I was young, confident and so happy with no troubles in sight. I had what I thought were my periods, size 2 jeans and a great apartment downtown. Oh how I wish I would have enjoyed that time more and not taken it for granted. Don’t get me wrong, I am still confident but those size 2 jeans have gone up a few sizes, my periods have taken a siesta and I know live much further away from downtown. Anyway, I wonder if the approaching rainstorm rumbling in as I entered the kinesiologist’s home was sign of things changing just like the blizzard in 2006 had been all those years ago.

As the session started, Ann went through her background and explained why she does applied kinesiology for a living and that she has done it for over 30 years. Her story is very crazy. She has been through a lot but it all taught her that the human mind controls a lot more then most people think. We then briefly went over my history (family and health) and then she had me lay on a coach and took my left arm and laid it across the arm of the couch. Then she took my hand and we started the treatment. Let me start out by saying that I didn’t give her much detail into my history and what she found out during the treatment was dead on. She took my hand and felt around my hand and my wrist as she read the currents in my body. As she read, I listened and wondered what it all meant. Luckily, she wrote down the results. Occasionally she would feel a negative charge and stop and ask me why I had them on the subjects she was researching. One of them was my mother another was the word pregnant. It was determined in my session that I was carrying around a lot of trapped emotions for my mother. Not towards my mother for my mother. It seems that while my mother was pregnant with me, she was carrying a lot of guilt and depression. That would make sense, her father died less then a year before I was born and right before she became pregnant with me, her and my dad moved from St. Louis (where my mom’s entire family lived and still lives…including my newly widowed grandmother) to Louisiana for my Dad’s job. My mom has told me countless number of times how sad she was before she decided to suck it up and start enjoying her life since she couldn’t change where she lived…at least at that moment. The session also brought up that I had trauma in the womb. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and I was struggling. My mother subconsciously knew I was in danger and her body went into labor….3 weeks early, well actually it was 4 weeks early. Ann said my mom’s doctors said it was 3 weeks but that it was really 4 weeks. As my mom was giving birth, her body was freaking out because it was worried about me. My mom’s blood pressure rose so high that she was on the brink of having a heart attack. I was born with jaundice which has to do with the liver. The liver is connected to emotions specifically sadness….hmm I see a connection there don’t you? Ann, said that the sad feelings my mom had while pregnant and the traumatic birth have caused both my mother and I to bottle up emotions from these events without even knowing it. Even though I hadn’t been born yet, I was aware of my mother’s feelings while pregnant because we were connected. As an adult, I have been subconsciously worried that I will feel the sadness she felt while pregnant if I were to get pregnant and that my child and I would experience a traumatic birth if I were to have a child. Ann also said that my mother also subconsciously didn’t want me to get pregnant because she is afraid for the child’s life. I was shocked at this result, my mother had never expressed feeling like this to me but after speaking with my mother after leaving the appointment….Ann was dead on. My mother has a fear of the baby not making it the complete 9 months and doesn’t want my child to have the same problems I had when I was born….this was amazing to me. Moving on, Ann picked up that I had some kind of fungus growing in me in the womb and after I was born and that my mother had the same fungus. She said the fungus grew into candida and caused food allergies in both my mother and I. My mother picked up the fungus in St. Louis before she moved and it was given to me in the womb. Can you say the beginning of our Celiacs? After working on me a bit more, Ann then went on to say that it seems like I had a very small amount of the fungus left inside my body and asked if I had recently done any cleansing or changed my diet. Well those of you who have been reading know that I have done both. She then went and tested every organ until it was determined that the remaining fungus was hiding in my tailbone..of all places. That was the last place I would have looked! She explained that we would release the reminance of the fungus during our cranial session. Ann then went on to discuss pregnancy and my diagnosis. She asked me if I believed my diagnosis was accurate and I said no. She said there was no negative charge so that was true, she then stopped and asked me what I thought the problem was and that I knew what it was. I said it was my birth control pills and again there was no negative charge. She asked if I believed I was going to get pregnant on my own and there was no negative charge. As I was explaining my feelings I said the word pregnant on my own and she felt a negative charge. We talked about why I had bad feelings toward the word and she explained that my body believed I could get pregnant on my own so I needed to as well. I also needed to let go of the trauma that occurred during my birth. Next we went through and tested my hormones which seemed almost perfect and Ann told me to stop taking the supplements I had recently started taking because they weren’t needed (my milk thistle I had started only three weeks before). She then told me not to worry about lab results I would be getting soon that the results would be very close to 0% (my FSH test being taken today). After she was done working on me she had me lay on a table so she could release the negative emotions from my spine. I know right about now you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is a bunch of psychic crapola. She put her hands on the back of my head where my spine meets my skull and explained that she was going to be releasing spinal fluid that is trapped and that is how the left over fungus and bottled up emotions would be released. As she pressed in, I felt a pain move from the back of my head to the front of my head and closed my eyes and relaxed for a minute. Ann kept repeating that I needed to let go of the emotions having to do with my mother and forget the diagnosis that it was wrong. After about 15 minutes the treatment was done. Ann scheduled a call for us the second week in August for a follow up. She said she wanted to hear about my periods and my test results and that everything was going to be fine. She had been doing this for over 30 years and to trust her. Then we went over the notes from the testing and she wrote out a few things for me to be sure and tell my mother one of which was that she had saved my life and that she was still carrying the fungus that caused my celiacs. I left feeling better and trying to picture the emotions releasing…yes I am aware that I sound like a crazy person. I talked to my mom on the way home and she confirmed most of what Ann had read from me about her pregnancy with me and her feelings towards me getting pregnant. The longer I spoke with my mom, the better I felt about what Ann had said. I went to sleep that night believing that everything was going to be fine and I still do.
Now I know this is completely ridiculous but I woke up that next day fully expecting to start the period from hell. The emotions had all been released so bring on the flood. That is so not fair to expect such instant gratification but what can I say, a year and a half of waiting has made me impatient, haven’t I been patient enough. Instead of a period, I had the headache from hell that seemed to reach from the back of my head to my forehead and it lasted all day. It was a good thing I had a company golf tournament and didn’t have to sit at a desk with the headache but I am horrible at golf and was more entertainment for my group then a group member. I swung and missed so many times, if it were baseball I would have done great but unfortunately the golf ball can sit as high as the baseball when you hit it. As the day passed and I didn’t feel or see any sign of a period I got more and more upset. By the time I met my husband at the gym, I was just about breakdown ready. He immediately read that in my face and asked if we were fighting and I just told him that I was upset and that it was stupid for me to be upset. He replied with “well your hormones seem to be all over the place so maybe its not that stupid”. He was right, I was on the verge of tears and had been emotional all day. Perhaps a period was about to appear in the next few days? Satisfied with that, I worked out and snapped out of my mood. I made dinner and we were relaxing on the couch when the phone started to ring and ring and ring. It was my husband’s aunt calling to inform the family that my husband’s great uncle had passed away. His wife had passed away just a few years before and he had not been well since. He passed away at the age of 60 which is not very old. It got me thinking about all of the people that have passed away so closely to their significant other passing away. They are so linked that they can’t survive without one another. This made what Ann said about my mother and I so much more believable. If people not even from the same blood line can be so connected that they physically cannot live without one another then most I could most definitely have a connection to my mother from the womb. As I got ready to go to sleep, I repeated all of the issues Ann had released from my body and begged my body to release them and move on. I also repeated 0% FSH a few times….figured it wouldn’t hurt. I woke up in an instant to my husband’s alarm clock and immediately yelled “Crap!” My alarm hadn’t gone off at 4:30 which meant that I was waking up an hour late and had to get ready in 30 minutes! I managed to get ready and tried not to stress since I was having blood drawn for an FSH test at 11:00. Work went by quickly and I didn’t even have time to think about the blood test. As I drove to the doctor’s office I thought about some true stories my mother and sister in law had shared with me the day before. The stories involved women who had received negative home pregnancy test results but were actually pregnant. One even carrying the baby 7 months before finding out. I decided I would ask for an additional blood test to see if I was pregnant. Wouldn’t that be great if I was pregnant and didn’t know it?

Turns out, a blood pregnancy test detects the same thing that a home pregnancy test does, HCG, so they didn’t take blood for that but they did run one vile for an FSH test which I will get back next Monday. I know it will be good…just don’t know how good it will be. I hope it’s as close to zero it can be without it being to low!

I'll See the Witch Doctor and She'll Tell Me What to Do

It is Monday, boo, and I am sitting at my desk watching the clock for 9:00 AM to hit so I can call and schedule my appointment with the kinesiologist. I understand that my work hours start a wee bit earlier then most people’s so I am trying not to piss off the doc before I even get to see her. To pass the time this morning, I thought I would do a bit of research of kinesiology and fertility. I found a bunch of encouraging case studies and articles. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have read so many stories about people who have had cancer and chemotherapy that were told they wouldn’t have children and they did. I still maintain that if someone who has had chemotherapy and a disease like cancer can have children then so can I. I truly believe that this “witch doctor” could be the missing link. Here is some of the information I found on kinesiology and fertility.http://www.hk4health.co.uk/menopause.htm “During the 40 odd years between puberty and post-menopause, a woman experiences many life changes and physical body changes. The reproductive system is involved in many of these, often giving rise to symptoms ranging from irregular periods, difficulty conceiving and endometriosis to severe menopausal symptoms, such as hot flushes, mood swings and low self-esteem. Health Kinesiology has helped many people overcome such imbalances. One client's periods had stopped after receiving chemotherapy treatment. She was suffering from hot flushes and was feeling bloated and generally out of kilter. Blood tests confirmed that she was in the early stages of the menopause due to the chemotherapy and she was informed that it was likely that in four years she would be infertile. Reluctantly she followed medical advice and commenced HRT. She visited a Health Kinesiology practitioner on the advice of a friend and went with an open mind. Even during her first session the client began to feel less bloated and her pelvic area began to feel 'normal'. She had 2 further Health Kinesiology sessions, plus she implemented some minor dietary changes and replaced the HRT with a natural herbal remedy. Her periods soon returned and were regular and a further blood test surprised her GP when it showed that her hormone levels were back to normal. By the end of that year she was pregnant and gave birth to a healthy 8lb 2oz baby girl!” This was very encouraging because this woman’s periods had stopped just like mine have stopped. Next I went to http://www.fertileground.com.au/kinesiology.htm “Kinesiology is an energetic model of healing which merges gentle chiropractic muscle monitoring techniques with the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine, counselling, nutrition and energetic science. Kinesiology uses these techniques to assess stress in the body’s nervous, digestive, muscular, reproductive, endocrine and immune systems and determine the underlying cause of this stress. Kinesiology resolves blockages in the body leading to improvement of one’s wellbeing and vitality. How does it work? Energetic imbalances affect people in different ways, so every kinesiology session is tailored specifically to the individual. It is a personal approach that brings understanding and awareness of the root of your condition and uses gentle corrective techniques to reprogram the body and its response to stress and emotions. This enables the client to overcome obstacles and achieve deep and lasting results. How many sessions will I need? If you have been living with a longstanding condition or series of symptoms then it is likely that it may take some time to work through. It is, however, not uncommon for people to experience immediate changes. In normal clinical situations, an issue can require between two to six sessions for the client to feel the benefits of their treatment.” These two sites convinced me I should go with my gut feeling and make an appointment. Come on 9:00, it’s taking you forever to get here!
I did it! I left the message. Then I had to wait until I received a call back at 6:30 PM. During my waiting time, I went to see Mrs. W and we did a very powerful cleaning complete with the Minun Bed, Ionic Foot bath (where I put the tools over my ovaries) and a colonic. We also talked a bit about my expectations. Mrs. W said she believed that my body would eventually be back to its natural working order but I had over 20 years of eating flour and damaging my body….and that cant be fixed in a year. She said to keep doing the things I have been doing and thinking positively and things were bound to heal completely. I left with what felt like menstrual symptoms and feeling much better about things. I felt even better when the kinesiologist, Ann, called back. She had an opening this Weds. at 2:00 PM. I would have to leave early and cancel my acupuncture appointment, but after our conversation, I was convinced that this was the appointment I had been waiting for a really long time. Ann and I went over what had happened since my diagnosis. My family history and what my every day life looked like. She stated that 80% of the people that come to her, come see her because they have simply tried everything else. She also said that most of their issues stemmed from emotional issues stored deep inside the body and that one of the things she does is to help release those emotions. She said that everything I had been doing seemed to be working but that my body can’t completely restore function because I probably have emotional issues. Weird, another person telling me I have issues. Add it to the list of reasons why I wonder everyday why my husband puts up with me. Seriously, I would run far and fast from any man that had as many issues that I have. Ann said it can take up to three treatments for some people but that some only need one or two. I am excited and feel that this is my missing link.
I have to tell you one of the things that have been causing un-needed stress in my life. A few years ago, I received a letter in the mail from my mortgage company stating that they believed my confidential information had been leaked. Almost immediately, I started receiving letters in the mail thanking me for applying for credit cards to old navy and dell. Loan application responses for mortocycles and cars. Some one had stolen my identity so I had to clean it up. I purchased a great product that forces any company that has received an inquiry or request involving my social security number to call me and verify that I did in fact request the item to be purchased or that I did apply for that credit card. A few weeks after purchasing this product, I received a call from Verizon wireless stating that they had someone on the phone trying to re-activate the phone I had just cancelled and they asked if I would like to speak with them. I glanced over at my husband who by now was wondering who the heck I was talking to and replied “yes, please put them through but please record this for police records”. For the next five minutes I talked to the person who had gotten an id, charged over $5,000 on credit cards and purchased a computer all in my name and social security number. I asked her questions that I thought would prove she wasn’t who she claimed she was and then after about five minutes she got mad and hung up. After that call, there had been no more problems with this person…..until a few days ago. On Monday, I was sitting at my desk working away when I received a call from AT&T stating that they were required to call and verify I had requested a new account and phone. I sighed and stated that “no” I hadn’t requested that and that it was fraud. I then asked what state the request had come from and it was California, just as before. I giggled to myself that I had stopped this annoying woman from doing this to me again. There are all kinds of fraud rings like the one that happened with my mortgage companies. Groups of people pay employees to give them social security numbers and then one person uses them for awhile and then when they are done with them hand them to someone else or they keep them and wait a few years before using them again and just when the victim has taken their guard down….more fraudulent charges come their way. I don’t know how these types of people sleep at night knowing that they are trashing someone elses identity just so they can have material things!! There is a special place in hell for these people I guarantee you that. Anyway, I purposely left the watch on my credit and I am glad I did. Suckers! I recommend that everyone get some kind of credit watch even if you haven’t had any issues. Believe me, it’s worth the $5.00 a month to have piece of mind.

Today is Weds., and I woke up to cramps and another negative pregnancy test. One day I will get a positive result and I will sit there on the toilet in shock. I got to see Ann, the kinesiologist today and I can’t wait!! I have a feeling this is it. My only fear is that I have so many deep rooted emotional issues that she will turn me down from treatment.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Witch doctor? Or the missing link?

Today was a very nice day. I got up, went to church and then spent the rest of the day visiting with family and friends and holding their newborn babies. While visiting my cousin, I found out that her friend that was with us has just found out she is expecting. Although I silenty thought why is this so easy for everyone else? I also was very happy for her and didnt get sad at all. I walked through baby stores with both of them, picked out outfits and waiting  for the sadness to set in...it never did. As I drove home I was happy that I had gotten to visit with them. I went to dinner with my husband and then drove to one of my very best friends house to catch up with her and see her baby for the first time in four weeks. He has gotten so bed and my friend is such a great mom.  We chatted for three hours and then I headed home.  I am glad I am at a point where I can enjoy these moments again and feel genuinely happy for all of my family members and friends as they become mothers.  I would be sad for myself if I had to miss those types of moments. On my way home, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned the "witch" doctor coming into the bank she works at. This doctor was the kinesiologist I was suppossed to go see a few months ago but cancelled the appointment.  They talked a bit about my fertility issues and the doctor offered a free consultation for me to come see her and see if she could help me. She told my mom she believed something was blocking my reproductive system.  Since ending my conversation with my mother, I have been thinking about this....I am going to call and schedule a second appointment and keep it. This doctor is moving to Texas in two months so this is my chance. I believe everything happens for a reason and the fact that she went to my mom's bank, got my mom as a teller and remembered my case might mean that she could be my missing link???  I am going to call first thing tomorrow morning.  This week is going to be very busy for me. I have class Mon-Weds for work, a golf tornament on Thurs and an FSH blood test on Friday. I will go see Mrs. W on Monday and Thursday afternoons and have an appointment for accupuncture on Weds. I will also be going every morning and doing an extra FSH shot this week. I know my FSH has gone down but I am curious to see by how much??  Friday can't get here fast enough!

Mother Nature are you there?

Back to life, back to reality…yes I am humming the tune to myself as I sit here at work. Today is Thursday and you know what that means. Probably not only I am obsessed with Thursdays. No it’s not only because it means I only have one day left until the weekend, it is because Thursday is testing day. Every Thursday morning I take a pregnancy test.  I have had some weird cramping and have been more tired then usual so I was hopeful of a different result this morning but I am sad to report that there wasn’t a plus sign staring back at me once I finally got up the nerve to look at the results.  I guess I will just have to leave it the fertility specialist to help us get pregnant. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still terrified to go back into that office even thought its been over a year since my husband and I were last there. Our insurance company will only pay for one round of IVF with donor eggs and two rounds of IUI/IVF with my eggs. The problem is that I have to get my FSH down to 12 or below for them to let me use my eggs which means that I am going to be in fertility boot camp for the next three weeks until our appointment with the specialist on August 6th.  My next blood test is next Friday.  I have been working on my meditation exercises and getting that wheatgrass in everyday. The meditation exercise is picturing my brain sending FSH to my ovaries and then my ovaries responding and sending a message back to my brain. This is what causes FSH to stop being produced and in turn lowers the number.  My last ultrasound displayed that there are eggs in my ovaries so that means my ovaries should have no trouble responding to the FSH and start maturing an egg when they receive the signal from my brain right?? Mr. and Mrs. Ovary lets go. It is important you not ignore Mr. Brain. Yes he is a little above you and have been trying to over work you but it’s not his fault. He lives so far away, he can’t see you working so he just keeps trying to get a hold of you. Please try really hard to respond more quickly to Mr. Brain and let him know you are on top of things down there. Ok..enough talking to my organs.  I am pretty confident that my FSH will be around 15-20 next Friday when they take the test.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and along with the milk thistle for my liver, I think I am going to start taking a natural thyroid supplement and also look up ways to naturally stimulate the pituitary gland. The liver, thyroid and pituitary gland all help to make ovulation possible so I am going to give it a go. I am really scared for the appointment to come in August. I had so hoped that I would have had another period by then.  I have been doing just about everything I can think of to get better and although I have seen improvements, still no sign of mother nature with the return of my monthly gift.  Please mother nature, I like gifts, pick me please!

A Surprising Test Result...and a new supplement (not pregnant)l

One month and two more negative pregnancy tests later I am very frustrated. I have felt my body healing and getting better and thought for sure that I would be pregnant by now but I’m not and it has got me a bit down at the moment. No worries though, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….I should have the strength of Hulk Holgan by now. I have been sticking to my diet, doing the deep breathing exercises and have had about four days of nothing but fun family time with my husband. I feel happy but still feel like there is something missing. I know I have to stay strong and keep positive.


The doctors said it is only a matter of time until I get pregnant so I need to enjoy my life and be happy and then it will happen. Mid May, my company had a health fair where they offered free blood tests. Me being the newly found health nut I am couldn’t say no to a free health exam so off I went to have another needle stuck into my arm. They drew my blood, had me fill out a questionnaire about my mental health and I was done. A few days ago I checked the mail and there were my results in an envelope marked CONFIDENTIAL. I opened it and started reading through everything. It turns out that the free blood test screen a lot of things. My cholesterol, thyroid, protein and much more. The results even came with a booklet explaining how each thing checked affected my body. As I got to page three, I notice there were two items that were in bold with a capital H next to them. I read on and found that my Billirubin and Alkaline Phos were both higher then the high average provided. I turned my attention to the explanation booklet. Both items were related to the liver. I sat there for a minute and then re-read the booklet. My liver? Wasn’t that checked by any of the other doctors? The fertility specialist? Either of the two endocrinologists? I wasn’t completely shocked though. Mrs. W had mentioned at one of my last visits that she believed my liver was in need of some work after being on birth control for so long and having jaundice as a baby. Looks like she hit the nail right on the head. 1 point for Mrs. W and a bit fat 0 for my other doctors. So sad it has taken me this long to find this. I immediately hopped on the information highway otherwise known as Google and search for ways to improve liver function. The supplement Milk Thistle popped up again and again so I spent about an hour researching it. Turns out Milk Thistle is dairy and wheat free….check. It can help restore liver function…check and I could start taking it as soon as I drove to the nearest natural grocer to buy it…check. My husband drove me to the store and I anxiously made my way to the supplement isle, impatiently scanned all the names and smiled as I found it. I have been taking it for three days now. I don’t feel any differently but I do feel like I am doing something to help myself. My doctor’s office has been closed due to the long holiday weekend so this morning was the first chance I had to fax them the results. As soon as I faxed the results, I called and left a message for the nurse and told her that I was worried about the high liver readings. She of course called back and said that they meant nothing but to me, having a higher then average liver reading is not nothing. Who knows maybe my liver readings are slighty off but that could be the universe’s way of showing me what is going on with my body. Ring Ring. Hello, it’s the universe. Please take care of Mr. Liver he is out of control. I am going to continue taking my milk thistle and wait for more improvements with my health. My thyroid levels were also lower then they had been in my previous test in March. The nurse dismissed this as nothing as well. I am going to start taking some natural thyroid supplements as soon as I can get out to the store. Low and high numbers with any functioning component of my body isn’t acceptable and “nothing”.

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.