My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Witch doctor? Or the missing link?

Today was a very nice day. I got up, went to church and then spent the rest of the day visiting with family and friends and holding their newborn babies. While visiting my cousin, I found out that her friend that was with us has just found out she is expecting. Although I silenty thought why is this so easy for everyone else? I also was very happy for her and didnt get sad at all. I walked through baby stores with both of them, picked out outfits and waiting  for the sadness to set never did. As I drove home I was happy that I had gotten to visit with them. I went to dinner with my husband and then drove to one of my very best friends house to catch up with her and see her baby for the first time in four weeks. He has gotten so bed and my friend is such a great mom.  We chatted for three hours and then I headed home.  I am glad I am at a point where I can enjoy these moments again and feel genuinely happy for all of my family members and friends as they become mothers.  I would be sad for myself if I had to miss those types of moments. On my way home, I was talking to my mom and she mentioned the "witch" doctor coming into the bank she works at. This doctor was the kinesiologist I was suppossed to go see a few months ago but cancelled the appointment.  They talked a bit about my fertility issues and the doctor offered a free consultation for me to come see her and see if she could help me. She told my mom she believed something was blocking my reproductive system.  Since ending my conversation with my mother, I have been thinking about this....I am going to call and schedule a second appointment and keep it. This doctor is moving to Texas in two months so this is my chance. I believe everything happens for a reason and the fact that she went to my mom's bank, got my mom as a teller and remembered my case might mean that she could be my missing link???  I am going to call first thing tomorrow morning.  This week is going to be very busy for me. I have class Mon-Weds for work, a golf tornament on Thurs and an FSH blood test on Friday. I will go see Mrs. W on Monday and Thursday afternoons and have an appointment for accupuncture on Weds. I will also be going every morning and doing an extra FSH shot this week. I know my FSH has gone down but I am curious to see by how much??  Friday can't get here fast enough!

Mother Nature are you there?

Back to life, back to reality…yes I am humming the tune to myself as I sit here at work. Today is Thursday and you know what that means. Probably not only I am obsessed with Thursdays. No it’s not only because it means I only have one day left until the weekend, it is because Thursday is testing day. Every Thursday morning I take a pregnancy test.  I have had some weird cramping and have been more tired then usual so I was hopeful of a different result this morning but I am sad to report that there wasn’t a plus sign staring back at me once I finally got up the nerve to look at the results.  I guess I will just have to leave it the fertility specialist to help us get pregnant. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still terrified to go back into that office even thought its been over a year since my husband and I were last there. Our insurance company will only pay for one round of IVF with donor eggs and two rounds of IUI/IVF with my eggs. The problem is that I have to get my FSH down to 12 or below for them to let me use my eggs which means that I am going to be in fertility boot camp for the next three weeks until our appointment with the specialist on August 6th.  My next blood test is next Friday.  I have been working on my meditation exercises and getting that wheatgrass in everyday. The meditation exercise is picturing my brain sending FSH to my ovaries and then my ovaries responding and sending a message back to my brain. This is what causes FSH to stop being produced and in turn lowers the number.  My last ultrasound displayed that there are eggs in my ovaries so that means my ovaries should have no trouble responding to the FSH and start maturing an egg when they receive the signal from my brain right?? Mr. and Mrs. Ovary lets go. It is important you not ignore Mr. Brain. Yes he is a little above you and have been trying to over work you but it’s not his fault. He lives so far away, he can’t see you working so he just keeps trying to get a hold of you. Please try really hard to respond more quickly to Mr. Brain and let him know you are on top of things down there. Ok..enough talking to my organs.  I am pretty confident that my FSH will be around 15-20 next Friday when they take the test.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and along with the milk thistle for my liver, I think I am going to start taking a natural thyroid supplement and also look up ways to naturally stimulate the pituitary gland. The liver, thyroid and pituitary gland all help to make ovulation possible so I am going to give it a go. I am really scared for the appointment to come in August. I had so hoped that I would have had another period by then.  I have been doing just about everything I can think of to get better and although I have seen improvements, still no sign of mother nature with the return of my monthly gift.  Please mother nature, I like gifts, pick me please!

A Surprising Test Result...and a new supplement (not pregnant)l

One month and two more negative pregnancy tests later I am very frustrated. I have felt my body healing and getting better and thought for sure that I would be pregnant by now but I’m not and it has got me a bit down at the moment. No worries though, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger….I should have the strength of Hulk Holgan by now. I have been sticking to my diet, doing the deep breathing exercises and have had about four days of nothing but fun family time with my husband. I feel happy but still feel like there is something missing. I know I have to stay strong and keep positive.

The doctors said it is only a matter of time until I get pregnant so I need to enjoy my life and be happy and then it will happen. Mid May, my company had a health fair where they offered free blood tests. Me being the newly found health nut I am couldn’t say no to a free health exam so off I went to have another needle stuck into my arm. They drew my blood, had me fill out a questionnaire about my mental health and I was done. A few days ago I checked the mail and there were my results in an envelope marked CONFIDENTIAL. I opened it and started reading through everything. It turns out that the free blood test screen a lot of things. My cholesterol, thyroid, protein and much more. The results even came with a booklet explaining how each thing checked affected my body. As I got to page three, I notice there were two items that were in bold with a capital H next to them. I read on and found that my Billirubin and Alkaline Phos were both higher then the high average provided. I turned my attention to the explanation booklet. Both items were related to the liver. I sat there for a minute and then re-read the booklet. My liver? Wasn’t that checked by any of the other doctors? The fertility specialist? Either of the two endocrinologists? I wasn’t completely shocked though. Mrs. W had mentioned at one of my last visits that she believed my liver was in need of some work after being on birth control for so long and having jaundice as a baby. Looks like she hit the nail right on the head. 1 point for Mrs. W and a bit fat 0 for my other doctors. So sad it has taken me this long to find this. I immediately hopped on the information highway otherwise known as Google and search for ways to improve liver function. The supplement Milk Thistle popped up again and again so I spent about an hour researching it. Turns out Milk Thistle is dairy and wheat free….check. It can help restore liver function…check and I could start taking it as soon as I drove to the nearest natural grocer to buy it…check. My husband drove me to the store and I anxiously made my way to the supplement isle, impatiently scanned all the names and smiled as I found it. I have been taking it for three days now. I don’t feel any differently but I do feel like I am doing something to help myself. My doctor’s office has been closed due to the long holiday weekend so this morning was the first chance I had to fax them the results. As soon as I faxed the results, I called and left a message for the nurse and told her that I was worried about the high liver readings. She of course called back and said that they meant nothing but to me, having a higher then average liver reading is not nothing. Who knows maybe my liver readings are slighty off but that could be the universe’s way of showing me what is going on with my body. Ring Ring. Hello, it’s the universe. Please take care of Mr. Liver he is out of control. I am going to continue taking my milk thistle and wait for more improvements with my health. My thyroid levels were also lower then they had been in my previous test in March. The nurse dismissed this as nothing as well. I am going to start taking some natural thyroid supplements as soon as I can get out to the store. Low and high numbers with any functioning component of my body isn’t acceptable and “nothing”.

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.