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My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

A Double Hit From the Stun Gun

I was still feeling really good as I drove into work today. I have been considering making some professional changes to my life but am worried I might get pregnant in the midst of the changes. During our daily morning phone call, I expressed this concern with my mother who then replied “well remember you are talking about one to ten percent that may even be an option”. That comment just hit me like a stun gun and I didn’t talk for a full minute while I let the sting wear off. I rejoined the conversation as my mother called my name for the fifth time to see if I was still there. I then replied with “did you just say that to me?” I absolutely love my mother and I could not have gotten through this whole ordeal without her but it is statements like that which show me that she just plain does not understand what I am going through. Statements like “1 in 10% chance” or “there are other options” or “you are not dying” are statements that people in my situation really can’t stand to hear. I believe that being positive and not making statements that make the other person want to shrink into a ball and roll off into the distance is better for everyone. People who make statements like those I just mentioned are able to say those things because they have not had to deal with a fertility issue. It’s not their fault, it’s not the fertility patient’s fault either but it really does suck. Another thing I have recently learned is that my loved ones have been keeping pregnancies of people around us a secret from me. That is extra fun when I find out because then I get a dose of “I feel stupid that people have to keep things from me” mixed with “what the hell is wrong with me, why can’t I get pregnant.” I know people think they are doing the right thing not telling me but it makes it so much worse finding out through a third party. Ok, enough depressing talk. I am still feeling so happy and encouraged. We continue to be on the two year plan which has allowed me to be able to think about something else throughout the work days and actually become productive at work again.

And Finally Some Good News

As I sit here in at my desk and watch the first snow flakes of the season start to fall, I am still amazed at how great I have been feeling. The newly added hormones and DHEA have been such a great addition to my daily routine. I just had lunch with a friend of mine who suffered the horrible tragedy of loosing her full term baby about two years ago. She is now 10 weeks along and I am so happy for her...probably would have cried when she told me if my new drugs didn’t make me so darn happy all the time….not complaining at all. I was feeling pretty good after our lunch. Got back to work, stole a reeses pieces out of a coworkers snack drawer and was working along. A visit to the restroom brought on more good news. It appears that I have a large amount of clear, stretchy CM. I noticed it a bit this morning but thought nothing of it but this afternoon it is very obvious what is going on ….the estrogen is causing me to have a cycle!!!! I of course got out of the bathroom as fast as I could and called my mother and husband to which I got the response “um that’s great, you have good mucus?” They just don’t understand what a breakthrough this is. I know mucus is not that great of a conversation topic but I’ve got it and I don’t care who knows.


I was so glad that I had an acupuncture appointment; I knew Jeff would share in my mucus excitement. He was indeed very excited to hear of the changes I have been seeing and we discussed things I needed to be sure and do (besides my husband) the next few days. As soon as the needles were placed over my ovaries, I felt a sharp twitch on the right side. Right about that time, Jeff asked if I felt any twitches and when I told him yes, he smiled and said that’s good. Dying to know why that was “good,” I asked what it meant and he told me that it meant there was activity where ever the twitch was occurring. I replied with “it’s about time”. Jeff then responded with “it’s been a long time, so it may take awhile to wake your ovaries up.” I was sure to let him know I had been talking to my ovaries and not him when I had said “it’s about time”, didn’t want to piss the person off with the needles. As I was left to doze off for my 45 minute treatment, it took a minute for my mind to relax with all of the good news I had received throughout the day. My friend had gotten pregnant, I seemed to be responding to my new medicine pretty early in the process and the first snow was falling. I was just too happy to sleep….but I did it anyway. Jeff woke me up, went over the game plan (intercourse at least twice in the next couple of days and foot baths) and I was sent on my way to fight the traffic caused by the first signs of winter. I didn’t care about the traffic though, I just sat in traffic listening to my Beth Moore bible study..nothing, not even the butt who cut me off because he didn’t want to wait in line, could ruin my day.

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.