It's Feeling Sorry for Myself Friday!

I’m back! I am finally home, the one week in the panhandle felt like a month. Of course I couldn’t remember where I had parked the car so with my 50 pound duffle bag (I will never, repeat never, travel with a suitcase that doesn’t have wheels again!), computer bag and purse I explored the three airport parking garages until I finally found it. Guess where is was? In the first garage I looked on. I jumped in the car and raced home. After I was all settled in, I pulled out my bag long grain brown rice, some veggies and some shrimp and made a stir fry for myself. After a long week of plain lettuce and nuts I couldn’t wait one more second for something yummy and delicious that I could eat while staying on my diet. As I got everything scooped into my bowl, I sprinkled some flaxseed oil over the top along with some olive oil and sat down in front of the TV with my hubby. I don’t know if I was just really hungry or what but the stir fry tasted amazing and it was worth the four day wait! Yummy food, Greys Anatomy and snuggling with my hubby now that is what I call a good night! After I was done eating, I did the dishes and the hubby and I went upstairs to try and make a baby. On this subject, I have noticed that in the past two months, it has really hurt during intercourse (down there). I have read and have been told by my doctors that may be a symptom of menopause (thin lining) or it can mean that I am about to have my monthly friend or in my case my (quarterly friend). Your cervix closes after ovulation causing certain positions to be painful but why would it be closed for two months? If things don’t get better I will be forced to go on some hormone replacement. It literally feels like someone is jabbing needles into me which puts a horrible look on my face which makes my husband feel like I am not enjoying the experience at all so it is not a good thing for anyone and if it doesn’t go away before my next appointment with the OBGYN, I will have to go on hormone replacement :0(. You can still get pregnant while on replacement though and I have actually read good things about the estrodial patch. It has actually helped women with POF get pregnant in a few studies. The hormones in the patch help to stimulate the follicles that are just sitting in the ovaries since there are not enough of the right hormones to finish the process and mature one or two of them. Maybe going on this patch wouldn’t be a bad thing?? Or course I want to stay as natural as I can but my husband and I need to be able to enjoy each other and right now I cant enjoyOther then the pain during intercourse, I feel great! I have lost weight, my skin is glowing and my hair is really soft and shiny. My energy levels are much better then they were and I feel more positive and open minded. I was so excited to have a session with my juicer this morning that I got up early before my alarm and was slicing fruit by 5:00 AM. First I juiced my wheatgrass wrapped in kale and took that down as a shot and then made my veggie and fruit smoothie complete with the superfood powder from Mrs. W. I feel motivated, relaxed and ready to tackle the weekend (I think). Saturday, I have a date with my Chihuahuas and my mother. The Dumb Friends League is hosting a race called the Furry Scurry to raise money so we are all going to walk in it (as long as its not snowing or below 30) then we are going to go to my favorite outside market and look for baby items. No they aren’t for me (yet) I am going to a baby shower on Sunday and would like to find a few things to go with my gift. Saturday night I have plans to meet up with a bunch of girls from college. Two of them are really pregnant (one being my one of my best friends) and a few of them have kids. I am really hoping I can forget my missing link and enjoy myself but I just don’t know if I am feeling being out with the girls right now. I just kind of want to stay home and relax in my sweats but I know that going out and being with friends is probably going to be really good for me. It’s the shower on Sunday I am more worried about. The host is preggers and the shower is being held for my best friend who I am currently so jealous of right now. There I admitted it! I want so badly to pee on a stick and see a plus sign! My two best friends seem to be starting the next chapter of their lives ( M has two beautiful children and C have one coming in a month and a half) and for some reason I am not being permitted to make the transition. Am I supposed to be in this stage a little longer then everyone else? Is this because I didn’t know how to take care of myself nutritionally? Or because I drank a little bit in high school? What is the reason? I didn’t realize it, but my friend from Texas that had 0% chance of getting pregnant and got pregnant…..she was the only person I knew (other then myself) that was having trouble getting pregnant and now there is only one …..me! I guess I am the statistic…for now anyway. Me saying this does not in anyway mean I don’t believe my body is making a come back. I know that it is and I have to be patient. I am simply having a moment. I hate to say this, but having one friend that was in the same boat as me made me feel like I wasn’t alone and now….I feel alone again! I want to be the same person I was before all of this started. The woman who could laugh things off, have a good time and not constantly be worrying about if the french fries I was about to eat were going to affect my fertility. I know that my days of eating french fries are gone right now but I really want find where my personality went and get it back. I have moved the fertility specialist appointment and am going to just plan on going in there in August and starting the IVF process. That was my plan before the good ultrasound and that will continue to be my plan. If something happens between now and then, that would be amazing. If something doesn’t happen, I will be the healthiest I have ever been and will feel ready to tackle the IVF realm. I did some research one night when I couldn’t sleep during my trip on healing the ovaries and found an amazing story about a woman who had a 6 cm fibroid in her womb and a case of horrible endometriosis. She was told her right ovary needed to be removed and demanded that it be left in her body. During the surgery to remove the fibroid, the doctor had to stitch the right ovary back together and told the woman her ovary was hanging by a thread and said the chances of her needing another surgery and possibly a hysterectomy were pretty good. 6-8 months after the operation she went back in for an ultrasound and to her and the doctor’s surprise both ovaries looked perfectly healthy. The right ovary had healed itself. I found this to be a truly amazing storing and proof that my ovaries can heal just as hers did. Here is the link http://www.anunda.com/articles/self-healing.htm. And with this inspirational story I am ending this post. Wish me luck on my adventures Lord please give me the courage to accept things I cannot change, stop eating my feelings and allow myself to have some fun.

THE CLEANSE PART II

Sorry forgot to post this on Monday before I left for my trip…..I went in for my second colon cleanse a six days ago and I feel great. This time we didn’t do an ionic foot bath, Mrs. W had me lay on a table that had a whole body message with infared lights. I laid there for about 30 minutes and got a message that stops periodically at certain pressure points and was able to really relax. The message is supposed to help relax your body before you get the cleanse. It worked, I was relaxed and ready to “take it”. This time after the cleanse when I went to the bathroom, I did release quite a bit of water. It was a very strange feeling but I got the water out and was on my way. This time Mrs. W sent me with the half gallon of ionized water since I was going to be traveling and couldn’t take me water with me. She told me to be sure and take my probiotic supplements and to call her if I had any side effects. She explained that as you get more cleanse, your body might resist and therefore you can feel kind of icky for a day or two. I made an appointment for my third cleanse for 9 days later and walked out the door. My husband was waiting for me as I walked outside. I climbed in and we started the drive to the natural grocer. We talked about what he had done while I was in my appointment and what we were going to get at the grocery store but not once did he ask how my appointment went. I continue to be shocked that he isn’t at all curious as to what goes on at all my appointments. I mean, he has to be curious doesn’t he? Whether it is acupuncture, OBGYN or colon cleansing appointments he has to be curious. I let it go, guessing he didn’t want to get into how the cleaning of my colon had gone and we talked about my upcoming business trip and his golf tee time he had the next day. When we got to the store I was sure to take in my new list of items Mrs. W had told me to get. Nutritional yeast was first on my list. I went to the bins where most of the grains were and spotted it. There wasn’t much left in the bin so I couldn’t really scoop some that the color hadn’t been changed from being exposed by light in the store but I got about 2 cups worth. I was sure to get flaxseed oil to mix with olive oil for salad dressing, my probiotic pills in the organge box and I got about 3 cups of long grain brown rice. I picked up a few vegetables and we were on our way. When we got home, I noticed that I was getting a headache so I put the groceries away and went up to lay down. I ended up staying in be the rest of the night. I didn’t feel awful, just a headache and felt kind of tired. When I woke up the next day I felt fine and was glad that I the side effects from the cleanse didn’t seem to be spilling over into my Sunday. My husband went to his golf lesson and I hung out at home cleaning and packing for my business trip. I went to lunch with my Mom and went shopping but was sure to get back in time to start cooking dinner. I wanted to use some of my new groceries Mrs. W had suggested. I am excited to tell you that the nutritional yeast does taste a bit like cheese and when mixed with the brown rice or put on top of a baked potatoes it is really good! I even took a bit with me on my trip. The flaxseed oil mixed with olive oil is really good. Flax is really good for protein and is also said to help restore healthy estrogen levels in the body. I feel like drinking the stuff..the more estrogen the better. I try and sprinkle it on everything I eat now. It has been a few days since my last cleanse now and for the past two days, I have had lots of thin, clear CM. Today there was a lot and it makes me kind of worry because I am in a different state traveling and I hope my hubby and I are not missing our first shot in 5 months to make a baby! I hope this happens next month too. It is probably god making sure my body is ready before the baby starts growing inside me.