My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Friday, March 4, 2011

A Prediction From the Eight Ball.....

Today, Tuesday 2/22 I am feeling the twinges on my lower left side. Perhaps it is just my stomach muscles but why have I never felt this before?

Today, Thursday 2/24, I have really bad cramps and over slept by 30 minutes. I have learned to accept mornings like this and just roll with things. I have no idea what the heck I am wearing definitely not something I would have chosen had I had longer than 15 minutes to pull myself together and for some reason I have the hiccups?? After receiving frustrating news at my ultrasound appointment last week, Jeff is on a mission to get things moving. He started me on a series of very close together line treatments yesterday afternoon. The treatments involve acupuncture points on my back that are meant to stimulate my uterine lining to thicken. I will go 5 times in the next week and then go in for an ultrasound next Thursday. Jeff also changed the herb formula I am taking and asked me to be sure and do my footbaths and eat plenty of pineapple. I have a good feeling about this, especially since I have bad cramps this morning. That my friends is a good sign! Any sign of life is something to celebrate. My next treatment is on Saturday, then one on Monday, Tuesday and Weds. I know this is going to be the winner. I can feel it in my bones. The hubby thinks I am crazy most of the time doing all of these treatments but to tell you the truth I feel like I am helping out so many other women in my position by trying all of the so called “crazy things.” I like to think that my experiences are helping other women to decide which treatments to try. I mean fertility issues are becoming way to common in this day and age. Don’t you think that is a little strange? Back in the good old days, you very rarely heard about fertility problems happening in young women. Why do you think that is? Do you think it is because that was a subject no one felt was okay to discuss publicly? Or do you think that the added stress of working and raising a family and the typical American diet going downhill have contributed to this fertility downfall? I think it is probably a little of both but still refuse to this day to believe that my body, and so many other women’s bodies, are not able to do one of the primary things we were made to do, conceive. I have spoken with over a handful of people who were either given 0-5% chance of conceiving on their own and now have at least one child which they conceived naturally. I really wish today’s doctors would be more concerned with fixing the problem instead of hiding things with medicine or choosing an alternative since the first choice isn’t working at the exact time their patients need a fix. If we all continue to take the easy fix with everything in our lives, don’t you think that one day everything will come crashing down and be right back in our faces to fix? Sorry, I believe I have gotten off on a tangent…..I apologize. Anyway as the day progressed the cramps got a little better, I had a good workout and was very energized all through the day even in the afternoon. I did notice that I could feel CM practically dripping out like water in the latter part of the day. Sorry for this over share but it is an important detail. It was very clear too. Both very good signs. I had my pineapple for dessert after dinner and was hoping for some alone time with the hubby but he has a bad cold and wasn’t in the mood so I settled for a good book and my foot bath. I laid down in bed and took a few deep breaths and told myself to release any stress I was carrying around. Then I pictured my ovaries sending a message to my brain to stop producing FSH, and an egg popping out of my ovary allowing me to get pregnant. Practice makes perfect right?

Friday, 2/25. I have cramps this morning and am optimistic that my CM will continue on the path to full blown fertile CM. So Saturday was a jammed packed day of moving and my second acupuncture treatment in the series of 5. I had so much CM on Saturday, it was kind of uncomfortable. Sunday was kind of dry and today it is back. I have treatments the next three days and then go in for an ultrasound on Thursday. I just know this is going to work, I can feel it.

Tuesday, 3/1. Oh my spring is on its way. I could feel it today as I drove to my doctor’s appointment with my sunroof open. Feels so good, get that vitamin D in girls and boys it’s important. As I sat in the waiting room waiting to be called back, I glanced at the stack of flyers that are always sitting there at the check in desk. They have the information about the infertility support group meeting information. Prior to last week, I have been against attending sessions for groups like this. My mom attended her weekly bible study with some of our very close family friends. They made my mom promise to relay a message regarding a story that had been on the news about one of the anchors and her struggle to get pregnant. She discussed how going to a support group really helped her cope and get through the bad days. She also reviewed statistics that show you are 50% more likely to successfully conceive if you are a member of a support group. Something about getting your feelings out and not feeling alone?? I have always considered this blog as my support group but I grabbed the flyer and after I get back from a much needed trip next week, I am going to start attending on Thursdays. I think it would be good for me to get out and actually talk to someone who will understand instead of typing onto a blank word document…no offense. Not feeling motivated at work today, I started googling trying to find the story on the local Denver news anchor. So far I have been unable to locate it however, I did find this,0,2240572.story. An article about Fertiliblend or should I say “pregnancy in a pill.” The article discusses a study at Stanford University that followed 93 women, 32% of them who took this supplement got pregnant, which was three times more then the placebo group. Hmmmm, I printed it out and am going to take it to Jeff my acupuncturist today. Oh yeah sorry, my appointment went well. My doctor had two students sit in our meeting. She asked if I had seen any changes since starting my medications 4 months ago and I went through the list of items I had noticed. She went on to tell me that I needed to give the medications at least 8 months. The gentlemen who led the study on DHEA and fertility states that a patient needs to be on DHEA for 4 months or longer. My doctor also stated that I seemed to be doing all the things I can to make this happen so just keep the faith and keep on trucking. She supported and seemed very interested in all of the natural things I was doing and said that anytime I need to come in and do an ultrasound she was fine with that. She made me promise to not get frustrated if they saw eggs and then nothing happened that was unfortunately the nature of the POI beast. I smiled and told her that nothing I could hear or go through from now on could be worse then those first few weeks after being diagnosed and being told I had 0% chance of conceiving and that I would stay positive. As we were leaving we were discussing me attending the support group and she backed the study I had told her about saying that she had done studies on women who were more pushy and neurotic. Seems that they get pregnant more easy then laid back women. Well at least I have that working for me, knew that would turn up to be a good quality for some reason sooner or later.

Weds, 3/2. Today I had my fifth and final treatment in the series and am experiencing some pretty heavy cramping today. It was hard to get through Pliates at lunch and even harder to sit at work and concentrate right now. I am confident there will be a chance at the ultrasound appointment tomorrow morning. Very excited to go!! By the way, Jeff said the fertiliblend stuff didn’t have any ingredients listed on the ad so he wasn’t sure if it would be helpful or not but that the important thing was to get my cycles going before I started taking things like that.

Thurs, 3/3 – I am sitting here at work waiting for 7:15 to roll around so I can head off to my dr. apt and have another ultrasound. I am not sure how I feel about it. Not expecting much so I don’t get my hopes up but I have had almost unbearable cramps for the past 24 hours so that has to mean something right? Perhaps I have just plain pissed off my ovaries now and they are screaming at me? Well the ultrasound will tell the truth. I am not going to eat anything until I get back from the appointment to try and avoid one of my ovaries from hiding behind my bowels are other organs. Well I am back from the appointment. It isn’t great news but isn’t horrible news either. My lining is tri-linear which means I have a healthy looking lining, it just isn’t any thicker then it was two weeks ago. My right ovary had a few tiny follicules in it but nothing that looked like much activity this month. My left ovary was hiding behind my uterine wall and no matter how hard they tried, they were unable to get a good picture of it, even without breakfast in my tummy. So my uterus looks good but no action this week. I guess it could be worse right? I wasn’t sad as I walked out of the office but as I drove closer to work I started to get kind of sad. As I passed the corner where homeless people usually hang out during the day, I watched as one young man, who had his shirt off, did a hand stand against a building go up and high fived the guy standing next to him. It amazed me that although this person appeared to have nothing, he at that moment was enjoying life more then I was….then I got even sadder. It makes me sad that I have such a beautiful life that the only thing that is missing (other than my periods of course) is having my own child. It makes me sad that I have this wonderful life yet I was sitting there in my car thinking “guess it could be worse”. What the F is wrong with me? Why am I allowing the homeless guy to enjoy his life more than I am currently enjoying mine? This is plain and simple a lesson on patience. My body is not simply going to do something just because I want it to at this very minute. It will ovulate and start all reproductive operations when it is good and ready. It’s not that I don’t have healthy eggs, it’s that my body doesn’t use them every month so as much as I hate the thought of waiting (kills me to think about it) I am going to have to. It is simply not time right now and I have to wait until it is time….darn it. I am considering taking a break from acupuncture and not take my hormones for awhile. Just want to be free to not have to worry about taking prescriptions or making appointments. I still don’t see how my body will produce its hormones if I keep feeding them to it. Doesn’t seem much different then birth control.

Around 2:00 PM I have in and called Jeff to tell him that my lining wasn’t any thicker and that our latest experiment hadn’t worked the way we would have liked it to. Although my lining looked healthy, which was a chance, it wasn’t any thicker and there didn’t appear to be any follicules working to mature only tiny ones from the last time they attempted to be mature. He sighed , asked me a bunch of question, told me he needed time to think about our next step while he was on vacation and asked me to take my heating pad with me on my trip to Dallas this weekend. He said not to be frustrated and that we would figure it out. He also explained the the five treatments we had done in the past week were done based on a study he had ready about while getting his medical license. He schedule my next appointment for Monday, 3/14 and said he would talk to me then unless I needed something while he was gone. I hung up the phone feeling much better and after an intense work out at lunch, I had almost forgotten about the whole thing. I decided to ask a coworkers magic eight ball if I was going to get pregnant this month, March 2011, and it said outlook good. I asked again just to be safe and it said “all signs point to yes.” If the magic eight ball said it twice then it has got to be true right???

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.