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My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Jan 30th

Going to start this posting off with some information I know most of you just dont want to know....so being itimate with my husband has gone from a fun thing to something I have started to dread.  Ever since going off the pill I am very dry and it is no longer enjoyable.  It has become another thing I have to worry about because we both get frustrated when I am dry. Him becaues he thinks I am not enjoying it and me because I want to enjoy it and I dont want him to think I am not.  I have been using a pre-seed lubricant that works great but having to get up and insert that in can really kill the mood so I didnt. Saying the words "hold on oney while I put in my fake cervial mucus" really isnt sexy...Luckily things seemed to be working down there and we were able to have a nice night together...the things you take for granted.  Something I didnt think about before going off the pill and finding out my ovaries were not functioning right. I woke up this morning on the war path for some reason? I got up and made breakfast and then started cleaning and doing the laundry. My husband noticed I was starting one of my "emotional saturdays" and started helping me and for some reason I started picking a fight for him because he was helping me clean.  Why would any woman get angry with their husbands for helping with the chores around the house....who gets territorial over vaccuming?? Appareantly someone who is missing hormones.  I decided to go work out and pick up a few items I needed for a baby shower to get out of the house.  I managed to run over 2 miles without even realizing I was doing it. As I was stretching, I was looking out the window at a busy street.  I watched as a police lead funeral train came by and realized that I needed to snap out of this feeling sorry for myself thing I had woken up in. I had my family, my friends, my puppies, a great job and sort of my health? I really needed to stop being so angry and bitter. I left the gym feeling better but that was unfortunately wrecked as soon as I walked into BabiesRUs or should I call it "the carnival from hell"?  Lucky me, today they were having a special where you could bring in old car seats and strollers and trade them in to get half price on new ones. The whole store was packed, there were what felt like hundreds of parentless kids running around out of control and I was left to find the items on the registry by myself. For those of you who have been in that store it can be overwhelming on a day when there arent many people in there. On a day like today it is like being in a funhouse in one of those revolving tunnels.  I officially lost it in BabiesRUs and actually started crying, only then did one of the 17 year olds that work there offered to help me.  I am sure the kid who helped me thinks I have mental problems but at least I finally got some help!  The baby shower was much easier then I thought it would be.  I have such great friends and my friend who is due in a month and a half is doing great.  As I was sitting at the shower, I couldnt help but hope that someday I will have a baby shower of my own with my child sitting there in my belly.  I hope and pray that will happen some day...until then I will live vicariously through my friends and pray that they all deliver beautiful healthy children....and avoid BabiesRUs. 
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Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.