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My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Checklist Friday, 8/28/09
Temperature of 98.3
Uncertain of what is going on with my body
Weight gain of 8-10 pounds
Husband and I are barely able to communicate
Selling everything I own to make myself feel better
Not sure if I should start looking at baby stuff to be positive or not get my hopes up
Does spotting mean something good?
Why does brown mean old? Why cant it mean new?
Starting progesterone again before day 14 this Sunday upon the doctors request
Doctor said clear mucus with spotting was a sign of estrogen..yeah???
Have decided to start working out again. If I cant have baby, at least I will be able to fit in my clothes which is not happening very easily right now.
Call from third obgyn I asked to analyze my labs. He said it didn’t look good but he wanted me to get new labs taken soon at same time received email from friend about her ultrasound. She saw the baby moving around. I started crying in the middle of walmart.
My doctor decided to have me re-start progesterone a week early since I didn’t get a heavy bleed when I stopped taking it.
Not sure what to think right now just trying to stay positive.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This is officially the 6th month since stopping birth control
One light spotting joke of a period, am I stupid to think things are improving?
Taking progesterone again
Drinking caffeine and soy again
Anxious to see what happens this week with mucus since this is supposed to be my fertile time
Temperature has stayed from 97.5-97.7 for past four days, improvement from earlier
Not cramping every morning with progesterone like I was before, not sure if this is a bad or good thing?
Cousin keeps telling me god has a plan for me…easy for her to say she was pregnant. I do believe he has a plan for me though.
Decided to throw my best friend a baby shower for her second pregnancy since I had been so into myself the past few months and hadn’t been there for her.


Tuesday, September 7, 2009
Long weekend was nice just relaxed and spent time with family
Fertile mucus on Saturday then not much on Sunday and Monday. Sunday was supposed to be day 14
Havent gone number 2 in like 5 days
Really bad headaches and my hair seems to be falling out
Worried that I wont spot or do anything on or around the 23rd. If this happens I am asking to go on clomid.


Thursday, September 10, 2009
Finally went to the bathroom and was frightened it might be like giving birth
Have a had a headache nonstop for like three days
Thyroid medication has been discontinued
Cramping each morning
Urge to eat everything in sight and even things hidden in my desk drawer
Not sleeping again all of a sudden, maybe because I stopped getting acupuncture?
Decided to throw my friend a baby shower to keep my mind off of my problem, no its not always about me.
Have been very moody, husband hid from me last night after dinner
Everyone calling or texting me about infertile specials on dr. phil, operah or in a magazine. People let me be, everytime I stop thinking about it one of you reminds me.

Friday, September 11, 2009
Went to the bathroom when I got home from work and found an abundance of cervical mucus! WTH???
Celebrated for the rest of the day!!!



Sept. 27th - Sunday
Had mental breakdown yesterday after taking a second test and getting a negative result
Thought that I was done, kids were not in my future, husband had to sit me down and tell me to relax, keep doing what I was doing and give it some more time.
Went retail therapy shopping with my mom
Went to eat and was sat near baby triplets
Started taking 5 htp to relax me and do yoga poses before laying down in bed at night

Sept. 28th – Monday
Have a new perception on life..thanks mostly to my 5HTP which is a natural mood enhancer
Made an accupunucture appointment
Ate more food than one person should at lunch today
Came back from lunch and found that I was spotting. This would be 5 days late from the first day of my last spotting last month.
Went to acupuncture and had a 45 minute treatment. Scheduled to go back in two weeks right around ovulation time
Didn’t bleed much last night, was worried it was from my uterus getting punctured during sex
Fell asleep in my clothes watching tv at 8:00 PM…guess I don’t need the progesterone to go to sleep
Husband was a slave driver to get old furniture out since new furniture is coming tomorrow. “out with the old in with the new”

Sept. 29th – Tuesday
Woke up from a deep sleep by my alarm, rushed to get ready and get the puppy her medicine
Had to get gas on the way
Put a tampon on this morning just in case I was having a period and low and behold when I went to the bathroom about three hours later, there was blood on it and I had to put another one on. I am having a period!!! Not just brown spotting either, there is red!!!
Called my doctor to see what the next steps were before going out of town for three days for work
Would like to be put on clomid
So happy and grateful I am having a period
Told my husband and he said he was having one too as a joke. Never thought I would be able to talk about this stuff so openly with him


Since my last entry things have been interesting. I was excited to see that I started spotting on Sunday,August 23rd. It never became anything more than spotting but that is what my doctor called a breakthrough bleed. I have never in all my life been so excited to see a stain in my underwear…stain away I say! I called my doctor on Monday, August 24th to see what the next step was. I spoke with the nurse practitioner who told me she didn’t think I was in menopause and that I should stop taking my progesterone supplements for 7 days and then start back up. She also told me that she had been off the pill for almost a year and was just now started to get periods. She said she hadn’t done anything like acupuncture or taken any supplements she was just doing it naturally. That is why she thought I was fine, because she had waited almost a year. I was feeling really great about my situation, things seemed to be getting better. I spotted for about four days and then on that Friday, I received a call from the new fertility specialist I had asked to look at all of my lab results. All of the labs were from May when I was just going off the pill but I wanted a second opinion. The doctor, Dr. J, said that it didn’t look good. Along with the FSH test, the first fertility specialist had run a test that measures activity of the ovaries. This test combined with the FSH test can tell your overall fertility health. With a high FSH and a low ovary activity measurement, they will diagnose you with ovarian failure or early menopause. I was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot when he called me and I just sat there feeling all of the excitement I had been feeling this week after I had started spotting drain out of my body. Dr. J said he would like to get some current lab work done since it has been 6 months since my last labs had been run. I told him I wanted to wait awhile and see what happened and he said that was fine. I thanked him for taking the time to look at my labs and told him I would call back once I had been off the pill a year. Surprisingly, I didn’t get as upset about this phone call as I thought I would. I hung up the phone and sat in my car for a few minutes and then opened the door and walked in to Wal-Mart. As I was doing my shopping, I decided that I wouldn’t mention the phone call from Dr. J to my husband. Lately it seemed like he just went off the deep end every time I got semi-bad news and I didn’t want to deal with that. So for now, I was going to keep this to myself and talk about it with my mom. That lasted about 3 hours. When I got back to the house my husband was home from work and he could tell that I had been crying. He asked what was wrong and I just told him I was tired but it took exactly 20 minutes for him to get it out of me and then we both just laid in bed not saying much to each other. After a day of feeling sorry for myself, I got over myself and decided I was going to ignore what Dr. J had said and go with what my other doctor had told me. I was going to treat the spotting like a normal period, count 14 days out and see if I ovulated. Occording to the “generic” 28 day cycle I should have ovulated on September 5th. I didn’t have much CM on that day but we tried over the whole holiday weekend anyway. I had stopped taking my temperature in the morning because I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and that messes up your temperature. I continued to keep my spirits off, get acupuncture and try not to think about things. One week later on Friday, 9/11 I got home from the store and went to go to the bathroom and found EWCM and lots of it…I even took a picture. I know what you are thinking, who does that? But after so long of expecting not to ever see it, I wanted to capture the moment. That meant that I had ovulated 1-2 days ago and that this was my most fertile day and that I had ovulated about 5 days later than I should have. Just by chance, my husband and I had intercourse the night before which was good because we went out that night and he was in no shape to repeat the night before. The next morning we did it again so there was a chance that we had conceived. After finding the EWCM, I did some research on what causes it. EWCM is caused by a surge of estrogen, which is a hormone that Dr. J had just told me about one week earlier that I wasn’t producing enough of. The website I was looking at also suggested doing a water test with your CM. If the CM does not dissolve in the water then you have allot of estrogen. So one day at work….yes at work…I took a cup of water into the bathroom and low and behold it didn’t dissolve. Yes I take pictures of my CM and play with it in water..got a problem with that? At this point I was desperate to hang on to anything that went against what both the fertility specialist had told me. That week, I was on top of the world. In my mind, there was a chance I could be pregnant. We had intercourse the day before and the day after peak day and even if we hadn’t timed it right, it appeared that I had ovulated. I noticed that on Weds., 9/16 I started to get a thick milky CM that lasted for about 7 days. On that Saturday, 9/19 I was walking around the mall with my mom and got a cramp on my bottom left side and that next day I started to feel a bit nauseous. Noticed a few other things on that Sunday. When my stomach growled, it felt different and my back sort of hurt. The next day, Monday 9/21 I figured out why I had been feeling funny…I had the stomach flu…or did I? As soon as I had to run to the bathroom, I googled stomach flu symptoms and pregnancy and it turns out that many women who are pregnant have diarrhea. Along with the big “d”, I was also feeling nauseous so I still kept my hopes up. I had three days before it had been a month since I had spotted and I was really not sure who long to wait before taking a test since it seemed like I had a delayed cycle this time. I had no choice but to wait and pray that this wasn’t just a case of the stomach flu. Turns out that it was just a case of the flu…I know what are the chances??? All of the information I found on diarrhea being one of the first symptoms of pregnancy was very interesting though. I must have ready at least 50 blogs from different women suffering from this symptom. Seems like it would be quite the opposite but from what I have read, you either can’t go or have to go to much.

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.