My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

Please Help Fund My Research

Economically Organic

Today on Economically Organic:
Save the carrot shaving from your juicer and make carrot cake or carrot muffins yummy! You can also save them to put in a salad.

Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Getting a life...and becoming a better wife

My husband and I went to dinner with his boss last night at a really good sushi place. This is the first sushi restaurant I have been to that will make the rolls with brown rice if it is requested. I was able to eat most of the rolls without breaking my diet and must have a had a little to much to eat because I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. On our way home from the restaurant, we had a conversation that we seem to be having a lot lately. It seems that I have changed both in my personality and in the way I act around/treat my husband. I guess I have been so preoccupied with what is going on with my body that I haven’t even noticed the changes taking place. Before my diagnosis last year, I wasn’t serious about anything (accept my husband, my family and my bargain shopping), I was light hearted,shared just about everything with my husband and was pretty much a push over. I guess as I have gone through this experience, I have learned to take things more seriously (like my health), to stand up for myself , let my opinions be heard and have become much more independent. I have also stopped sharing everything with my husband. There are just things that I don’t think he needs to know. For example, how my CM changes through out the day or how many times I have gone number two in a day. Besides, He tends to get upset when I bring up my fertility or he just doesn’t respond. So basically I have not been able to discuss the main focus of my life with him….and that is bound to change our marriage and myself a bit. I thought by writing about it, I would be able to get everything out without this communication issue causing problems in our marriage and I thought it was a great plan…but I guess I was wrong. My husband told me that I have my head so deep into getting pregnant that I don’t even realize how much I have changed. I’m not saying he doesn’t want me to stand up for myself, he just wants the same light hearted, fun person he married. I don’t know if I can be that person right now…I mean I feel light hearted and am not very often in a bad mood it’s just that life experiences change people and I don’t think I have changed for the worse. I have also become more responsible and more appreciative which are good qualities right? I do feel awful that I have been putting every last drop of energy and focus into healing my body and trying to have a baby. It isn’t right for me to do that and I didn’t mean to do it….it’s just that as my research continued, more and more of my friends/family members became pregnant and the blood test results kept rolling in, I got more and more addicted to finding an answer and the one doctor who believed I could have a baby on my own. Now that I have both of those things, it still isn’t enough. I am now obsessed with my new diet “lifestyle” determined to erase all damage to both my reproductive system and the rest of my body. I consider Mr. Juicer my new friend, who I am starting to rely on to help make the concoctions that will heal all my internal wounds….and my husband sees him as a torture device that sounds more like a wood chipper grinding the kitchen cabinets in the morning then a juicer. After my husband made his point, it was a long car ride home. I sat there and wondered if I could even re-direct some of my focus to something else….and I really don’t know if I can. For once I feel like I am making a difference, that what I am doing might actually help someone else. Having said that, I love my husband and don’t want to loose him because I can’t budget my time and focus and it would be pretty selfish of me to not even try. He told me he is not going to leave my side but that it is my choice on how we live the rest of our lives. We can spend our lives being miserable, waiting for the positive test result that may never show up or happy, appreciating what we have and enjoying each other. I, of course, like option two but I am telling you what, I can’t stop what I am doing. I feel like I am closer to restoring regular ovarian function to my ovaries then I have ever been….and I am not letting anyone get in my way. I would always have the question “what if” if I stopped trying and trust me, blaming my husband for me stopping my crusade would not be good for our marriage at all! I will just have to try and not put all of my focus on my cause and try and enjoy my husband a little bit more. I know I wrote that I was going to do that….and I thought I had been doing it the last few days but maybe not?? I think this whole process is so rough on relationships not only between husbands and wives but between family members and friends. There is the awkwardness of a friend never truly knowing what to say to the person they know is suffering. The feeling a hopeful grandmother gets as she watches all of her friends become grandmothers wondering if she will ever hold her own grandchild and the moments were husband and wife are laying in bed trying to find the right words to say after she has just hung up the phone with another friend sharing her pregnancy news. It’s tough, going through any medical issue is and my advice to anyone going through a medical fight right now is to…get a hobby. Find a new focus and believe me I am taking my own advice, especially after last night. From personal experience though, don’t make your new focus shopping that can turn ugly (as I have experienced). You end up with no money and a bunch of things you don’t need…and a frustrated hubby. Find something you like to do that takes your mind off your diagnosis maybe even something that can help you heal. Yoga is very good for you and painting changes focus and is used as a healing technique and you don’t have to be Picasso. You can create a lovely stick figure piece that is sure to make you feel better. I have read about a bunch of Eastern Medicine clinics that hold healing painting seminars. One thing that I believe has really made a difference in my case is writing. Even if you are not going to publish your thoughts and feelings online for all to read, writing is a great way to release your feelings without overloading any of your loved ones. You can’t (or at least shouldn’t) wake your best friend up at night or interrupt your husband at work but your journal (or in my case my blog) is there for you whenever you need to talk. Along with writing my hobbies now include focusing on creating a list of yummy fertility juices to share with others, re-decorating my house and after yesterday improving my marriage. Hear me now, I can be a better wife, decorate the house and heal my body…after all I am a woman and we are best at multi-tasking. Notice I put be a better wife first so that I can remind myself that is the most important of the items on my list…hope it works :0)

Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.