My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Save the carrot shaving from your juicer and make carrot cake or carrot muffins yummy! You can also save them to put in a salad.

Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A Hard Weekend.......and Some More Decisions...I Think

This weekend was a hard one to get through. Although I had many fun things planned with friends and family, I hit some unexpected road blocks on the drive towards the entrance to my infertility free summer.  I had my hair done for the first time since November, yes I said November. Although I am no longer feeling ghetto fabulous with my roots fixed and my layers freshened up, I left the salon a little sad. My hair dresser who I love is 5 1/2 months pregnant with a baby she conceived by accident after trying for two years and loosing a baby. I am extremely happy for her but so jealous that I havent been able to conceive after trying for two years now. I feel selfish as I type that I left feeling sad for myself instead of excited for her.  Why is it that it seems that I am the only woman I know that has trouble conceiving that still hasnt been able to get pregnant. I helped two close friends who were given 0% chance, watched my cousin's girlfriend who was told she couldnt conceive do so, I mean not to sound selfish but Lord when will it be my turn??? I managed to shake off the 30 minute cry fest I had in my car and join my husband and his family at the Rockies baseball game where I thought I was perfectly fine until my husband got up to use the restroom and didnt ask me if I needed to go so I could go with him. As ridiculous as it sounds, I proceeded to start a fight with him because he didnt ask me. I feel like lately nothing he does, no matter how hard he tries makes me happy. It didnt hit me until the next day while I was driving to meet a friend for lunch that it must be something hormonal. I remember when I would be on the same birth control for awhile and it was time to switch, everything he did annoyed me and I know some of my friends who had the same thing happen. That is how I have been feeling lately so although it sounds horrible....maybe hating on my husband is a good thing?? Perhaps it means my hormones are kicking in (obvisouly not at normal levels)...or its the steroid DHEA kicking in. I am on roids so .... The best part of the night at the rockies game was that I have never in my life been shown on the jumbo tron or televsion while at a professional sporting event. On Friday night it got chilly and I didnt have a coat being that it is mid May so my mother in law had her CU snuggie she had packed just in case. I took it when she offered and had been wearing it for about 30 minutes when the kid in the row behind us started dancing in between innings and before I knew it there were my husband and I on the jumbo screen snuggie and all. I was mortified!!!! Of course no one could see my cute outfit underneath....just the snuggie which I even had my arms through the sleeves of.  The next day I got up with my husband and helped him get ready for a golfing trip, did my Zumba work out on the Wii (which I love if any of you are thinking about purchasing it) and text a friend to see if she wanted to do lunch and walk around the mall. On my drive to the mall, along with recognizing my hormonal issues, I also had a chat with God and asked him to please not forget me because it feels like everyone elses prayers have been answered while my husband and I continue to hurt. I reassured him for like the millionth time that we would be amazing parents and wouldnt take one second for granted.  I was feeling really good as I walked into th restaruant to meet my friend who had her almost one year old with her.  We had a nice lunch and were about to pay when she told me she had struggled with whether or not she should tell me but that she thought she might have accidentally gotten pregnant again. I smiled and asked how she felt about it. I truly was happy for her but I felt my heart start to sink back into my stomach and felt like I was having to fight my pizza I had just eaten from coming back up.  At that moment I felt like looking up at the sky towards God and say "Really?" I mean I know you shouldnt expect anything from God, that it isnt the way it works but I feel that I have literally watched everyone around me, even though who were told they had 0% chance, conceive. I had just gotten back to a place where I felt I could move past the day before and then this. I shook it off again and we started walking around the mall. We were making our way to the elevator so we could get to the second floor when out walks a family of 5 with three children below the age of three and one more on the way. I ignored it and didnt make a single comment. I ended up having a really good time, I had shaken it off again. My husband and I had a party at one of his best friend's house that night so I purchased a new top at bebe and a new pair of shoes and some new perfume, I was ready to go out on the town. I knew that one of the women who had been given 0% chance to conceive and had conceived after going to my acupuncturist for a few months was going to be there with her adorable baby bump but I got all gussied up, had a few glasses of wine and walked into the party like I was the amazing woman I am. I didnt expect for there to be four other very pregnant women at the party as well as my friend. Let's just say there wasnt enough beer or wine at the party to help me shake that one completely off. It was either booze or food that I would have to bury myself into so I choose the booze. It worked, I hung out on the patio playing beer games for most of the night and visited with my friend and gave her a little gift I had purchased a while ago for her baby.  I woke up this morning feeling ok. I had a clothing swap brunch at another friends house. I thought the idea was so great and I was very excited to go and take the clothing I have had in the back of my car to go to the resale shop and have a few mimosas. There were a total of 6 women including myself and as I walked in, I recognized one of them. She used to live in the same apartment complex as me the year I met my husband. I hadnt seen her in almost 4 years. She looked great, we started talked and she shared with me that she was four months pregnant. One, she was so skinny you couldnt even tell and two they had concieved on their first month of trying. I smiled, gave her a congratulations hug and went in the other room to make myself another strong mimosa, walked back in choose my items, thanked the hostess for the invitation and politely exused myself. This has been a very emotionnally draining weekend fo rme. For some reason along with the hormonal mood swings, which I need to get in control of before I drive my husband away, I have also been exhausted when I have no reason to be. So tired that my eyes are hurting. I dont know if this could be a side effect from upping my DHEA dosage???  I read online this morning about a bunch of POF cases where they were told to only take 25 mg of DHEA which did nothing until they upped their dosage to 75mg. I had been taking 50mg until last week when I upped it myself. I am going to do it for a month and see what happens. Well I think I am going to end this day, I am tired and have a long week of work ahead of me.

1 comment:

  1. OH so unfair. I recall seeing teenagers who where pregnant and I would breakdown crying. All my friends, all my coworkers and it was so so so hard. For me this went on for just under 10 years. It did not get easier until we brought our daughter home from China. Finally I am no longer bothered by pregnant women! Finally. Someday I know you will feel that as well but the time you do feel the pain is not easy! So sorry please know you are not alone.


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Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.