My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Economically Organic

Today on Economically Organic:
Save the carrot shaving from your juicer and make carrot cake or carrot muffins yummy! You can also save them to put in a salad.

Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Signs They Are Everywhere!

The appointment with the Kinesiologist was very…. interesting but the results were better then I could have expected. I arrived at the home where I would be receiving a treatment and halfway ran in because I was so anxious for the appointment to start. Ann, answered the door, introduced herself and led me to a waiting room so that she could finish up on a patient. As I sat there, I listened to the thunder outside and wondered if the thunder or rain storm moving in meant anything. Was I about to cleanse myself and the storm was a sign? I know I am a huge dork for even thinking like this and an even bigger one for sharing this thought but I have really started to believe in signs. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and even halfway believe that the first blizzard Denver had in 2006 was God allowing a bunch of people to meet (like my husband and I) and a bunch of people to pro-create. His way of killing thousands of birds with one snowy stone. It seems to perfect that I would walk into a bar that I wouldn’t have ever gone in prior to the blizzard and meet my now husband of two years. I had sworn off men after three mini relationships so mini that they barely existed and wasn’t the least bit interested in dating anyone. My roommate had become friends with our neighbors so when the snow started to fall, they came over and asked if we wanted to walk over to the bar in the parking lot of our apartment complex. Seeing the confused look on our faces he immediately explained that the owners had recently converted the old gay bar into a heterosexual bar and we agreed we would go…for a bit. My husband’s roommate was friends with my neighbors and he had a big truck so they were able to drive over to the complex after receiving the invite. The two of them met us at the bar so I didn’t even know they were coming until I turned around after ordering a drink at the bar and ran smack into him. He is very tall and muscular so I just kind of bounced off of him and then I said “you are really tall.”….thank you captain obvious. That isn’t what he said to me but since getting to know each other he has told me he really doesn’t know what to say when people say that to him…um thanks…you are really short. We hit it off immediately and after a few days of playing hard to get we gave in and he attended a friends wedding with me where we had our first kiss and we have been together ever since. Growing up, you are always told that if it a relationship was meant to be that things wouldn’t be so difficult, that when it’s meant to be things just mesh and you don’t even have to think about it. I always rolled my eyes when my mom told me that but guess what…she was right. I didn’t have to wonder if he was going to call or if something I might say might scare him away everything clicked and it was perfect. Looking back on those times almost 4 years ago I am jealous of my old self. I was young, confident and so happy with no troubles in sight. I had what I thought were my periods, size 2 jeans and a great apartment downtown. Oh how I wish I would have enjoyed that time more and not taken it for granted. Don’t get me wrong, I am still confident but those size 2 jeans have gone up a few sizes, my periods have taken a siesta and I know live much further away from downtown. Anyway, I wonder if the approaching rainstorm rumbling in as I entered the kinesiologist’s home was sign of things changing just like the blizzard in 2006 had been all those years ago.

As the session started, Ann went through her background and explained why she does applied kinesiology for a living and that she has done it for over 30 years. Her story is very crazy. She has been through a lot but it all taught her that the human mind controls a lot more then most people think. We then briefly went over my history (family and health) and then she had me lay on a coach and took my left arm and laid it across the arm of the couch. Then she took my hand and we started the treatment. Let me start out by saying that I didn’t give her much detail into my history and what she found out during the treatment was dead on. She took my hand and felt around my hand and my wrist as she read the currents in my body. As she read, I listened and wondered what it all meant. Luckily, she wrote down the results. Occasionally she would feel a negative charge and stop and ask me why I had them on the subjects she was researching. One of them was my mother another was the word pregnant. It was determined in my session that I was carrying around a lot of trapped emotions for my mother. Not towards my mother for my mother. It seems that while my mother was pregnant with me, she was carrying a lot of guilt and depression. That would make sense, her father died less then a year before I was born and right before she became pregnant with me, her and my dad moved from St. Louis (where my mom’s entire family lived and still lives…including my newly widowed grandmother) to Louisiana for my Dad’s job. My mom has told me countless number of times how sad she was before she decided to suck it up and start enjoying her life since she couldn’t change where she lived…at least at that moment. The session also brought up that I had trauma in the womb. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and I was struggling. My mother subconsciously knew I was in danger and her body went into labor….3 weeks early, well actually it was 4 weeks early. Ann said my mom’s doctors said it was 3 weeks but that it was really 4 weeks. As my mom was giving birth, her body was freaking out because it was worried about me. My mom’s blood pressure rose so high that she was on the brink of having a heart attack. I was born with jaundice which has to do with the liver. The liver is connected to emotions specifically sadness….hmm I see a connection there don’t you? Ann, said that the sad feelings my mom had while pregnant and the traumatic birth have caused both my mother and I to bottle up emotions from these events without even knowing it. Even though I hadn’t been born yet, I was aware of my mother’s feelings while pregnant because we were connected. As an adult, I have been subconsciously worried that I will feel the sadness she felt while pregnant if I were to get pregnant and that my child and I would experience a traumatic birth if I were to have a child. Ann also said that my mother also subconsciously didn’t want me to get pregnant because she is afraid for the child’s life. I was shocked at this result, my mother had never expressed feeling like this to me but after speaking with my mother after leaving the appointment….Ann was dead on. My mother has a fear of the baby not making it the complete 9 months and doesn’t want my child to have the same problems I had when I was born….this was amazing to me. Moving on, Ann picked up that I had some kind of fungus growing in me in the womb and after I was born and that my mother had the same fungus. She said the fungus grew into candida and caused food allergies in both my mother and I. My mother picked up the fungus in St. Louis before she moved and it was given to me in the womb. Can you say the beginning of our Celiacs? After working on me a bit more, Ann then went on to say that it seems like I had a very small amount of the fungus left inside my body and asked if I had recently done any cleansing or changed my diet. Well those of you who have been reading know that I have done both. She then went and tested every organ until it was determined that the remaining fungus was hiding in my tailbone..of all places. That was the last place I would have looked! She explained that we would release the reminance of the fungus during our cranial session. Ann then went on to discuss pregnancy and my diagnosis. She asked me if I believed my diagnosis was accurate and I said no. She said there was no negative charge so that was true, she then stopped and asked me what I thought the problem was and that I knew what it was. I said it was my birth control pills and again there was no negative charge. She asked if I believed I was going to get pregnant on my own and there was no negative charge. As I was explaining my feelings I said the word pregnant on my own and she felt a negative charge. We talked about why I had bad feelings toward the word and she explained that my body believed I could get pregnant on my own so I needed to as well. I also needed to let go of the trauma that occurred during my birth. Next we went through and tested my hormones which seemed almost perfect and Ann told me to stop taking the supplements I had recently started taking because they weren’t needed (my milk thistle I had started only three weeks before). She then told me not to worry about lab results I would be getting soon that the results would be very close to 0% (my FSH test being taken today). After she was done working on me she had me lay on a table so she could release the negative emotions from my spine. I know right about now you are rolling your eyes and thinking this is a bunch of psychic crapola. She put her hands on the back of my head where my spine meets my skull and explained that she was going to be releasing spinal fluid that is trapped and that is how the left over fungus and bottled up emotions would be released. As she pressed in, I felt a pain move from the back of my head to the front of my head and closed my eyes and relaxed for a minute. Ann kept repeating that I needed to let go of the emotions having to do with my mother and forget the diagnosis that it was wrong. After about 15 minutes the treatment was done. Ann scheduled a call for us the second week in August for a follow up. She said she wanted to hear about my periods and my test results and that everything was going to be fine. She had been doing this for over 30 years and to trust her. Then we went over the notes from the testing and she wrote out a few things for me to be sure and tell my mother one of which was that she had saved my life and that she was still carrying the fungus that caused my celiacs. I left feeling better and trying to picture the emotions releasing…yes I am aware that I sound like a crazy person. I talked to my mom on the way home and she confirmed most of what Ann had read from me about her pregnancy with me and her feelings towards me getting pregnant. The longer I spoke with my mom, the better I felt about what Ann had said. I went to sleep that night believing that everything was going to be fine and I still do.
Now I know this is completely ridiculous but I woke up that next day fully expecting to start the period from hell. The emotions had all been released so bring on the flood. That is so not fair to expect such instant gratification but what can I say, a year and a half of waiting has made me impatient, haven’t I been patient enough. Instead of a period, I had the headache from hell that seemed to reach from the back of my head to my forehead and it lasted all day. It was a good thing I had a company golf tournament and didn’t have to sit at a desk with the headache but I am horrible at golf and was more entertainment for my group then a group member. I swung and missed so many times, if it were baseball I would have done great but unfortunately the golf ball can sit as high as the baseball when you hit it. As the day passed and I didn’t feel or see any sign of a period I got more and more upset. By the time I met my husband at the gym, I was just about breakdown ready. He immediately read that in my face and asked if we were fighting and I just told him that I was upset and that it was stupid for me to be upset. He replied with “well your hormones seem to be all over the place so maybe its not that stupid”. He was right, I was on the verge of tears and had been emotional all day. Perhaps a period was about to appear in the next few days? Satisfied with that, I worked out and snapped out of my mood. I made dinner and we were relaxing on the couch when the phone started to ring and ring and ring. It was my husband’s aunt calling to inform the family that my husband’s great uncle had passed away. His wife had passed away just a few years before and he had not been well since. He passed away at the age of 60 which is not very old. It got me thinking about all of the people that have passed away so closely to their significant other passing away. They are so linked that they can’t survive without one another. This made what Ann said about my mother and I so much more believable. If people not even from the same blood line can be so connected that they physically cannot live without one another then most I could most definitely have a connection to my mother from the womb. As I got ready to go to sleep, I repeated all of the issues Ann had released from my body and begged my body to release them and move on. I also repeated 0% FSH a few times….figured it wouldn’t hurt. I woke up in an instant to my husband’s alarm clock and immediately yelled “Crap!” My alarm hadn’t gone off at 4:30 which meant that I was waking up an hour late and had to get ready in 30 minutes! I managed to get ready and tried not to stress since I was having blood drawn for an FSH test at 11:00. Work went by quickly and I didn’t even have time to think about the blood test. As I drove to the doctor’s office I thought about some true stories my mother and sister in law had shared with me the day before. The stories involved women who had received negative home pregnancy test results but were actually pregnant. One even carrying the baby 7 months before finding out. I decided I would ask for an additional blood test to see if I was pregnant. Wouldn’t that be great if I was pregnant and didn’t know it?

Turns out, a blood pregnancy test detects the same thing that a home pregnancy test does, HCG, so they didn’t take blood for that but they did run one vile for an FSH test which I will get back next Monday. I know it will be good…just don’t know how good it will be. I hope it’s as close to zero it can be without it being to low!

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Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.