All the Time in the World

The rest of the evening was surprisingly peaceful. I went to see Cheri (Mrs. W) against the advice of Ann (the kinisiologist). I wanted to go and talk to her and get her opinion on what she thought was going on with my body. When I arrived at her office, she was taking another patient back for a colonic so she suggested I do a long session on the Mignun bed and then we could talk when she was done. As I laid down, my eyes were filled up with tears as I tried to hold them back. I had already had one emotional outburst earlier that day when the nurse told me my results. Wanting to avoid having to apologize to a second person for my out of control emotions, I pushed back the tears and laid down. I was glad I was able to lay on the message bed for so long. I completely relaxed and fell asleep for brief moments. When it was time for us to talk, I felt much better and emotionally stable. We talked about my results from the kinisiologist reading and what Cheri thought of them and how I felt about them. We also talked about my recent test results. Cheri explained that when a person starts cleansing (whether it be through meditating, kinesiology, colonics, yoga, acupuncture or change in diet) the body has to be worse before it can get better. When you start doing any of these things, you have to “stir up the bad stuff” in order to get it up and out. This is why, she thinks, I had a higher FSH result then I had last time. Since the last blood test, I started the diet change and all of the cleansing and had a kinesiology reading only two days before the blood draw. What Cheri was saying made sense to me. Like cleaning for example, you know how when you first start organizing a room it can look worse then when you started? But as you put things away and organize slowly but surely the room gets cleaned? That is kind of what I am doing right now, slowly re-organizing and restoring order to my “messy room” otherwise known as my body. Cheri also explained that although you should listen to your doctors and get results of tests, they shouldn’t be the end all be all. We all have the ability to listen to our bodies. Cravings, dreams and aches and pains are all examples of ways our bodies talk to us. She said that if I didn’t want to take a test, then I shouldn’t take it. The human mind (subconscious) is a strong thing. We talked about this in great detail as I explained my regrets on going to the doctor when I first went off the pill and taking a blood test. I told her that I believed that once they told me I had “premature ovarian failure and that I wouldn’t have kids with my eggs” that it had been engraved into my brain and that until recently I wasn’t sure how to get it out. It wasn’t until yesterday when I finally got angry that I truly felt inside and out that my diagnosis was incorrect and that what is going on was caused by my taking birth control for over 10 years and my celiacs (genetic or not). I decided right then and there that the appointment with the fertility specialist on August 6th was going to be cancelled. My husband and I were not ready for the next step anyway. He is still against using a strangers eggs and I believe that if we wait for my body to repair itself, we will have plenty of eggs. Heck, maybe I will donate eggs after going through this whole ordeal? I need to get healthy and both my husband and I need to be in a better place financially. Next, Cheri and I discussed that as our bodies start to shut down, they do so in stages. First, it shuts down systems that are not essential for survival. One of those is the reproductive system. Although they are nice to have, functioning ovaries are not essential to live and breathe every day so that is why my reproductive system shut down instead of say my digestive system. Then we discussed how in Cheri’s experience (30 plus years), it typically takes about a year to reverse most damage made to the body unless you are working with cancer or another extremely serious illness and then it typically takes about 2 years. She promised me that I wouldn’t regret sticking with the cleansing and diet changes and we discussed me only coming once a week since I felt twice a week was too much and how important meditation and breathing were. Cheri explained how she handles stress in her every day life. For example, yesterday morning she was presented with an unexpected bill, as she got in her car she felt her body tense up and her heart race, she took a deep breath and said to herself that she was ready and accepted whatever came her way to help her pay the bill. A few hours later, she received a call from a new client which would help pay that bill. As I listened to her explain how she deals with stress, I thought about how I truly believe that if you accept things the way they are and believe things will work out, they will. I believe that if you play the victim all the time and are always expecting the worst, then the worst will come find you. Havent you ever noticed that bad things always seem to happen over and over again to the same people? There is a reason for that? If all you see is negative, how is a positive going to be noticed? During our conversation, I realized that I wasn’t sure why I wanted to have children right now, so badly. I think it is really something I was thinking about when I went off the pill and when the doctors told me it was something I couldn’t do and what seems like all of my loved ones started getting pregnant, it went from something that I was thinking about doing to something I just had to do. Like when you are on a diet and trying not to eat sweets. You go for a few days of avoiding all tasty treats and then one morning you wake up laying next to an empty ice cream carton and spoon. As soon as someone tells us we can’t do something, it’s like our subconscious immediately just has to do it. Yes, I am a woman and most of us have this motherly instinct and yes it’s something I would like to eventually do in my life but now that I think about it, it’s not something I honestly want to do right this second. My husband and I are not truly ready to be parents right now. I have quite a bit of debt (from my failed shopping therapy) and we are currently living with my in-laws until we decide what city we want to live in. So with not much money, no house and an un-healthy reproductive system, I can see why the universe wouldn’t want to align the stars (so to speak) for us right now. True, many babies have been born into way worse conditions but I like to think someone up there knows what’s best for me and now is not the time. My husband is almost three years younger then me and yesterday was only our two year wedding anniversary, so we have time. As my discussion with Cheri came to an end, I decided that for now, I no longer cared about getting pregnant. My main focus was going to be to restore my reproductive system and have periods every month. Once I got to that point, then maybe I would think about having children. So to all my organs I cursed yesterday, I do need you but I understand you need me too. Let’s just put yesterday behind us, I am very sorry and I know you are doing the best you can with what you have. My husband didn’t utter one word about my bad test result last night which I was grateful for but I know he is upset. His mother waited for him to go to bed and told me that he was really upset but felt like things were going to be ok. Before she went up to her bedroom, she patted me on the shoulder and for the first time in a long time, I realized that I actually believed it was all going to work out. I will heal my body, restore my reproductive system and become a monthly buyer of Playtex products. People have healed there bodies and brought them back from much worse, it is just going to take more then three months to reverse over 10 years of damage. So “patience young skywalker” and “may the force be with you”. Take a deep breath and relax, I have all the time in the world so I need to enjoy it and stop focusing on something I’m not even ready for right now.