My Story

Hi there, welcome to my blog. Yes I am a drama queen and yes I have been deemed “infertile” by a few of the medical experts in the great State of Colorado but that hasn’t made me give up my quest to have children quite yet. My husband and I have been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility since March of 2009 when I stopped taking birth control after being on it for ten straight years. I have been keeping a journal since the start of this process and thought I would share it with all of the other incredible women out there who may be going through the same thing or similar thing that I am. At age 28, I have been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). With no history of fertility problems on either side of my family and normal periods before going on the pill, I was left to accept that I have this condition and that there is no medical explanation for it. Since receiving this diagnosis from a fertility specialist in May 2009, I decided I simply wasn’t going to accept that I wasn’t going to have children with my own eggs. I jumped into the world of Eastern Medicine, worked with an Endocrinologist and even went on a fertility diet trying to get my ovaries to start functioning normally. The conclusion I have come to is this…..having Celiac Disease (Gluten/Flour intolerance) and continuing to eat flour throughout most of my childhood and part of adulthood caused my body to produce anti-bodies that have now started attacking the organs/glands in my body. After a visit to an endocrinologist in December 2009, it was determined that I have ovarian antibodies which are essentially antibodies produced by my body that only attack the endocrine system. No doctor has actually confirmed my self diagnosis that the Gluten Intolerance caused this but Celiac Disease is an auto immune disorder and any auto immune disorder can cause your body to attack itself. I am currently waiting to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see what the next steps for me will be. I have read that doctors can try and stimulate the Pituitary Gland to get your Endocrine System running again or that you can be given steroids to help restore ovary function. I am hoping to receive one of these treatments in the near future but only time will tell. In the past 10 months, I have watched many of my close friends become pregnant while I remain a sad statistic. This blog contains my thoughts as I struggle through the process of figuring out what in the world is going on with my body and how I continue to try to stay upbeat and positive about my fertility and enjoy my life. I hope that my blog can help others would love to hear from other women going through the same thing, inspiring stories or anyone who just needs encouragement. I know and understand how difficult every day can be once you have received the POF or infertile diagnosis and want you all to know that I am here for you. Please note that some of you may feel I am sharing to much information (TMI) and for that I am sorry. If you want to read my blog…you get all the details. You never know what will be helpful to someone else right? God bless everyone and I wish you luck on your fertility adventures:0) Remember mind over matter!

My intent is to raise awareness of the issues. Please do not rely on this or any other article when making decisions that will affect you and your health. These are things I have decided to try after much research.
I am sorry I have to even ask, but this research stuff is starting to get expensive. I am just asking for $1.00 donation for posts you feel have helped you. I will use all donations to help fund my research and doctors appointments and of course report back to you. Baby dust to all of you and dont worry we will all find a way to have children.

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Save the carrot shaving from your juicer and make carrot cake or carrot muffins yummy! You can also save them to put in a salad.

Infertile – a horrible word used to make women who are already feeling bad about themselves want to jump into a pool of chocolate fudge and eat their sorrows away only to realize that not only can they not get pregnant but now they don’t fit in their clothes. A word so easily tossed around by doctors that they don’t even realize they are saying it and a word that you never under any circumstances should google unless you want your brain to explode.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

To Option Number 2 Please….and Step On It!

I just got the results and I am sad to report that I am sitting here crying in my office again!!! Deva vu to last May when I received the news that changed my world as I knew it. My FSH went back up from 43 to an 87! WTF???? I have been doing all the right things. Keeping a good attitude, drinking wheatgrass everyday, juicing every morning, working out. This is not fair! The frustrating thing is that I know my body has been healing and been trying to ovulate. Even as I write this, I have a strange cramp in my lower abdomen?? It’s just that I don’t know what is the correct date to draw blood for the FSH test since I don’t have a period or a normal cycle. If I don’t know what is the best date to test, I will never get a low enough test result for any fertility specialist to let me use my eggs in an IVF procedure or harvest them. My number results are all over the place because my body has been doing different things at each time blood has been drawn. The average woman’s FSH fluctuates up and down on a daily basis depending where they are in their cycle. I am not letting this get me down (at least after I finish this crying spell). It is simply one blood test result out of the hundreds I will get over my lifetime. After I get this cry out of my system, I will not get upset about it again. I will not play the victim, victim’s are the ones who accept a bad diagnosis or a bad test result and let it run their lives. I will just re-read “Making a baby” and start eating every food the book mentions to help with fertility. I will start doing things like drinking and running that I want to do and live my life like I want just with a few dietary changes. If a baby is meant to be in my life, it will come. I will start having an occasional drink with the hubby, eating chips with my salsa (as long as they are gluten free) and running in the afternoon. These are just a few off the huge list of things I have given up on my quest to have a baby. It’s gotten to the point now that I am taking the same approach I used to use when deciding on whether or not to stay in a relationship (when I was single). Either this person wants me the way I am, as me or they should go find someone else. So either my future child wants to grow inside of me and have me as their mother the way I am or they don’t. An occasional drink here and there, snack full of carbs or a little cardio is going to affect that decision then I don’t want to be a mother. I deserve to enjoy life a little, you only live once and for the past year and a half I have lived my one life to live in a glass box watching everyone around me enjoy themselves. Either the stars will align and my fertility will improve or it won’t. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; I am officially pissed off and tired of this crap. If my ovaries want to keep taking monthly siesta’s fine! Mother nature or Aunt flow whichever you prefer to be called….if you don’t want to come visit then fine. You tend to be a messy house guest so at least I wont have to clean up after you. As for my brain, if you would stop thinking about crap that doesn’t matter (like how to get back at the person that just cut us off) and concentrate on the functions you are supposed to be taking care of maybe things would be different. We have a serious focus issue. Even as I am trying to write this, all I can think about is how good the dried cranberries in my salad look. How can I expect you to focus if I can’t do it and I am the one controlling you??? The point is, this girl, excuse me, woman is tired of this whole thing. It’s been a year and a half and today’s results put the “D” in DONE. I am done waiting for my body to work. FSH, I will be walking into the fertility specialist’s office two weeks from now and telling them to give me the drugs to lower you. You refuse to do it yourself so now I am going to force you. Then ovaries, I will be using someone elses eggs to try and get pregnant. You officially have no purpose so go ahead and continue sleeping….it’s not like I have any use for you anyway, you have been replaced. That’s right, I am ready for donor eggs so am officially exploring the second option….now I just need to convince the hubby. I am also going to get re-tested for Celiacs. I have been thinking that maybe there is some truth to what the kinesiologist said last week. Perhaps I am not allergic to Gluten and have taken it out of my diet when I shouldn’t have thus starving my body of some important nutrients. If not, then I guess I will continue to eat gluten free. I really need to jog right now..why can’t it be 3:30 PM so I can get out of here?

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Reading Materials/Other Items That Have Helped Me

  • Inconceivable
  • Making Babies by Sami S. David, MD & Jill Blakeway, LAc
  • pre-seed Fertility-friendly Intimate Moisturizer
  • restoring fertility - yoga for optimal fertility dvd - you can feel it working!
  • Taking Charge for Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH
  • The Infertility Cure by Randin Lewis, Ph. D.