Horray for Vacay!

One day until the hubby and I are on vacay! We are so excited to take a 5 day break from reality. Healthwise, I have been feeling amazing. I have tons of energy and I feel genuinely happy…not like I am pretending to be happy. I have had a little cramping this week but nothing like last week and my temperature has been the same the last two days, 96.9. After the breast tenderness and extreme cramping last week, I decided to go to the drug store and get a HPT. While I was there, I decided to pick up a box of the Instead Softcups, I wrote about last week. The HP test was negative but I wasn’t upset. I know the symptoms I had last week were a sign that something good is happening and that is enough for me right now. After taking the test, I opened the box of soft cups and I have to admit that I am not sure I can insert them in or take them out. They look like an oversized condom with a pink plastic rim around the top. The whole thing seems a bit intrusive to me. I don’t think I am quite desperate enough to violate myself so for now, I will not be putting in a soft cup after intercourse. I know I should just suck it up but I really feel like inserting the cups would officially suck all of the fun out of sex for my husband and I. Imagine me asking him to hold me steady while I try and put in the cup when we could be snuggling and relaxing together. Enough is enough and this is where I draw the line..at least for now. I continue to be amazed at Eastern Medicine and the power we have to heal ourselves. Last night, after kickboxing, I stopped by the book store to pick up a book for my book club. While I was there, I decided to stop by the women’s health section and see if there was a new book on treating infertility I just couldn’t live without. There was a gentlemen standing in the Alternative Medicine section directly to the right of the Women’s Health section who immediately asked if I was a yoga instructor as I walked up. I smiled and said “no” but that I practice yoga and really believe in the healing power it has over the body. Inside I was secretly feeling good about myself. Before walking into the store, I thought twice about walking in with my yoga pants on feeling like my butt was to big to wear pants like that anywhere but the gym or in my basement while doing laundry….but now I suddenly felt like I was in shape. There is no point to this part of the story except to make myself feel skinny again……anyway the man and I started talking about our experiences with Eastern medicine. About 3 years ago, he was in a very bad car accident, broke three vertebrae in his spine and was told he was paralyzed from the waist down. Refusing to accept this diagnosis, he immediately dove into research on alternative medicine and started seeing a Kinesiologist and Acupuncturist. Three years later, he is standing beside me in the bookstore that he walked into and is studying to become a Kinesiologist. I was amazed at his story and all the more encouraged that I was on the right path to restoring my fertility. Another story my acupuncturist told me is regarding an older gentlemen who lost his hearing in one of his ears. The man decided to start seeing an acupuncturist after having it suggested to him by a medical provider. During his first treatment, he was told to message his ear a certain way a few times a day and get acupuncture treatments regularly. Due to money constraints, the man was unable to go back for another treatment for months but continued with the daily ear massages. When he returned for another acupuncture treatment almost 6 months after his first treatment, his hearing problem had vanished and he could hear out of both ears! I promise I am not in any way exaggerating. These two stories are completely true, I swear! Just proof that the human body is amazing and if you give your body the proper care, you never know what could happen. Well I am off to finish the work day. I will try to write while in Vegas but can’t promise anything. I hope that I have good news for you guys…maybe that I encountered the big “O”…calm down sickos it’s what you are thinking! I am hoping that I will ovulate this week. I can feel my body healing, starting to produce the hormones, mature follicles and I feel incredible. It’s nothing but smooth sailing from here boys and girls, I can feel it my bones.

When You Wish Upon A Star.........

Checklist:
A new kickboxing class to help get my frustrations out
A new found love for eating things that are good for me
Cramps for a whole week …and nothing more :0(
Only a few more days until vacation!


First I must tell you that I have found a new obsession….other then my blog of course! I attended a free kick boxing class at a boxing facility by my house last night and just loved it. I came out of the class feeling like a new woman. As I punched and kicked the bag, I was thinking “take that infertility” and “take that high FSH”! I am not normally a violent person but I am telling you, hitting things (as long as your doing it a socially acceptable way) really makes you feel better. I talked it over with my husband, and I am going to cancel my other gym membership so I can continue going to kickboxing. I am really excited to purchase my membership! So hiyah! Watch out infertility, I am going to fight you in more ways then one now! Throughout most of the day yesterday, I had some cramping in my lower left abdomen and I noticed it again as I was getting out of my car to go to class. I wondered if I was pregnant but then reminded myself that I hadn’t had what appeared to be fertile CM for quite some time and my temperatures had been the same for almost two weeks now and who knows what they were before I started keeping track again. Regardless, some cramping is sign of life in there, and I perfectly ok with that! I know things are going to be different in 2010! After the kickboxing class, I noticed that the pain over my left ovary was worse. The pain convinced me to purchase a home pregnancy test on my way home from work today. I should probably make sure before we go to Las Vegas next week anyway. Trying to relieve the cramping, I got my heating pad out and laid it on my abdomen while I watched my Thursday night shows. After about an hour with the heating pad on, I took it off and did some of the massages mentioned in “The Infertility Cure”. As I drug my hands in a circle over my lower stomach, I noticed there were lumps of tissue or something I could feel. This scared me at first but as I felt around, I kind of played with the lumps and decided that this was just fatty tissue. It is definitely something I will mention during my annual next month though….don’t want to mess around with lumps. What a horrible word “lump” is. Yesterday, while trying to keep myself busy, I decided to look up some natural ways of lowering FSH numbers. I was surprised to see that I was already doing many of the suggestions. Wheatgrass is known to help lower FSH numbers and can be taken in tablet or liquid form. You would think that being Gluten Intolerant, I couldn’t take Wheatgrass but there is actually no wheat in it. Funny huh? I am currently taking one Wheatgrass tablet every morning. Acupuncture, femoral massage and yoga are all also known to help lower FSH because they allow the blood to move more freely into the ovaries which in turn, helps to stimulate the follicles. This keeps the pituitary gland from releasing to much of the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) allowing the reading in your blood to go down. Getting the blood to circulate to the ovaries more easily with lower FSH and improve quality of the eggs in the ovaries. I am going to continue doing all of these things and take my calcium and anti-oxidant vitamins every day. I have noticed that I am not able to sleep very easily anymore. I am wondering if this is a reaction from stopping the progesterone supplements? I just lay awake at night and feel like all of a sudden I have a ton of energy that I didn’t used to have. It is either the absence of my beloved progesterone supplements or a result of my new organic lifestyle. Perhaps eating really healthy is giving me more benefits then I realized and my poor diet was making me tired before making the switch. I feel even more inspired today then I did last week! I can feel myself getting healthier and for the first time in a long time truly feel happy and at peace with things. I think that is because I know that no matter how I have to go about it…pregnancy could be rounding the corner for me in May. I hope that my FSH has lowered enough by May 7th for the fertility specialist to allow my eggs to be extracted. That would be so amazing! What would be even more amazing is if my husband and I could walk into the appointment with the fertility specialist pregnant and ask for help with the high risk pregnancy. This is what I dream about every night….and as I learned from Walt Disney…dreams can come true.

Top of the morning and Softcups!

The snow day was so nice. Even though I worked from home, there is just something about being able to stay in your comfy sweats and have your dogs on your lap while you work on spreadsheets or make phone calls. I tried to relax as much as humanly possible yesterday. It is not easy for me to relax, I am wound up pretty tight and that is how I work best….unfortunately that is not good for my body…especially in the fertility department. I worked out on my elliptical while watching CSI and then completed a 45 minute fertility yoga session to try and jump start ovulation. I love the yoga DVD I use because a few minutes after I finish each session, I get cramps so I can actually feel my body benefiting from practicing yoga which is really rewarding. CM was clear but not very abundant yesterday which is a bit frustrating after having a good amount on Tuesday. My temperature this morning was 97.6 and I woke up with cramps and a headache…I’m not complaining…just trying to give you the facts! I remember reading that both headaches and PMS symptoms, like cramps, can be symptoms of pregnancy but I don’t know if that could be possible yet. I have had cervical mucus though..hmm? Either way, I welcome cramps any day because they make me feel “normal”…whatever that means? Being home yesterday allowed me to do some research on how to increase my chances of conceiving and I found a few things I am going to try out that I thought were worth sharing so here it goes….. According to an article I read on www.justmommies.com, 1. Having sex in the morning can increase a couples’ chance of conceiving. This is because a man’s sperm count is the highest in the morning and the morning is also the time of day that most men have the highest sexual interest…so I guess I will be calling in late a little more often in the next couple of months?? 2. Evening Primrose Oil is an oil (no kidding?) produced from a wildflower and has been used for many years for things like natural labor induction and fertility. This oil is said to improve the quality of CM (cervical mucus) which is essential to allowing semen to swim to the fertilized egg. 3. and this one is such a good idea….The article suggests inserting an Instead Softcup into the vagina (yes I just typed vagina) after intercourse, will help keep semen close to the cervix longer. This will allow more sperm to reach the fertilized egg and increase your chances for conceiving. Until recently, Softcups were only used during periods but women in the United States have found a new use for them…and it works. Instead, the maker of the cups has had an overload of emails from women telling their success stories. Something else suggested in an advertisement I found for the Softcups is “directly depositing” semen into one of the cups and then inserting the cup into the vagina. This to me sounds more like a science experiment and would most likely take the fun out of baby making for my husband and I. I mean if you have to worry where the cup is the whole you are “doing it”, then hold the cup in the perfect position to catch the little guys and then insert it up into your cervix while trying not to spill…yep it’s official that would be a definite mood killer. Am I saying we wont try it if we still aren’t pregnant in a few months? No! We will be more desperate by then. . Anyway, it looks like most drug stores have Instead Softcups…who knew there was even such a thing? Here is a link to the article on boosting your fertility, I am going to try the few things I have just mentioned, who knows maybe they will help? http://www.justmommies.com/getting-pregnant/boost-your-chances-getting-pregnant/7-fertility-aids-secret-tips-from-moms. Well I going to get to work now. Just wanted to mention that while I was writing about the Softcups above, I had a sharp pain in my lower abdominal area and at the same time had a pain in my right breast. Kind of weird huh? Wonder what the heck my body is doing in there?? I hope it is something good :0)

Holy snow!

Holy snow! We were hit with a blizzard over night so this morning I am sitting here working from home in my pjs. Snow Day!!! I am not proud that I already ruined my organic diet. Yesterday for lunch, I went to Cheesecake Factory with some friends from work and decided that I would split the gluten free Godiva cheesecake with someone. I ended up eating over half the piece and let me tell you it was amazing! For all of you GF people, if you have a Cheesecake Factory near you, you must go and try the Chocolate Gluten Free Godiva Cake! It is a small piece of what I imagine heaven would taste like. I decided that after my binge eating at lunch that I would not be eating anything but a banana for dinner and that was just so I could take my vitamins. That ended up being a good decision because about 30 minutes after my husband and I got home from work, we lost power in our home for about two hours. He ended up having turkey sandwiches for dinner and I, of course, had a banana. We decided to practice making a baby until the power came back on and then we fought over what we were going to watch. He has something against American Idol and I am so tired of watching House Hunters International which is his new obsession. I have no interest in watching people who have a ton of more money then me, purchase an awesome home in some awesome place like Italy or Australia. I am perfectly happy with my own life, unless I am reminded that I don’t have one like that and for this reason, House Hunters International makes me sad. I usually end up watching it because I get tired of fighting over the control and Idol this year isn’t what it used to be…I am sorry to say. With the exception of a couple of the contestants, they are all pitchy and sound like they are at a karaoke bar. I am not saying I can sing as good as them (even though I do take a stab at it occasionally on my American Idol Wii game), I am just saying that if you are competing for a record contract it needs to be better then karaoke bar quality don’t you think? All day yesterday my boobs hurt, I had cramps and I had thin, clear CM. I am very interested to see what happens today. My temperature was at 97.6 today which is a little higher then yesterday and when I was doing the ovarian message last night, every time I rubbed near my left ovary I would get a sharp cramp in the middle of my lower abdomen…kind of weird right? I can feel my body trying to ovulate and I hope it is successful. Well I can hear the Chihuahuas tearing something up they shouldn’t have so I guess I better end this and go yell at them.

You are what you believe....

I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the gym this morning after what happened yesterday. Just thinking about that woman falling, blood spraying everywhere and the sight of her laying there convulsing with her eyes open just gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. My husband laughed when I told him that, he said “it’s not like she died”, but to me that incident just makes that place have bad vibes this morning…that and I just didn’t feel like running after not getting much sleep. My lack of sleep is for two reasons….1. The toilet in our master bathroom has something wrong with it and sounds like a dripping faucet. The sound of dripping toilet water was driving me crazy last night! I almost grabbed one of my husband’s baseball bats and went after the stupid toilet….but I decided to get up early instead. The other reason for my lack of sleep is my fault. I decided to call the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office yesterday since I hadn’t heard anything regarding my lab results. When I was transferred to a nurse, I decided that along with inquiring about my lab results, I would also ask if they could tell what stage of my monthly cycle I was in from my ultrasound. I should have just stuck with what the actual doctor told me because the nurse’s opinion was completely different…and not in a good way. First of all she kept saying that the doctor couldnt find my right ovary and it was left ovary that was blocked by my bowels. Second, she said that my ovary was listed as small in conclusion with my POF/POI diagnosis but the doctor had said my ovary was a normal size. Third, she said the lining of my uterus was way to thin for an embryo to attach so there is no way I could get pregnant but the doctor said I could most definitely get pregnant. The nurse answered every question except the first one I had asked which is “what stage of ovulation am I currently in.” Due to the fact that I haven’t had a period since November, the doctors don’t know what to think. I could be one of those people who don’t bleed at all because I don’t build up a lining in my uterus or I could be one of those people who bleed every couple of months. There is no way to know what stage of ovulation my body is in because I haven’t had a bleed in a few months. The nurse did however state that my follicles appeared large which is how they would look if I had just had a period. Here is my question though, how do they measure whether a follicle is considered large or small? Couldn’t it be different for each person’s ovaries? I didn’t ask the nurse this out loud, I just listened to what she had to say, told her I would stop taking the thyroid supplement (lab results confirmed that I don’t need them) and hung up. I am glad I called and spoke to the nurse though because that just proves to me that every doctor/nurse has their own opinions on the female reproductive system. Now more then ever, I feel that we control what our bodies can and can not do….not the doctors. I believe that the more negative information we hear about our bodies, the more we believe it and that is what causes our bodies to not perform basic essential tasks it should be able to. It’s just like anything else, if all you hear is negative information; you are eventually going to believe it. I was told this time last year that I had _NO eggs left and I would never have another period…well here we are one year later. I have had two periods and currently have follicles sitting in my ovaries. All I am saying is that doctors just don’t know what our bodies are capable of. The power of mind over matter can achieve so much more then modern medicine. If none of you have read “Inconceivable” you really need to. This book is about a woman trying to get pregnant, who is told it isn’t possible to have a natural pregnancy. She launches into self discovery mode, goes on an organic diet and starts doing yoga. She ends up having a perfectly healthy baby. In this book, they also discuss how there are women in Native American tribes who have perfectly healthy babies way past the age of 50. They state that this is because they are brought up to believe that their bodies are amazing and that they are for producing children. These women are not given any information on what their bodies can do only to a certain age so their bodies are able to produce babies with no problems. I guess the moral of my posting today is that we are all products of our environment. If you believe all the negative things you hear from your doctors about your health then I guess it is true but if you choose to accept only what you want to then you never know what could happen. This week I can actually feel my ovaries trying to work. I know this sounds strange but every time I press in the acupuncture seeds in my ear, I can feel my body trying to heal. Occasionally I get sharp pains in one of my ovaries and I have cramps and breast tenderness this morning which are both good signs! My temperatures have gone from being 97 one day to 98 the next to staying steady around 97. I am going to believe in my ovaries and the rest of my body, stay on my healthy diet, cut down to one soft drink a week…ok maybe two, and continue practicing my yoga and meditation. I know that things are going to continue to improve. I have failed my body in the past by not believing in it and for that I am sorry…Sorry ovaries! Well we are now on the same team so watch out! I called the fertility specialist’s office yesterday on my way home just to see if they might be able to extract my eggs…now that I have them….you know the ones they said I didn’t have (sorry I am feisty today). The nurse I spoke to said that if my FSH was below a certain level and I responded to the drugs they would give me before extracting my eggs, then they could definitely extract them. I have decided that this is going to be my goal. Believe in my body, get healthy enough to where the fertility specialist will offer to extract my eggs and then my husband and I can make that decision. Here is my opinion on the whole “egg extraction” thing. We can always extract eggs, have them frozen and then see if we can conceive on our own. If we don’t, then we will have our eggs to use for Plan B instead of using a complete strangers. I don’t think we will need it though, my body is ready to conceive on it’s own but it is never bad to have a plan b. If I don’t use the eggs, I will donate them to someone who does. I am ending this post with another letter to my ovaries. Dear ovaries, I can feel you trying to come back full time. I believe in you and the work you can do and hope that you continue to fight. I have seen your work in the past and know how excellent it can be. I know you are back! That ultrasound was amazing and it will keep me believing in you even if every doctor in the state tells me I shouldn’t. It’s just the five of us fighting this war (2 ovaries, 1 uterus, 1 brain and me) and we are going to win, I can feel it.




I want to say congrats to a great friend (let’s just call her “S”) who just found out she is pregnant. I am so happy for you guys! To the proud parents of baby Quinn, I hope you get to take your baby home soon! I have been thinking about you guys and cant wait to meet her! To my cousin, it’s almost over! Just a few more weeks and I promise you will have your gift by the end of the week! Remember everyone mind of matter!

Dear Ovaries....I hope you start producing...I am counting on you

So, my faith in the human race is quickly deteriorating. I was finishing my run on the track at the gym this morning when I came around a corner just in time to see a woman who was climbing off an elliptical, pass out. As she was climbing off the machine she lost consciousness, went into a dead fall, hit her head on the weight machine next to the machine she had been on and was down in front of me. I ran over to the women, her eyes and mouth were wide open, she was shaking and there was blood and water all over the floor. She had cracked open her head on impact with the weight machine and dropped her water as she fell. I immediately leaped over the railing to the track and let the front desk know they needed to call the paramedics and then went back over to help. By then two other people were bent over her trying to help. I was amazed that as this woman fell, hit her head and started to shake…no one but myself and the two other people helping even flinched…and the gym was packed. There were actually people on the track who were jogging around her. All I could think is “what is wrong with these people!!??” Someone could have just died and they were all to concerned about keeping up their heart rates to even stop and make sure this woman was all right. When I had lept over the railing to tell the front desk, there was actually a man riding a bike and reading his newspaper who asked me what was going on and then just said “oh” after I told him and looked back down at his paper and continued on his bike merry little bike ride. Really? How would any of those people who didn’t act concerned feel if it were one of their loved ones that had fallen and no one seemed to care??? I am happy to report that the woman seemed to be fine. She re-gained consciousness and was talking and laughing as she was wheeled away by the paramedics. Even with the large, bed on wheels being pushed through the track to get to the elevator, people were still running around it. People amaze me! This incident at the gym caused me to be a bit behind this morning so I wasn’t able to grab breakfast at home before I left. As I walked into my work building, I decided to run into the convenience store on the first level and grab a banana for breakfast. I had thrown myself together and had my hair up in a pony tail (not even thinking about the seeds in my ears that were held in place with band aids as part of my acupuncture treatment). As I walked up to the register and handed the cashier the banana, she started talking to me almost yelling at me, “DO YOU NEED A RECEIPT?” I just smiled and said “No” and then she loudly said “OK”, “THANKS FOR COMING IN”. I was a bit confused as to why this woman would find the need to talk to me so loudly. I just let it go and rode the elevator up to my floor, “maybe she has a hearing problem” I thought to myself. I decided to stop for a potty break on my way in. As I walked into the bathroom, I checked out the thrown together look I was sporting in the mirror…and then it hit me. There in the reflection staring back at me were the band aids in my ear. I realized that the seeds kind of looked like a hearing aid…the cashier probably thought I had a hearing aid…and then it all made sense. I decided to take my hair down for the remainder of the day, no matter how horrible it looks. And now a brief update…Over the weekend my temperature stayed at 97.1 and this morning was 96.4….maybe this is the dip I have been waiting for before the peak in temperature??? Yesterday I didn’t have fertile CM but was encouraged at what I saw this morning before leaving for work. I still don’t have the stretchy stuff but I am keeping my fingers crossed. The ovaries and I talked on our ride into work today so I am encouraged they will pull through on their first major project since coming back from leave. Hope everyone has a great Monday!

It's beginning to look a lot Christmas......in March

Top of the mornin to ya!  It is very cold and snowy here today which is going to give me a perfect exuse to convince my husband we should go and walk around the mall. He will not be able to play golf or work in the garage with the 20 something temperature we have got going on today..so yeah shopping day!  I would like to discuss something I saw on t.v. recently, on one of my favorite shows.  First, let me say that I love this show and the women in it, in fact if I could pick a famous family to be a member of their would be it.  It's just one of the women on the show actually thought she could go horse back riding while being 5-6 months pregnant. Now, I have never been pregnant but I even know that you have to be careful to not take to bumpy of a ride in a car while being preggers so why in the world would this person think she could horse back ride??? So crazy to me.  Maybe it was just a momentary lapse in judement? This morning my temperature was again 97.1. I am anxiously awaiting for my temperature to soar one of these mornings and to see the stretchy cervical mucus....I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am having a lot of weird cramping so I have a feeling this is the month things are going to get "re-started"....yes I am singing the blacked eyes peas song again. "Let's get it started, let's get it started in here".  Hopefully Monday will bring a new week and will also include one of my posts with news that I have ovulated.  Dear ovaries, let's do this. I can feel you trying to spring life foward...so what are you waiting for? We have been waiting to do this since we started our relationship in the sixth grade!  Let's make up for lost time together and dig in right away.  Come on, I'll even take you to dinner tonight if you work hard today..okay? Just one more thing......welcome baby Q! You are so cute and I am so happy for your mommy and daddy! Get some sleep guys...you are going to need it :0)

Let's Get It Started!

First, I am sad to report that the blizzard that was supposed to come overnight didn’t hit until this morning, which means I am writing from my desk and not from my warm bed :0(. My temperature is still coming in at a steady 97.1. My temperatures have never been this steady since I started charting so this is very encouraging. My acupuncture appointment was great yesterday...thank you for asking. Carol, my acupuncturist, helped me to better understand where my body is in the ovulation process and where the follicles come from. When you have visible follicles in your ovaries that don’t appear to have burst, your body is starting a new cycle. The follicles that are in your ovaries will kind of compete to see who will mature first and release an egg. Occasionally more then one will mature and that is what happens with multiple births. I bet you are wondering where the follicles come from aren’t you? Well it was explained to me yesterday that when women are born, we are born with a follicle “pool” filled with all of the follicles we will ever have. Each month, certain follicles are chosen from the pool to move up into the ovaries and compete to see who will mature. Follicles that do not win the competition (do not want to call them losers because in my book…any follicle is a winner) go back into the pool to compete the next month...this must mean I have some sort of pool right? But I’m wondering if the pool is large enough to do laps in or just wade around in like in a kiddy pool? The fact that there have not been follicles in either of my ovaries in past ultrasounds must mean there is some sort of supply there….at least that is what I think. I mean, follicles don’t just appear from nowhere. According to what I learned from Carol at my appointment yesterday, I am going to assume that I should be ovulating…if things work correctly…within the next 5-7 days. This possibility is making it very hard to concentrate on anything but what my ovaries are doing and is making me want to drink a lot of water so I can run to the bathroom and check my cervical mucus. I knew I shouldn’t have thrown away all of my “time of the month” underwear but who knows maybe that was part of why things are working again. Throwing away the underwear could have been part of my letting go of the control and moving on. My acupuncture treatment was great and I have the acupuncture seeds in my ears to stimulate my entire endocrine system. I am to press them 3 times a day for about 30 seconds each. Did you know that there are over 200 acupuncture points in just our ears? Did you also know that practitioners of Traditional Chinese medicine can treat and/or diagnose just about any ailment you might have through your ear? Here is an article explaining ear acupuncture more in depth and I have also included a chart showing some but not all of the ear acupuncture points on the human ear. http://www.theacupuncturesuite.com/html/ear_acupuncture.html.

 Look at all of them, Chinese Medicine continues to amaze me. Ok enough about the seeds in my ear. I got home after my treatment and started cooking what was supposed to be my ovaries’ welcome back dinner…yes my husband and I decided to have a dinner in honor of them…if you think this is weird…wait until I have a period and we have a christening for the first tampon..just kidding I would never do that. My husband walked in, started munching on the guacamole I had made for him and turned on college basketball. I had been thinking to myself most of the day and wanted to know his opinion on whether or not he thought I should try and get some eggs extracted while things appeared to be working. That was originally my plan..try to get things working to where I could get some of my eggs extracted just in case. Well when I asked him, you would have thought I was accusing him of having an affair or something. He immediately got really angry and stressed. He asked “how could you ask me something like that, like it is nothing? Like it is just a small procedure like a teeth cleaning?” We ended up fighting for the better part of an hour. He was convinced that I was just looking for ways to stress him out and I was trying to convince him that I was just trying to be pro-active and wanted his opinion without him getting angry. After pushing the pan I was cooking dinner to the side and turning off the stove and stomped upstairs to get away and calm myself down so that I didn’t loose the effects of my acupuncture treatment. I started putting together a gift for my cousin and once that was done I started going through paint samples for the walls in our extra bedroom. While completing these two tasks it hit me, I have just become so numb to all of the fertility talk that it just doesn’t affect me like it does my husband. I literally live and breathe this stuff every day, I live for researching every new method, supplement or massage that could help my body heal. I am able to write about mucus, temperatures, ultrasounds and many other fertility related subjects without even thinking twice so it is hard for me to remember that through our fertility journey my husband has been doing the complete opposite of what I have been doing….he has been acting like it isn’t happening. I am not saying he hasn’t been supportive, it’s just that in order for him to cope with what has been going on, he doesn’t focus on it as much as I do. That is why I didn’t think anything of asking him about egg retrieval while we were making dinner and also why I was confused and frustrated at his reaction. You mean my eggs are not an appropriate dinner conversation? How about your sperm then?? It was decided that we were going to just enjoy our marriage and each other until our appointment with the fertility specialist in May. If we are not pregnant by then and I have not had a period (complete cycle) by that appointment then he said he would consider egg retrieval. I really feel like we will be pregnant by then but I feel comforted knowing that option two is waiting in the distance for us if we need it. It was also decided that we would be going out to dinner since I had thrown our dinner across the stove while trying to make a dramatic exit during our fight….seemed like a good idea at the time. We went to a local Mexican place for a much needed margarita, some more guacamole and tacos. As we were sitting there eating dinner, I felt the muscles in my lower abdomen twitching and then I had a weird cramping sensation near the area I imagine where my left ovary is…I promise this wasn’t the Mexican food. I think it was my body reacting to the acupuncture treatment. As I laid in bed waiting to fall asleep last night, I did an ovarian massage and had another conversation with my ovaries, this time I was focusing more on the follicles but still felt like I needed to include the ovaries as well...didn’t want to make them jealous of their new friends. All I said was “let’s do this.” Then I started signing the Blacked Eyed Peas song “let’s get it started” in my head. That can be my reproductive system’s theme song for the next couple of weeks. I hope everyone has a great weekend! Hopefully I will have a spike in temperature over the weekend to report! Baby Q…it is time….come meet your mommy and daddy today!

Aint No Rhyme Or Reason.....

This morning was a challenge. Sometimes I have days where I feel like God may be challenging me to see what I can handle and I am proud to say I have been able to let all of the happening of this morning roll off my back and onto the floor and as I write this I am able to smile. I managed to make it to the gym this morning and thanks to my new book, my run just flew by. I was in the “sit up” area finishing my workout when the first challenge approached. On my days that I don’t life weights, I do sit ups and left lifts on one of those large exercise balls. In this area of the rec center, there is really only enough room for two people to lay mats down and comfortable do their sit ups. I was the second person to join the area so I laid down my matt, got the ball off the shelf and went to it. Halfway through my work out someone decided they were not going to take a mat and go elsewhere in the huge two story gym…they were going to wedge themselves in-between myself and the other man that was working out beside me. I then, was forced to move over and wedge myself in-between the weight bars and the matt stand. For the rest of my work out, I couldn’t extend my less without worrying about kicking equipment or the rude person next to me. Part of me (the evil part of me) wanted to just kick him once and act like it was an accident. I let it go and moved into my last ball exercise which is doing push ups while balance my legs on the ball. Doing this exercise requires focus and balance. I was doing quite well when the rude person exercising next to me decided it was time to put up their matt on the matt stand I was now working out on because they had plopped themselves down on top of me to do their sit ups. As this person moved toward the stand, they bumped the exercise ball I was balancing on and send me crashing to the ground. Super annoyed and just got back on the ball without even looking up at this stranger. I am sure they were smiling thinking it was funny they knocked me off the ball and were waiting for me to laugh with them but honestly after waking up with cramps for the third morning in a row…I was not up for laughing and was just trying to get through my morning without yelling at a complete stranger. I finished my workout and was on my way home to get ready for work about five minutes later. On my way home one of my favorite country songs was on the radio so I jammed all the way into the garage. I showered and got dressed pretty quickly and was about to leave when I caught the cabinet door on my blouse as I closed it. The button to the top of my blouse went flying off exposing my bra and what could be my boobs if they were a little bigger. Already running late and feeling flustered, I decided sewing on a button was not an option so I ran upstairs to change. Not even really paying attention to what I put on, I am now sitting here at working thinking…what the heck am I wearing. My thoughts are that if I am thinking this…..I don’t even want to know what my co-workers are thinking. The drive to work was relaxing and I was enjoying the sunlight and the good music until I hit the traffic jam. I had exactly 20 minutes to get to work before the morning meetings started and had high hopes of making it until I spotted the traffic jam. Already feeling stressed, I decided to turn the radio up, breathe and just enjoy the extra time I would have this morning not being at work. I pulled into the garage as my meeting was starting but was feeling ok about it. I mean, that has maybe happened twice in my almost four years with the company. As I went to badge into the garage, I decided to throw my badge out of the window on accident. I had to get the cars behind me to back up so that my stupid, clumsy butt could back my car enough to be able to open my door and pick up my badge. I smiled and waved as cars honked at me. What is that song by Sugarland? “Aint no rhyme or reason, no complicated meaning, Aint no need to over think it, let go laughing”….or something like that. As I drove into my parking spot I was giggling about the badge incident at how annoyed I would be at someone else doing that in front of me. I walked into work with a smile on my face proud of myself for not letting my stressful morning affect my mood. After all, on Monday I found out I can have a baby. This is something I have been praying about for so long and it has come true! I had to laugh at my hubby last night. I was goofing around while getting ready from bed and he looked at me and said “we can’t tonight, we have to wait until tomorrow”. I laughed and asked “what are you talking about?” Then he replied “We have to let my sperm build up.” I then realized that he does listen to me when I am telling him the things he needs to do in order to better our chances of having a bambino. Sometimes I feel like he is just sitting there waiting for me to sop running my mouth. Or course knowing my personality and knowing his…I am sure sometime he is waiting for some peace and quiet but that moment last night made me feel like he was in this now. It truly is amazing how much the doctors appointment on Monday has already changed our lives for the better. Everyone needs a little good news once in a while. Well today is day four of the horrible cramps in the morning. I believe it is from my stopping my progesterone supplements. It is my body saying “what the heck.” My temperature is at 97.2 for the third day in a row which is a good sign. My temperatures are no longer all over the chart. They seem to be somewhat normal which is not normal for me. I continue to be more encouraged every day and am very excited to see my acupuncturist today. Stimulate those follicles…stimulate away …I say. One more day until the weekend…yay! (yes I meant for that to rhyme…)

Hump Day Reading....and a shout out!

Oh man, first I must vent a bit on drivers here in the lovely state of Colorado. When did it become legal to tail someone so closely that the person you are tailing can taste the cologne or perfume you are wearing? This morning I was in a bit of a rush so I was already speeding and in the far left lane to be sure I was able to move as quickly as possible. My drive was going right along with no “bumps in the road” until up crept a little car and his front lights disappeared behind my car. I swear I could smell the jerks cologne and a bit of cigarette smoke. I just ignored him since I was also trying to pass people on my right and already going at least 15 over the speed limit…besides why should I move for him and then have to slow down in traffic? About 10 minutes later, he started flashing his brights at me and that is when I got angry. Not only are you endangering me by riding on my car but now you are going to impair my vision with your brights. Unless this person was trying to save gas by using my car to move his car this was extremely rude! If I didn’t love my car, I swear I would have slammed on the breaks right there and sent the loser into my bumper which most likely would have totaled his car and done some serious damage to mine. Unfortunately, I do not have insurance that covers breakdowns so I didn’t do that, I just rode it out and about five minutes later, the disgruntled driver sped around me and found another person to tail. I took a deep breath and continued singing along to the radio. About five minutes later, I was happy to see what looked like the car that had been tailing me pulled over on the side of the road. I believe Karma is the word I am looking for. On to my update…after my ultrasound on Monday, I immediately dove right back into my eastern medicine fertility books and research. I found an article written by the author of “the Infertility Cure” that had a list of things that Randine Lewis, the author, suggested women can do to improve their fertility. They were 1. Increase blood flow (she found that certain acupuncture and acupressure techniques improve blood flow to the ovaries. Better circulation to any organ improves its function. Also the femoral message, ovarian message and electro-acupuncture can dramatically reduce stress and age induced constriction of the uterine and ovarian blood vessels.) 2. Nourishment (Certain dietary supplements like wheat grass, blue-green algae, and royal jelly are known to help restore follicular health. Avoiding coffee, refined carbs and avoiding dairy and hormonally treated animal products will clear out toxic effects of a poor diet.) 2. Hormonal imbalance (endocrine systems operate via feedback so that hormones wont work properly unless the brain senses the right cures form our tissues. Properly prescribed herbal formulas which will help the underlying pattern of imbalance, can restore our own hormonal function). Thought this was interesting. The article is entitled “Turning Back the Reproductive Clock” by Randine Lewis. After reading this article, I decided I must start going to my acupuncturist more than once a month and made an appointment to go tomorrow afternoon. I have been practicing the femoral message but need to read about the ovarian message and make sure I am doing that one as well. I have done electro-acupuncture before and can tell you that I had two cycles after that treatment so I may ask for that tomorrow at my appointment. I am also going to ask for an herbal prescription that may help now that things seem to be trying to work. I also did some research on ovarian follicles which was interesting. The article I read stated that women are born with all of the follicles we will have in a lifetime. If this is true, how could my right ovary be shrunken/collapsed with no follicles last May 2009 and then be large with three plus follicles in March of 2010. This to me proves that western medicine still doesn’t truly understand the wonder that is the female reproductive system. I am amazed at the transformation and am in love with my body. I now have conversations with my body in the morning and at night before I go to bed. At night I kind of mix it in with my prayers. I truly believe you have to love yourself inside and out. Up until about a month ago I was very angry with my body and at God for doing this to me. I decided that being angry and playing a victim wouldn’t do anything but prematurely age me and make me bitter…. And now one likes an old looking, bitter had do they? (I picture Weezer from Steel Magnolias) I prayed for forgiveness from God and in my prayers apologized to my body for turning my back on it. In my prayers, I discussed my plan to move on to donor eggs and prayed that both my body and God would help me to be strong enough to make it through that process. Three weeks later I have a better attitude towards life, a healthier relationship with my husband and what appears to be functioning ovaries! Please don’t think I have false hopes here. I know it could still be difficult for me to conceive naturally. I may go months without ovulating and I will have to watch everyday for signs but to me the fact that I could have a child with my own eggs is enough to keep me from jumping into the donor egg pool for at least 6 months. Who knows, my body could completely recover by then and be having periods every month….you just never know. Happy Hump Day. I hope that you all feel as inspired as I do today! A quick shout out to my dear friend who is anxiously waiting for her sweet baby q to come. I hope she will be a leprechaun baby :0)

An Exiting and Unexpected Doctors Visit!

Today is the first day in a long time that I actually feel happy. My appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist went really well. She didn’t agree to try any of the treatments I have mentioned on my previous blogs but she did go over my disorder with me and discussed options. The visit was well worth the 4.5 month wait and my husband and I are not able to stop smiling today. I feel as though I have cheated the system or something. My body is truly amazing…before you judge me or call me conceited, please let me explain. I am talking about how I look in a bikini….I am talking about my bodies transformation since this time last year. Are you dying to know what happened yesterday? Ok, I guess I will tell you. I didn’t sleep very well on Sunday night, partly because I had slept most that day after getting the water removed from my ear at the emergency care center (from my bath the day before). As soon as the doctor drained my ear, my body sent a message to my brain that said Naptime! I made a nice lunch for my husband and I and immediately went upstairs and took a 3 hours nap. When my husband fell asleep on Sunday night, I just laid there with the TV off trying to visualize my brain sending a message to my ovaries. A lot of the eastern medicine books discuss visualization exercises and how important they are. Most fertility yoga DVDs have periods of about 5 minutes at the end of the sessions where you do them and I have found that doing a visualization exercise at night helps me go to sleep and often brings inspiring dreams. On every time I would to where I was almost to where I had a picture in my head, the puppy would like me in the face or start scratching on the mattress to create her bed. I finally fell asleep around 11:00 PM which would explain why I couldn’t get up to go the gym at 4:30. I managed to get out of bed around 5:00 AM and started getting ready for work. Distracted by the day I had ahead of me, I forgot to take my temperature and use the fertility monitor. I made my fruit smoothie, put in my ground up flaxseed (making babies) and was out the door. Amazingly my work day flew by and I was out the door in no time. I grabbed an un-which from the jimmy johns across the street and then walked to the parking garage. It felt like my car flew to the hospital where the appointment was and before I knew it I was sitting the lot trying to get up the nerve to walk inside. I called my husband who gave me a quick pep talk, ate my un-which and then started the walk inside. As I walked into the hospital, I immediately spotted the information center. I asked where the Advanced Reproductive offices were and this nice elderly man stood up and pointed to the nearby elevator bank and told me to go to the third floor. I thanked him and nervously took the elevator to the third floor and felt like me knees were going to give from under me as I stepped out of the elevator. I found the receptionist and told her I had a 1:00 PM with Dr. Santorro. I was given some paperwork to fill out and paid my copay. Luckily the paperwork took so much time to complete that I had zero waiting time in the lobby to think about what was about to happen. As I went up to turn in my paperwork and clipboard a nurse appeared to first take my vitals and then take me back to see the doctor. She weighed me (which I hate having my weight flashed in front me when I am already having issues) and took my blood pressure. When we were done she took me into an inner office where the doctor and a doctor in training were sitting waiting for me. Both introduced themselves and I already felt like this doctors appointment was going to be different. Dr. Santorro started out by reviewing my family history and then what has happened since I went off the pill last March 2009. She went through all of my lab results pointing out the positive and negatives. For example, my estrogen levels have been fluctuating which is a sign that I have activity in my ovaries and my vitamin d3 levels were low so I need to start taking supplements. After we went through everything that happened, she went over the specifics of POF and what I can expect. The doctor explained that women with POF have what is called a 10 year window when trying to get pregnant. This means that it is possible for us to get pregnant, but if you are not on top of fertility signs it can take up to 10 years to do so. Women with POF can have a period one month and then not have another for a few months. With POF, follicles are stimulated, ovulation can be about to occur and then the balance of hormones will be off and the whole ovulation will be cancelled. It is not that women with POF don’t ovulate; it’s that we don’t do it as regularly as other women. She explained what I needed to do in order to increase my chances of conceiving. Taking anti-oxidant vitamins, calcium supplements (2000 mg a day, divide doses take with food) and take Vitamin D3 (2000 IU per day). I also need to be watching my cervical mucus; this will be the best indicator for me since I don’t have regular periods. The doctor also told me some of the things other patients have noticed, for example their faces get a bit more oily then normal when they are ovulating. I asked every question I had down to ask and discussed all of my concerns with the two doctors. We then reviewed the medications I am currently taking. Dr. decided to take me off the progesterone stating that progesterone is actually given to women who have just given birth to make sure they can lactate and it actually keeps them from having periods. She also decided to run a thyroid test to see if I even need to be taking a thyroid supplement and also ran a bone density test to make sure everything is ok. She told me if it is low, I will need to increase my calcium intake or go on a low dose of hormone replacement which you can still get pregnant on. After we were done talking, she told me she would like to do an ultrasound and check up to make sure everything looked ok “down there”. I gulped as I played the last ultrasound I had in my head. I must have cringed as I remembered the encounter because both doctors asked if that was ok. I smiled and nodded and away we went to the ultrasound room. On our way I asked if I could use the restroom. The last thing I wanted to do was pee on one of the doctors during the ultrasound….that could be so embarrassing. As I pulled my pants up and washed my hands, I thought I would have one last conversation with my ovaries. I just patted my stomach and said “remember the letter from last week? Please respond”. I chuckled to myself when I realized how ridiculous I sounded but it was making me feel better. Doctors are always telling people we need to be more in tuned with our bodies, doesn’t that include conversations with our organs? As the doctor inserted the ultrasound tool, I said another quick prayer and then waited as the doctor tilted the screen towards me. She showed me the lining in my cervix and said it was a bit thin but then explained that was because I hadn’t had a period in a few months. Then she went looking for my ovaries and I think I stopped breathing as she found the right one and said “there it is and look how big it is”. Shocked, I looked up at the screen and saw my big, round ovary with little dots inside. The dots were follicles and there three maybe four of them!!! I couldn’t believe it. She then went searching for the left but was unable to find it due to my bowels being in the way which is completely normal. I guess if you have eaten anything within the 24 hours from when you receive an ultrasound, your bowels can block your ovaries. As the doctor made another comment about the follicles, I told both the doctors that even if they were lying I appreciated that news. The second doctor grabbed my hand and said they would never lie to me and then I laughed and said you can lie if you tell me I have follicles. I smiled as I remembered the report from the ultrasound that had been done almost one year from this day. “Right ovary is collapsed with a lesion and has no visible follicles”. Pretty amazing how things can change! The doctor told me that this was a good sign and to watch for fertile signals. I was so happy when they were taking my blood I didn’t care there was a needle in my arm. Blood could have been shooting everywhere and I wouldn’t have cared. I practically skipped out of that office and couldn’t wait to call my husband. We went from definitely doing IVF with donor eggs to that being an option in a matter of a few hours. I couldn’t believe I had gotten through an ultrasound without devastating news. I had gotten so used to getting bad news I wasn’t sure how to react at first. My husband was so happy that after we got off the phone he immediately called my mother in law who then called me. Everyone was so happy for me. I received so many phone calls, emails and Facebook posts showing support. I can’t tell you how much it all meant to me. It’s funny. As soon as I had accepted that I was going to have to use donor eggs and just let it go…hello follicles! I was looking through some paperwork last night trying to find my notes on fertile foods and other things I need to be doing and I found this quote from Randine Lewis author of “The Infertility Cure”.


“When we let go of our tight hold, and loosen up our grip on the outcome, (through adoption, through being told we’re helpless, too old, or whatever else ends the struggle), we can finally unclench; we can lift our hands and let go. Only then does the space open up for our reproductive energies to be receptive. Only then can Life say, O.K. now you’re ready!” So true, I was so stressed out and focused on trying to get my periods back that I had my body in knots. As soon as I said forget this, I am moving on with the next step and going to see the fertility specialist about getting donor eggs my body was like “wait what about me?” Today is such a great day for me. My husband and I have been messaging back and forth about how happy we are. Even though the follicles may not turn into a child, the fact that it could happen is an amazing feeling we didn’t think we were going to be able to feel. I am going to end today’s posting with a small thank you to my ovaries….Dear ovaries, thank you for deciding to attend the meeting yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised to see you filling your seat that has been empty in previous meetings. I hope that we can meet again more regularly and that you are able to recruit some “eggscelent” monthly candidates. Thank you so much for your hard work in the last week. I promise to keep my word on letting you retire in 10 years.
I hope everyone has an amazing day. Remember that miracles happen every day and that to appreciate all of the amazing people in your life. Yesterday taught me to remember both of these things. If you would like to better understand follicles in the ovaries, please follow this link and read on. It’s very informative and even has illustrations, thanks to answers.com for the great explanation. http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://wpcontent.answers.com/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f1/Order_of_changes_in_ovary.svg/320px-Order_of_changes_in_ovary.svg.png&imgrefurl=http://www.answers.com/topic/folliculogenesis&usg=__qSn5nrPyWlf0VwEr2j37FyadpAk=&h=265&w=320&sz=44&hl=en&start=8&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=avVWkBkLAXUlGM:&tbnh=98&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dillustration%2Bof%2Bfollicles%2Bin%2Bovaries%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26tbs%3Disch:1

A deep conversation with my underwear.....and a fun girls night out

Well today is the day I have been waiting for…my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. Luckily this weekend went by fairly quickly so I didn’t have to think about it much. Saturday was a day full of very strange events for me and then ended with seeing Chelsea Handler live. I started the day out by going and getting coffee with my husband and then started going through the entire house looking for items we no longer need for my garage sale that is happening this coming weekend (for gambling money in Vegas). We have so much stuff from when we were both single and living separate lives so I have decided to finally merge everything after living together for over 3 years. Goodbye silver wear that has been passed down 3 generations that looks like my ancestors personally carved your handles! I even decided to go through my underwear and get rid of those pairs that I had kept to wear during my time of the month…since I didn’t seem to need them anymore. All of us ladies have them…the old, comfy ones that the elastic is a bit stretched that you don’t mind if they get stained (sorry if that’s gross but it’s the truth). I was surprised that I started crying as I went through the drawer. How could I have had periods that stained my underwear and now have nothing? I picked up a pair and just stared at the stain for awhile…..I just refuse to believe my body can’t do this anymore. I even talked to my ovaries for a minute, “See what you can do, I know you will do it again.” Maybe it sounds pathetic but every one, even my ovaries, needs a little encouragement now and then. After talking to the stains in my underwear (I realize this isn’t normal), I decided to take a bath to relax and do some of the pressure points that are supposed to help restore ovarian activity (in the “Infertility Cure” by Randine Lewis). I was excited to use the bubbles I had recently purchased at a “Slumber Party” and I even lit some candles and put on a good lifetime movie (don’t judge..lifetime movies can be very empowering for women). I was laying there enjoying life until I decided to put my head under the water for a minute. When I came back up, I noticed the water wasn’t draining out of my left ear. I tilted my head for a minute…still nothing. I decided it was time to get out and start getting ready for my girls night out. When I left the house two and half hours after my bath the water was still in my ear , I swear I am the only person in the world who can’t even take a bath without getting hurt. I decided that I would stop on my way home from the concert and get some of those swimmer ear drops. I met up with my friends and we all packed in to my car (since I was already planning on not drinking in case they do any lab work today). This past weekend was Denver’s big St. Patrick’s Day celebration so the freaks were all out and to make it worse…they were drinking. We were on our way to pick up another one of the girls who had been enjoying in the downtown festivities when we stopped at a red light. All of a sudden a large group of guys who were crossing the street, started fighting directly in front of us. The light turned green as we all watched in horror as they continued the brawl in the middle of the street. After about five minutes, all of the cars behind me started honking. I panicked because I didn’t know what I should do. Do I act like I am going to drive into them and then they will move? What if they didn’t move and then started hitting my car? What if they jump on my car? All of these thoughts were running through my head. A stranger broke up the fight and everyone started to walk away so I started inching towards the intersection. As I approached the other side, they broke into it again and this time one them had his front teeth directly meet the curb. As he got up and stumbled to the sidewalk, we all tried not to throw up as he started picking his teeth out of his mouth. We zoomed by as soon as he managed to get out of the way not really sure if we were going to be able to eat after seeing that and all appreciating our front teeth. As we drove up to pick up our other friend, the mood immediately picked back up as we spied her making out with someone none of us new. Girls night was officially re-started, and what better way to start it with a make out in front of a bar at 4:00 PM? I would like to report that the restaurant we ate at was great, but it literally took one hour for us all to get drinks and an appetizer and even longer for all of us to get dinner. It didn’t matter though, we were all together, laughing and having a great time…and I wasn’t thinking about my problems. Chelsea Handler was really funny and I even purchased a book and got to meet her and have her sign it. If she knew how much I looked forward to her show each night….she makes me laugh. I have decided not to fax over my previous lab work to the doctor I am going to see today. I think that sometimes doctors see the past results and judge me before even talking to me. This is my last chance so I don’t want this doctor to say no before hearing my story. I continue to gather research of other companies in the peer group of the company I work for. I need to prove/show what other companies are providing on the insurance front for infertility/fertility treatments. The fact that I received a response from our benefits department is very encouraging. Maybe I will be able to make a difference after all…maybe I am going through this so I can help others? Well, I should probably get to work being that I am leaving in a few hours. Wish me luck!

Come Monday...it will be all right!

Happy Friday All! I woke up in a daze this morning, stumbled out of bed to take my temperature and use the fertility monitor. On my way to the bathroom, I stepped on a squeaky dog toy and then tripped on my husband’s belt he had left on the floor. By the time I reached the bathroom, I had made enough noise to wake the whole neighborhood and I willing to bet that my temperature might not be accurate because of all the activity that occurred on my way to the bathroom…considering it’s supposed to be a “waking” temperature. I am sad to report that the fertility monitor is still on its lowest bar but that is ok. The directions state there is a low possibility but it’s not impossible to conceive at low fertility…so you’re saying there’s a chance (line by Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber). My temperature rose a bit to 98.1 so I am not sure what that means??


I continue to be unable to concentrate on anything because I am so excited and nervous about the doctors appointment on Monday. I have been waiting for this appointment since the week before Christmas and really hope that I haven’t waited all this time for the doctor to tell me she can’t do anything. If that happens, I already have a plan….I will beg for her to run clinical trials on me to see if something might work. If that doesn’t work, I will just beg for her to help me extract some of my own eggs and if that doesn’t work…I will try going back on the pill for a month and then going off of it again to see if that will restart my body. If none of the above work, I will be happy to choose from the donor egg database at CCRM (the fertility specialist). This weekend can’t go by fast enough. I am getting to have a girls night out on Saturday. We are all going to dinner and then to see Chelsea Handler which I am really excited about. I fall asleep watching her show every night….not because it’s boring just because it comes on at my bedtime. Today I will be calling Chrysler Financial to see how much they will sell my car to me for. My lease ends this May and my husband and I are trying to decide if we should buy it or apply for a loan and buy a different car. I really want something a little bigger, for when we have kids, but if the dealership offers me something fair, I will probably buy my current car and keep if for a few years. Besides, maybe buying a bigger car would be jinxing myself and I already have enough things working against me on the baby front. Well, for once I don’t have much to say today. I hope everyone has a fantastic Friday. I started mine off with the insides of a breakfast burrito and a diet coke (breakfast of champions), and I plan to follow the breakfast up with a trip to the local outlet mall (with my Chihuahuas of course). Heidi Klum’s maternity line is out. Here is a link to some information on that http://www.usmagazine.com/momsbabies/news/heidi-klums-maternity-line-includes-leather-pants-glitter-tops-2010122, I bet the clothes will be very cute! I hope that someday I will be able to wear them. Here is a link to a story on Celine Dion and her fail IVF attempts. The website also discusses other celebrities fertility battles. http://www.justmommies.com/celebrity-baby-updates/celine-dion-opens-up-about-failed-ivf-treatments. I feel for Celine, I will most likely be going through the same types of treatments very soon so it is scary to me that a celebrity who can afford the best doctors money can buy can’t get the treatments to work. Until today, I really like Jennifer Lopez. I have always thought she was a very beautiful and talented actress who is a great role model…until I read the article attached to this link http://www.justmommies.com/celebrity-baby-updates/jennifer-lopez-wouldnt-mess-with-in-vitro-treatments, In this article, she discusses in-vitro and how she thinks that you should just see if it happens for you that God controls it. I believe that God controls it too however I don’t feel that someone who had twins naturally can judge other women who don’t have that option and want to be mothers just as badly as Jennifer did. We cannot all be that lucky and although I am also Catholic and have faith in God, I also know that not all of us are lucky enough to be able to have babies on our own without assistance. I was very disappointed to read the article. I am sure I am overreacting to the article …just seems easy for her to say this now that she has her babies…I am sure she would be singing a different tune had she not been able to conceive without assistance. I will get off my soap box now and get to work. That’s a wrap…chow!

Flying High Today

So I normally dont do this...two blogs in one day but I am having such a great day...minus the hater at my work but that isnt going to ruin my buzz.  This morning after I submitted my blog, I received a call from my company's benefit manager. They are going to bring my request up during their review period this summer. I have been asked to do research on what our peer group is covering regarding infertility and report back. I am so excited! I never even thought I would hear anything back after submitting the email. If that wasnt enough to make me float on air today, I just got off the phone with the reproductive endocrinologist's office that I have been waiting to see for almost 4 months. I have an appointment next Monday!!! Two good things in one day and it's not even lunch time yet, my luck is changing I can feel it.  I should buy a lotto ticket today.  Just wanted to share the good news! I can't wait until Monday, I pray for good news.

A frenemy at work....and an interesting fertility suggestion

So, first I must vent about someone at work who seems to have it out for me. This particular person used to be a good friend of mine, even came to my wedding, but lately has been very absent which is frustrating because right now is when I need my friends the most. Their distance just made me think they had some personal things going on and they just wanted space from everyone at work. I have tried a handful of times to talk to this person and see what is wrong and they promise me it is just what is going on in their personal lives so I haven’t worried about it….until this week. While in a meeting with this particular person yesterday, I couldn’t help but notice that everytime I talked, this person would either write a note to the person beside her or look at that person and the two of them would roll their eyes or laugh. Thinking I was paranoid, I purposely spoke out in the meeting a few times to see if they did it again….and they did each time. I of course acted like it didn’t bother me…wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they were getting under my skin like that. But me being me, I was upset about it the rest of the day and was even thinking about it on my drive in this morning. I was just going to let it go but then this person made a nasty comment about what I am wearing today when they were walking behind me in the hallway. Being on day 3 of bad cramps, I was so close to just turning around and screaming “What the F is your problem?”. I have never been anything but nice to this person and I am really confused why someone would turn on me like this. The giggling at someone else is very elementary school and really ticks me off!!! Ok had to get that out of my system. So I finally got the fertility monitor to read a test stick this morning. Here are the results:

It says I have low fertility. The instructions state it is not very likely but not impossible to conceive when the reading is low. I pray that there is a change in the readings throughout the next couple of weeks. Even an increase up one box would send me into an intercourse rampage trying to catch mr/mrs. egg in time. Here is what my basil temparture chart looks like this morning.

 I’m going to keep using the monitor and charting in the rare case that they might flag a window of opportunity for me. If not, this will at least keep me busy while I wait to see the reproductive endocrinologist and fertility specialist. Something to ponder….while reading through my babymed.com discussion I have been a part of since June 2009, I came upon an entry making a suggestion to women who have just gone off the pill and are trying to conceive. The writer states that she was on the pill for 8 years and went off in 2006 to try and have a baby. She didn’t get a period for 6 months so she went to the doctor who told her hormone levels were low but everything else looked normal. She went on progesterone crème for 3 months and still nothing so she decided to go back on birth control for one month until she got a period and then went off of it again. She then resumed normal periods. She will be celebrating her daughters 1st birthday this spring and is currently trying her birth control method again since they are trying for baby #2. I am considering trying this before I select donor eggs..as long as it wont mess up the IVF process. Well I must get to work. It’s almost Friday…thank the lord!!!

Holly Cramp!

Well hello there!  I am proud to report that there seems to be something trying to happen in  my ovaries this week.  This morning marks the second day in a row that have had what feels like bad period cramps ....but no bleed :0(. I am still encouraged that this is a sign that maybe the dust has cleared off the old endocrine system and it's getting the engines rolling? I wasnt able to get a reading from the fertility monitor this morning but found out why. The machine is working off of what my friends cycle was like.  I need to figure out a way to clear out her information so that it will allow me to test on day 6 on through the end of a cycle. Even though I am not having cycles that is the only way I can trick the machine to ready my fertility so I can see if there is any difference from day to day.  If I am going to try and catch the few eggs the doctors claim I have...I am going to need all the help I can get. I have started eating ground flaxseed in the mornings again. It is said to be a great things to eat while trying to improve your fertility. You have to grind it yourself though and can't eat it whole because your body can break the seeds down. I  also decided to cancel the appointment with the kinesioligist I had this Friday. It was going to be $175.00 out of pocket and I just can't afford it right now.  I will just wait for the reproductive endocrinologist to schedule me and then the appointment with the fertility specialist in May.  For those of you wondering.....I decided not to start giveaways until May 1. Don't worry it will be worth the wait.  Well I must get to work just wanted to give you a bit of an update.  Hopefully the cramps turn into something more?? If not, they are enough encouragement for me.  Here is a link to one of my favorite recipe sites. Today I have included links to St. Patricks Day inspired recipes (both food http://allrecipes.com/Recipes/Holidays-and-Events/St-Patricks-Day/Top.aspx and drinks http://allrecipes.com/HowTo/Toasting-to-St-Patricks-Day/detail.aspx. Happy hump day! And remember to smile no matter what, it makes you feel better.

What is going on with my body? Perhaps the ovaries were listening last week...

So, this morning was a bit frustrating. I got up to go like a good girl. Before I went to the gym this morning, I got up and took my temperature and tried to use the clearblue fertility monitor again. My temperature went from 97.3 yesterday to 97.9. It states in the instruction manual for the monitor that on day 6 it will ask for a test stick to be inserted. Well, it was today was 6 but it didn’t ask for a testing stick and when I put one in, it gave me an error message. Just don’t understand how the freakin thing works!!! After fiddling with it for 10 minutes, I finally gave up and went to the gym deciding that I would try to put a new set of batteries in tonight and try it again tomorrow. When I got home from the gym my husband was standing right behind the door from the garage with a confused look on his face. He told me that our puppy had puked on our bed spread. I asked where he put the bed spread and he just turned around and went back upstairs. When I walked in to our room, I saw that he had taken the bed spread, rolled it into a ball and shoved it into the top of the hamper…why he wouldn’t just take it downstairs to the laundry room I just don’t understand. So now I had a puke covered bedspread nesting in my newly cleaned out hamper sure to make my bedroom smell wonderful for when I return home this evening. Annoyed, I turned around to head for the shower, and turned just in time to watch the puppy take a pooh right in the middle of the hallway! I cleaned it up and hopped in the shower. As I entered the room to get dressed, I noticed the other dog had decided to take her pooh in the other bathroom and my husband had just left it there! Needless to say the dogs were a challenge this morning. I woke up with cramps and a back ache which makes me really emotional because it’s like I should be having a period but no bleed, just cramps, lack of emotional stability and a back ache. I even had a break out last week like I used to before I got my period. Maybe my ovaries are considering the offer I made them last week? After lunch yesterday, I got a little sick to my stomach and of course my first thought was…maybe I am pregnant?? I have noticed this little pinching feeling were I imagine my ovaries to be the last couple of days but I am not even going to waste money on a test. I know the chances of me getting pregnant are slim with what is going on, that is why I need the fertility monitor. I pray that one of these times though, when I am feeling sick that it does turn out to be a baby and not indigestion or the flu. I noticed that today my mucus is white and sticky which it used to be like right before I had a bleed. Maybe I will have a bleed this week? If not, at least there is some presence of estrogen in my body. The mucus wouldn’t be clumpy or sticky if there wasn’t. Sorry for the mucus talk but as you ladies know, cervical mucus is the best way to figure out what is going on with your body…and to me the fact that I have it is a good thing. Well, I think I am going to get to work now. I am going to start charting my temps and CM on my chart on babymed.com again. I will try and post the readings from the fertility monitor (if it ever starts working). Just wanted to recommend the RESOLVE community for anyone out there going through fertility issues. There is a link on the right-hand side of my page. The site is a great way to meet others going through similar situations and also has great resources to help guide you through the fertility issues you may encounter. Hope you all have a fabulous Tuesday. The sun is out and spring is here…thank goodness, I am going to enjoy it!

An "Ah Ha" moment and a story about annoying cowboys and cowgirls

Ok, so first I really need to vent about the jerks that butted in front of my friend and I at the Clay Walker concert on Friday night. The concert was in a local bar so it was first come first serve as far as a spot to stand in while you watched the concert. My friend and I arrived around 8:30. The opening act was set to start at 8 but we were surprised to find that nothing had started when we got there. We grabbed a few sodas and headed to get our spot in standing room. We got a great spot front and center about 5 rows back. Unfortunately the opening act started an hour and a half late and went for about an hour and a half. Then the stage crew had to set things up for Clay Walker and band. The actual concert didn’t start until around 11:00 PM but my friend and I were not giving in. Even though she was pregnant and tired and my feet were killing me in the spike heels I had decided to wear, we were not giving up our spots. Well that didn’t matter anyway because as the lights dimmed and Clay Walker was announced, I felt a large shove to my right and a group of rowdy, drunk cowboys and cowgirls were pushing their through to get the spot that they thought they deserved. They were actually causing people to fall down they were pushing so hard. I was super pissed as one of the guys proceeded to stop directly in front of me, his ugly straw cowboy hat was almost hitting me in the face. As the music started, he then started dancing and leaning back. I had to lean back for him not to hit me. Annoyed and tired at this point, I tapped him on the should and politely explained that I had been standing here waiting for about 3 hours for this spot and that he had just butted in front of me and I couldn’t see anything. He started running his mouth and yelling at me and then decided not only to not move but invited his two drunk friends to stand with him. One of them, decided to stand behind the guy in the straw hat next to me. I thought he was just being nice, but about five minutes later, he was putting his arm around me. After the third time he did it, I put my hand up and yelled “I’m married”! He gave me a strange look for a minute and then moved in on another woman standing there. Anyway it just makes me so mad that people think its ok to just bulldoze their way through and take what is not theirs. I mean the fact that the drunk guy in the cowboy hat got angry with me when I asked him to move is just not okay. I was so tempted to just take his hat off and throw it like a Frisbee. I am happy however to report that he did take his hat off when he got hot from all of his dancing (jumping up and down).. and he is bald. I know its mean, but that made me feel. The concert was great even though I had to peak through peoples arms or crouch down to see. Before the concert, my friend and I were having dinner talking about my medical issues. I was telling her that I felt like my ovaries still had some function. I had changing cervical mucus and even the last doctor I saw said the POF/POI doesn’t mean there isn’t any function at all, things just aren’t working completely like its supposed to (remember the sputtering car analogy?). That same doctor also said it would be very difficult to catch when I was ovulating because I may not have the same signs a normal functioning cycle would have. My friend had given me an ovulation predictor test from Clearblue that she used to get pregnant a few months ago but I didn’t think I could use it since it was based off of your last period and you set it after the start of a new cycle. I had an “Ah ha” moment while having dinner with my friend. Why not set the test to day 5 and take the tests for a few days each week to try and see if I am ovulating but just not building up enough lining to have a bleed? My friend is a genius, why didn’t I think of that? I decided I would test for two months to see if there were any changes in my fertility during that time. While I was trying to go to sleep after the concert, I was reciting the letter to my ovaries and it hit me. If I was having perfectly normal periods in 1999 when I went on the pill and I didn’t ovulate the whole ten years I was on the pill then………where are the eggs/follicules I had in 1999? If I haven’t been having bleeds, then the eggs should still be in my ovaries right? It’s not like I have been having period throughout the ten years, my bleeds have been from the pill. Just a thought….I really don’t believe my diagnosis. Happy Monday and may it fly by for you all!

A letter to my Ovaries....and a link to get Great GFree Recipes

So first things first. I wanted to share a great website to all the G-Free (Gluten Free) peeps out there. I stumbled upon it while doing research and believe that it may be one of my new favorite sites GingerLemonGirl.com http://gingerlemongirl.blogspot.com./ She is a southern woman who has put together a collection of gluten free recipes. Here is a link to 2 great cakes (Carrot & Chocolate) http://gingerlemongirl.blogspot.com/2008/03/2-everyday-cakes-gluten-free-casein.html. Hope you enjoy them and thanks GingerLemonGirl for taking the time to share recipes will all of us flour deprived people! So now that I have given you your helpful information for the day…it is my turn to purge my feelings. So I had a series of strange dreams last night. One of them was me recalling an embarrassing moment in high school during a drill team practice in 1999. Let me help set the scene….The drill team director insisted that we wear ridiculous, spandex, matching outfits (one for every different day of the week) to practice in. Oh yes it gets better…we had a schedule of which outfit we were to wear on each day. It changed every month and if we didn’t have the right thing to wear or were missing a piece of the outfit which sometime included a spandex belt (yes like the “units” we wore in the 80’s) you would get demerits which if you got to many of it could get you kicked off the drill team. I wont even go into what our game day outfits looked like…think Harold’s with a kmart twist..it wasn’t pretty. Anyway this particular day in practice we were wearing our bright turquoise spandex outfits with leotards and matching units belt. We were practicing in the school cafeteria because it was raining and I was struggling through another dance routine this time with really bad cramps. I had started my period the day before and back then, the first couple of days were brutal. As I bent down to stretch in-between practice runs one of my friends started laughing and ran up to me to whisper something in my ear. I had bled through and it was really bad. Being a young girl, you try to avoid moments like that. I remember being glad it happened though because I got to change out of my hideous turquoise spandex pants and practice in black sweatpants. I woke up really sad from this dream. How could my ovaries be working so well back then only 10 years ago and now be failing me? Why would my body allow me to have two periods this past September and October only to produce an even higher FSH in December and no period for the last 4 months? It is so sick but I wish right now I would get a period and it would be so bad that I had a spot on the back of my pants the size of a basketball! I think I would take a picture of it and post in on my facebook page. Like …look what I did! I wish I could watch the Midol commercials and relate to the women talking about their cramps and I wish I could spend some of my hard earned money on a box of tampons each month. After I woke up my mind kept racing so I got up and started getting ready for work. I know I keep writing this but…I just really don’t believe I will never have regular periods again. If I had a problem, you would think it would have shown up when I started my menses (that word really bothers me). I started my period in 6th grade, had normal cycles, with some cramping. I have gone to my obgyn at least two times every year for check ups and nothing had ever come up as abnormal until last April when this whole thing started. So this leads me to desperation, (got the idea from my friend the Fertility Chick who recently wrote her cervix)….I am now going to write a letter to my ovaries…sorry you have to experience this…hear goes…..


Dear Ovaries, I know that you and I don’t talk much but I thought I might try this as a last resort. I know that you have been enjoying your time off, as we all do, and I don’t mean to bother you on your day off but…wait a minute your vacation was over almost a year ago and you still haven’t clocked back in. Thank you for coming in for the brief meetings in September and October, I really enjoyed the two month project but I was hoping that you could try working a little bit more for the next maybe 10 years? I am willing to overlook your recent absence since you have been a reliable part of my team in years past. Consider the past year of vacation a gift from me to you. How about you come back to work, give it all you can and once we have two or three new “customers”, you can take another break in 10 years when we hit 40 years as a team? Another 10 years of service is all I ask. Most ovaries have to work until their bosses are at least 50 and I am willing to cut 10 years off the contract if you will come back for the next 10. When I hit 40 we can go back on BC and you can go on a permanent vacation again. Please consider this offer. I really miss working with you and really hate your replacements, Progesteronia Supplementa and Hottie Flash. They make me feel uncomfortable and emotional, it just isn’t the same without you. I hope that you consider this offer and to see you soon. If you do choose to come back, we will celebrate with chocolate , a good lifetime movie and go to Sams and buy a 6 month supply of tampons!

Thanks and hope to see you soon.-your Boss

Hope they take the offer! I know you think I’m kidding but you have no idea how serious I am right now. I hope that my ovaries heard every word of that as I thought it and then typed it out. Mind over matter they say! Anyhoo hope you have a good weekend everyone!

One in One Thousand...Yeah Right

Oh my, I have had an interesting morning. Thought I would vent a bit…hope you don’t mind. I have decided the it should not be socially acceptable to blow your nose or hack up fluid while you are on a treadmill in a public gym. While struggling to hit two miles on the treadmill this morning, I was forced to end my work out early when the woman next to me started hacking up fluid from her chest and blowing her nose. She followed the nose blow with an uncovered sneeze and that was enough for me. I pressed stop on the treadmill and quickly walked away covered no doubt in her germs…and I didn’t even get to cool down! In my opinion, doing anything with snot while working out next to complete strangers should be considered against social norm…just like blowing your nose at the table. If there is a possibility you could be sharing your snot or that moment with anyone but yourself….go somewhere else!!! Not that I am not understanding, I myself have been really sick the last two weeks. When I need to blow my nose, I make it a point to step out of a meeting or go to the bathroom. I dont make someone else participate in that moment...now if someone happens to walk into my office while I am blowing my nose then that is their fault because I was trying to do it in private....am I still writing about this??   After the mucus packed workout, I was running late for work..yes again. I had to park on the 7th level of the parking garagage. Usually I park on 1 or 3 so you can imagine how annoyed I was when I got in the elevator at 7 carrying a huge box of binders and cringed as the elevator stopped on all but one of the floors on the way down. Decades later, when the elevator finally got to 1, I had 10 minutes to walk three blocks, ride up 17 floors to my office and be in my 7:30 meeting...did I mention I am wearing high heels today? I don’t have to tell you I didn’t make it, I think it is pretty obvious. Somehow I am still in a great mood today. The sun is shining, the week is almost over and I have some fun plans this weekend. I am managing to push the non-stop cramps I still have into the back of my head. Still hoping and praying that they will one day lead to a period :0) A woman can dream cant she? After doing some googling this morning, I have come to the conclusion that I have post pill Amenorrhea. Post-pill Amenorrhea is described as the lack of menstrual periods for at least 6 months after stopping birth control pills. In a normal menstrual cycle (without birth control), the pituitary gland produces hormones like Follicle Stimulating hormone (FSH) and Leutinizing Hormone(LH) to stimulate the follicles in the ovary to develop. The enlarging follicles produce estrogen as they grow and develop.. Progesterone is then produced after the follicle ruptures (called 'ovulation')at around the 14th day of the cycle. Birth control pills contain the hormones, estrogen and progesterone. When women take these pills, the levels of the above mentioned hormones in their blood increases. This increase in hormone levels then sends a negative feedback to the pituitary gland indicating that there is sufficient estrogen and progesterone in the body. As a result the pituitary gland stops producing FSH and LH. I think this is what is going on with me. Mix in my Celiacs producing ovarian antibodies and you have a recipe sure to stop making my endocrine system for working properly. The only thing that keeps me from being 100% positive on this is that a low level of FSH is usually present with post-pill amenorrea and as you have read before…I have a high FSH. But who is to say my body isn’t reacting differently. http://www.gynaeonline.com/post_pill.htm If you do some online research on going off of birth control, you will read over and over again that birth control affects every woman’s body differently. How can doctors make a statement like that and then make a diagnosis one month after I got off the pill that I will never have a period again and I am going into menopause at age 28? In the United States, 1% of women are diagnosed with POF/POI (I prefer POI, insufficiency is a much better word then failure don’t you think?) So I am to believe that I am that 1%. The 1 in every 1,000 women that have ovarian insufficiency? Call me naïve or stupid but I am still not convinced that my cycle isn’t going to come back to me. Statistics alone make me feel that something else entirely could be going on with me internally. I have a better change of winning the Colorado state lottery (ok maybe a bit of an exaggeration but the chances of 1 in 1,000, really?) Maybe I should sing that Celine Dion song “it’s all coming back all coming back to me now” over and over again while I am in my car? Maybe then my body will get the hint that the vacation from producing hormones is now over and it’s time to get back to work?? Check out the information I found on POF/POI this morning http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/255974-overview. I really hope the reproductive endocrinologist is ready to see patients soon. I am excited to meet with her and see if she will be willing to try therapy to restore ovarian function. If not, I am excited to get that visit over with and move on to my appointment with the fertility specialist the first week in May, Then I can finally move one step closer to becoming a mom. I am just ready to move on from this chapter of my life, go on hormone therapy if I must and enjoy my family (which I hope will include more then my husband and my two adorable Chihuahuas very soon). Before I end this blog, I wanted to share some information with those of you lovely ladies that are currently living in the Denver area. I have been going to Avanti Skin Center of Denver for almost two years now to get my facials and peels and I also purchase my skin products there. I received an email yesterday that they are starting a new skin wellness program for $99 a month. I know this seems like a lot of money but one facial or peel can be $125.00. The monthly program includes: One facial or peel per month and one hand microdermabrasian or eye brow wax, 10% off all image medical grade products and 20% off any laser package. Minimum fours months when you sign up but I am going to see if they can take payment out each month and not pay all at once. Check them out http://www.avantidenver.com/index.php, I really enjoy the services I receive when I go there. They are located right by the Cherry Creek mall…and no they are not paying me to share this with you, I just think it’s a rocking deal and wanted to share. I know $99 seems like a lot but Eva Longoria (who looks amazing) was quoted in an interview that she hasnt had any work done, she just has a facial or peel done one a month....that is enough convincing for me but here is one more for you if you need it. A new pair of shoes or new outfit can last you one maybe two seasons tops...but your skin is forever.  Now go treat yourself...you can always go to DSW or TJ Max and find a great deal on a new pair of shoes so you can get the best of both worlds!  Happy Thursday and remember you are the exception!